Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: cottonbro studio
Truly close and deep friendships are typically based on trust, mutual interests, and the time that was taken to get to know the other person. It can take weeks, months or years for one of these relationships to form, but they can become some of the most important relationships in life.
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Read More »It’s pretty obvious that friendships are important; what may be more complex is practicing ways to get closer to others andbe a friend. Knowing how to get closer to people is a critical skill for creating lifelong fulfillment. We have a few ideas that should help you grow friendships with new people you meet or those you already know and would like to become closer. Take Some Risks and Put Yourself Out There: We all have things we do to protect ourselves from anything that could expose or make us feel vulnerable. These are called " safety behaviors " and they can be helpful but they also hinder our ability to connect with people. A lot of people feel pressure to avoid making eye contact, do favors, initiate conversations or compliment others because they're afraid of being rejected. Practice letting go of these guards. Open yourself up, do your best to be present, and see what happens. As you practice, the discomfort of not knowing what to do or say will ease, your anxiety speaking to others will decrease and people will like you more as they get a more authentic version of you. It is absolutely okay to screw up or look silly at times–practice will make it easier and lower the stakes. Ultimately we have seen time and time again through our {THE AND} project , how being vulnerable with the other person creates an opportunity for deeper connection. Share your hobbies and learn about theirs. People like other people exponentially more when they share the same hobbies, interests and beliefs. When you have conversations with potential friends and want to explore your connection, ask them about their interests and hobbies. When they tell you something new, tell them all the amazing things that happened to you in that area, or make some connection to your own experience. You'll both feel closer right away! You can usually make some educated guesses about what someone might like to talk about within a few minutes of meeting them. If any of these potential topics overlap with your interests , see if you can get them talking about that passion and share your own experiences. Turn off your “work brain” intentionally. Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman has found that there are two groups of networks within the brain that tend to take turns. When one neurological network is working hard, the other slows down. From a personality perspective, some people are more naturally social, others are more analytical by nature…but in general we all use both networks depending on the needs of our environment. Try the practice of verbally reminding yourself to focus on people a bit more and “powering down” the part of your brain that focuses more on analytical thought, especially after a long work day, or if organizational thought takes up a good amount of your time. Remind yourself that connecting with people and making friends isn't a problem that needs solving; it should be fun, free-flowing, and joyful. Be kind and easy going. Easy going people are more likely to experience ' friendship chemistry ' — a feeling of "clicking" with a potential new friend. This is especially true for introverts who typically have a more difficult opening up and getting vulnerable. Because of their natural guards as people, introverts often strongly value being surrounded by friendly and kind individuals. Kind people are defined as those who tend to criticize others infrequently or with an air of love and empathy. They offer constructive advice rather than being exploitative and they're not driven by ambition or ego. Kind people ask good questions when getting to know someone else's feelings or thoughts, have curiosity about where their opinions come from rather than bestowing judgment and they do their best to be optimistic and helpful. In short, drop judgments and expectations. This is something that we at The Skin Deep call Deep Listening, and it's basically when you are present to someone without thinking of what your response will be. It’s simply being present to the moment, placing yourself in their shoes, take in what they’re sharing and respond to it naturally. No expectation. No judgment. Just going along for the ride. Don't be afraid to make a joke…even if it’s cheesy. Research proves that even in brief, new relationships, sharing a humorous event can make people feel closer. Don’t feel you need to be a professional comedian in order to make a new friend. You just need to show that you are like-minded and can understand humor yourself, as well as enjoy it when you see/hear it. A witty comment or one-liner can be a great ice-breaker, so it’s really not a bad idea to have a few cheeky “ dad jokes ” in your back pocket. Be careful not to rely too heavily on them however as they can often come across as clumsy or overly rehearsed. Ask your new friend for advice or a favor. When you ask someone for advice , they can feel like they are able to share something personal and it increases the likelihood they will trust us as they share some of those personal details and see how we respect and honor those insights. It also endears us to them as people who care about what they think. Asking someone for small favors does the same thing as it exhibits we are humble people, willing to ask for help, and wanting their input or support in our lives. Growingclose friendships does take time and energy, but as you practice investing in others and allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable for them to invest in you, the reward will be oh-so-worth-it. Truly close and deep friendships are typically based on trust, mutual interests, and the time that was taken to get to know the other person. It can take weeks, months or years for one of these relationships to form, but they can become some of the most important relationships in life.
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