What does subtle narcissism look like?

They may appear to be shy and modest, but inside they are chronically envious of others, can't handle criticism, and lack empathy for others. They may often spend time alone, since they are hypersensitive to criticism and compare themselves to others constantly. Therapy can help you recover from narcissistic abuse.

choosingtherapy.com - 8 Signs of a Covert Narcissist & How to Respond - Choosing Therapy

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8 Signs of a Covert Narcissist

Some narcissists make it clear from first contact that they have narcissistic traits. Others, like the covert narcissists, will not present in ways stereotypical of standard narcissists, so you have to look deeper to know what and who they are dealing with.

Here are eight signs of a covert narcissist:1,2

1. An Outward Sense of Inferiority

Whereas other narcissists seem to hit people over the head with their grandiosity and confidence, the covert narcissist has a presentation of uncertainty and self-doubt. They may let other people make the important choices for them because they report being indecisive and fear making a mistake. Since they constantly compare themselves to others, they may feel like they don’t stack up to friends (it’s incredibly difficult to stay friends with a narcissist), family, or coworkers in specific areas. A narcissist in the workplace may need constant reassurance and validation. They may be quick to compliment others for their successes, but instead of feeling happy for the person, they only feel bad for themselves.

2. Emotionally Fragile & Hypersensitive

Due to an unstable self-esteem, people with covert narcissism are incredibly fragile and sensitive. If someone criticizes their work, family, or personality, the covert narcissist will respond with an extreme emotional reaction. They could be overly sad and despondent from even a minor comment. The opposite may be true as well with the narcissist experiencing a drastic positive mood change from an insignificant compliment. This comment could reinforce their desirable qualities or merely neutralize the latest perceived slight.

3. Highly Stressed & Angry

The mood changes that come with being a covert narcissist will create a great deal of discomfort. With so much weight being assigned to each critique, the person will begin feeling very stressed and anxious as they stand by for the next comment. For them, stress commonly builds towards anger and aggression as negative feedback could enrage them. They may explode and take their anger out on others or harm themselves.

4. Chronically Envious

The outward sense of inferiority experienced by a covert narcissist will lead to powerful and chronic envy of others. The narcissist will always focus on what other people have that they do not. If the covert narcissist has a four-bedroom house, they will want a five-bedroom house. When they get the bigger house, they will still be envious because someone will have a pool, a movie theater, or a bowling alley in their basement.

Covert narcissists can be jealous or envious of almost anything, including:

Physical attributes including height, weight, hair and skin quality, and strength

Wealth measured by house, cars, clothes, and jewelry

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Family status, including marriage or children

Power measured by employment or community involvement

No matter the area of envy, the covert narcissist will never be able to appreciate what they have. The focus will only be on what they are lacking.

5. Aimlessness

Because they are so driven by jealousy and trying to chase after others’ achievements, the covert narcissist will appear aimless and misguided. Once they achieve something, they will not stop to celebrate their success; they will only look for a new conquest. Often, the new goal will be disconnected from the previous one, so to the outside observer, the covert narcissist is simply bouncing from one project or fixation to another with no clear path or plan. All the while, they never feel satisfied or assured in their direction.

6. Completely Self-Absorbed

Whether covert or overt, the person with narcissistic personality disorder will be self-absorbed. They will only consider what is good for them and how they can get what they want.

This self-centeredness leads to two outcomes:

Emotional Manipulation: Because they are so focused on completing whatever their current goal is, they will do anything to achieve it, including emotionally manipulating others to be part of the plan. With guilt, threats of violence, and other forms of coercion, they will use others for their personal gain. Lack of Empathy: Empathy is the ability to understand another person’s perspective and feelings. A narcissist is not interested in walking a mile in another’s shoes, so they will never experience empathy. They won’t care about others – only what others can do for them.

7. Secret Grandiosity

On the outside, a person with covert narcissism will seem quiet, meek, and self-deprecating. On the inside, though, they feel an intense sense they are superior to others. Despite all of the jealousy, envy, overreaction to negative comments, and apparent shyness, the covert narcissist will feel deep down that they are better than other people. Instead of engaging with people like the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist will choose to be alone because no one can live up to their high expectations.

8. Frequent Suicidality

With the mood changes, fluctuations between feeling superior and being jealous, never feeling satisfied, and being unable to rely on other people, the condition can result in despair and suicidal ideation. Covert (vulnerable) narcissists will experience more depression, anxiety, non-suicidal self-injury, and suicide attempts than other people with narcissism.

choosingtherapy.com - 8 Signs of a Covert Narcissist & How to Respond - Choosing Therapy

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