What does true intimacy feel like?

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Promotion

Intimacy is the feeling of closeness and belonging we have in our personal relationships. It is a familiar and very close emotional connection with someone. This connection grows when we form a bond with someone that is based on knowledge of each other, and shared experiences. Genuine intimacy in relationships requires communication, honesty, vulnerability and reciprocity. It needs to go both ways. We become more intimate with someone as we share more of ourselves with them – more time, and more knowledge about ourselves. Intimacy often grows naturally in relationships, especially in the early stages. To sustain a long-term relationship, however, we need to develop and maintain an awareness of ourselves, our partner and the relationship. To continue growing closer to each other, we need to engage in various forms of intimacy — and there are quite a few forms of intimacy! Different people have different preferred styles of being intimate. We all have our own quirks as to how we express our care for someone, and our own expectations of how others will show us they care. A lot of the time, this is all unspoken. We’re often not even really consciously aware of it. Sometimes two individuals can have such different styles of expressing care and intimacy that they can go unnoticed. As such, it is not uncommon for individuals in long-term relationships to feel that their intimacy requirements are not being met. Often what is really happening is that each partner in the relationship has a different intimacy style. Therefore it’s important that we each understand the ways in which the other partner ‘expresses’ their love and care.

Comparing intimacy styles

Take a look at the list of different types of intimacy below. Do any stick out as things that make you feel loved and cared for? Which ones do you prefer to use to express your affection for your partner? Note them down. Then read through the list a second time, and this time pick out the ones that you think your partner might prefer to receive and to use. Note these down too.

What differences do you notice?

It might be helpful to have a conversation with your partner to acknowledge the different ways you each express your love and closeness to each other.

Some types of intimacy

Emotional intimacy

Sharing a wide range of both positive and negative feelings in an open and trusting way, without fear of judgement or rejection. Emotional intimacy requires a certain amount of willingness to be vulnerable.

Physical intimacy

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Delighting in being sensual, playful and sensitive in sexual intimacy that is joyful and fulfilling for you both. Being physically intimate also includes being physically affectionate. Touching, holding hands, hugging, snuggling, kissing, caressing and being comfortably within each other’s personal space.

Cognitive intimacy

Being open and transparent with your thoughts, expectations, dreams, beliefs and ideas in an open and comfortable way. Being willing to hearing the thoughts of your partner while being open-minded, collaborative, respectful and caring, as needed.

Intellectual intimacy

Sharing ideas, or talking about issues, while connecting with each other’s interests. Celebrating differences. Hotly debating opinions and still respecting each other’s beliefs and views.

Spiritual intimacy

Discussing how spirituality works in each of your lives, and respecting each other’s particular spiritual needs and beliefs.

Conflict intimacy

Being able to work through differences in a fair way. A willingness to listen as much as you talk. Reaching solutions that are broadly and mutually satisfactory, recognizing that perfect solutions are rarely part of human life. Negotiation and compromise are key, to ensuring everyone wins, at least a little!

Work intimacy

Being able to agree on ways to share the common load of tasks in maintaining your home, earning your living(s) and pursuing other mutually agreed goals. Sharing stories and work experiences with each other, debriefing after work, and supporting each other.

Parenting intimacy

If you have children, developing shared ways of being supportive to each other while enabling your children to grow and become separate individuals. Working together to figure out a parenting style that effectively melds the ways you’ve learnt to be parents.

Crisis intimacy

Standing together in times of crisis, both external and internal to your relationship. Always being available to offer support and understanding, and in turn, leaning on your partner when you need support.

Aesthetic intimacy

Delighting together in beauty, music, art, nature and a whole range of aesthetic experiences. Being prepared to support the other’s enjoyment of different aesthetic pleasures.

Play intimacy

Having fun together, through recreation, relaxation or humour. Letting go, and being silly with each other, in whatever style you prefer.

Giving intimacy

Providing gifts, doing small favours, and giving practical assistance where needed, or is thought to be appreciated. Making an effort to predict the little things that will make your partner happy. A fully intimate relationship ideally includes all of the above types of intimacy!

betterrelationships.org.au - Intimacy with your partner - Better Relationships

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