Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: RODNAE Productions
A narcissist will shower you with affection in order to get you on side. They aim to disarm and distract you from their flaws and from the reality that the relationship will be constructed around getting their needs met, rather than real affection. Narcissism is a thorny issue in romantic relationships.
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Read More »The flip side of this exploitation is worse. If you stumble from the pedestal or fail them in some way, you can easily become a container for the narcissist’s shame. Derision, contempt, rage, and blame will accompany your fall. As Sandy Hotchkiss outlines in Why is it Always About You? narcissists generally want to fuse with their romantic partners. For most people, fusion is just the initial stage of falling in love. In emotionally mature individuals, the “fusion delusion” gives way to an acceptance of our partner’s flaws and differences, and a deeper relationship. The goal for the narcissist, on the other hand, is the “obliteration of [their] partner’s autonomy.” (Hotchkiss) Separation and difference are extremely painful and confronting for people who are narcissistic, and shattering the illusion of sameness can lead to feelings of shame or outbursts of rage. You may find yourself the object of contempt when you have exercised your autonomy or unwittingly pricked the balloon of their grandiosity. Love, for the narcissist, is simply a means to an end. A narcissist’s love object is truly objectified, unable to be autonomous or practice their own subjectivity whilst in the narcissist’s thrall. The price for being in the relationship is subjugation to the narcissist’s will. “Unfortunately the euphoria of shared adoration and apparent love is usually a fleeting experience. Your NPD partner achieves what he so intensely craves, your devoted admiration as well as his need to idealise your own admirable qualities (making you a worthy mirror of his grandiose self). As the co-dependant partner, you also achieve the perfect love object: someone who inspires and elevates your compulsion to nurture — a partner who gives purpose to your mission to give.” Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists Brunell and Campbell liken having a relationship with a narcissist to eating chocolate cake. It might be appealing in the short term, but over time it is a very bad idea: “The [narcissist’s] partner has a positive initial experience and negative long-term experience (with the negative long-term experience being significantly more negative than the narcissist’s own experience). The partner will see his or her outcomes become significantly more negative over time. This is the natural downward spiral of getting involved with a narcissist.” According to Brunell and Campbell, narcissists generally have relationships that are “shallow, transitory and lacking in commitment.” [They] tend to search for a better partner (i.e., “the better deal” or “the trophy spouse”; Campbell, 1999), pay attention to alternatives to their current relationship (Campbell & Foster, 2002), engage in game-playing while in a relationship (Campbell et al., 2002), date as a means for self-enhancement (Campbell, 1999), and place little, if any, emphasis on developing emotional, intimate relationships with others (Campbell, 2005). (Brunell and Campbell) My belief is that severe narcissists are incapable of real love because they cannot view others are separate or equal. The “game” of the relationship incorporates winning and subjugation, rather than acceptance, intimacy and real affection.
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Read More »“The intimacy of emotional sharing is not within your NPD partner’s comfort zone because he is cut off from his true feelings, defined, instead by his all consuming drive to support a grandiose persona or purpose. You may feel a terrible shock as you see the dark side of your partner’s defences and his need to flee from the threat of intimacy. He may escape into his unending work responsibilities, social distractions, or insatiable needs for playing hard. He will also seek reasons to justify these escapes with regular rebukes of your “neediness” and/or your unrealistic or unfair expectations.” Payson Narcissists are initially compelling. They attract others by projecting their grandiosity outwards. Their victims are drawn to the “narcissists’ charm, popularity, and sexual attractiveness (Brunell, Campbell, Smith, & Krusemark, 2004). “Narcissists have a set of qualities — social confidence, likability, charm — that are optimal for relationship initiation, but when combined with another set of qualities — low empathy, self-centeredness, the use of others for esteem maintenance — are destructive to relationship functioning. As a consequence, narcissists repeatedly initiate new relationships, damage the relationship and hurt their partners, and then move on to another relationship. Unfortunately, this is the optimal path for narcissists given their make-up, but non-optimal for their partners or the social structure.” Brunell and Campbell In their study of narcissism and romance, Brunell and Campbell asked individuals to compare past dating relationships with narcissistic and non-narcissistic partners. “When asked about the worst part of the relationship, participants revealed that the narcissistic ex-partner was self-centered, materialistic, deceptive, and controlling. …They felt the narcissist used them and played games with them. …Their perception of the narcissist changed drastically over the course of their relationship, and their satisfaction with the relationship plummeted. Consequently, they reported that they regretted getting involved with the narcissistic ex-partner in the first place because the relationship took a large emotional toll.” So what do narcissists mean when they say I love you? They mean that you are useful to them….temporarily.
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