What counts as coming on too strong?

When you come on “too strong,” you signal to someone that you're willing to change your life to fit them. That's a great thing when you're moving into relationship territory, but early on—when someone's being allergic to a pet you might want in the future can be a deal-breaker—that kind of eagerness is overwhelming.

gq.com - How to Avoid Coming On Too Strong | GQ

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If you read Gone Girl, you probably know that women feel a lot of pressure to be low-maintenance, high-fun, and generally sans-need. Men seem to feel no such pressure. A lot of you guys even seem over-chilled and staunchly committed to basketball shorts despite all sartorial advice. But manchill stops with crushes (and with the movie The Dark Knight). Liking someone makes it significantly harder to calm down and avoid coming on too strong, no matter that on any given day, 80 percent of your texts are just the thumbs-up emoji. Here’s how to be a chill guy around your crush.

The Chill Invite

There’s one phrase that I love above any other for its ability to convey chillness. It’s the perfect way to include someone without seeming desperate for them to hang out with you: “I’m doing X, you should come!” (Not the drug, though; nothing on earth is less chill than doing ecstasy with your crush.) This phrase is simultaneously a no-pressure invite and a reminder that you do cool things without this person and will be doing things whether they come or not. It’s a statement, rather than a question, which makes you seem more confident than you really are. There is just one caveat: To make sure the phrase conveys that you’d have more fun if the invitee does come, you have to use an exclamation point or say The Phrase in person with an upbeat, camp-counselor-esque tone. Otherwise, you'll sound like a dick. Telling people what to do is not hot. Saying someone should come with you to a concert on Friday (!) is.

The Chill Hang

It’s much easier to come across as low-key via text. When you're texting, you have time to prepare replies, draft witty retorts, and un-capitalize the first letter of all your sentences in an effort to look cool. (Please stop doing that; we all know that sentences auto-capitalize. We know that it took you way more effort to un-capitalize that “hey.”) In person, it can be more difficult to modulate your excitement. Instead of trying to sit in silence, which seems to be the go-to guy move for seeming chill, ask questions. Questions are your best friend. Don’t only ask questions—you aren’t interviewing a suspect—but keep the conversation going. Both making her carry the conversation alone and talking too much about yourself are equally un-chill. Neither makes it seem like you’re comfortable with yourself and dating in general, which, if you haven’t figured out, is what you’re going for.

The Chill Follow-Up

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There are no rules when it comes to texting after a date; it’s 2018. Do not listen to your married boss who last dated when people still knew phone numbers by heart. There is no such thing as too soon, only too much. That means you’re fine to text the next day, saying that you had fun and that you’d love to do it again. Just don’t text her 20 times over the next few days, insisting on making new plans. Instead of texting that you had a nice time—which is somehow both thirsty and robotic—invite her to do something else. If you talked about wanting to see Sorry to Bother You, ask her if she’s free sometime this week and wants to go. The next “date” shouldn’t be for at least four or five days—which gives you time to do something interesting in your life that isn’t dating her, which you can talk about on the next one—but you can absolutely reach out whenever you’d like. As long as it isn’t once every four hours.

Chill Communication

In general, you want to convey interest, not desperation. You want to hang out with your crush, but you don’t need to. It’s fine to be up front, but don’t lay out all of your feelings and baggage on the first date. That puts a lot of pressure on your date. When you come on “too strong,” you signal to someone that you’re willing to change your life to fit them. That’s a great thing when you’re moving into relationship territory, but early on—when someone's being allergic to a pet you might want in the future can be a deal-breaker—that kind of eagerness is overwhelming. Don’t cancel your plans with other people to hang out with the person you like. Even if it’s not as fun as hanging out with your crush, keeping up the lifestyle you have makes you more attractive to people. It shows that you have friends, hobbies, and interests, and that you’re not afraid of alone time. Nobody wants to date someone who is defined by the person they’re dating at any given moment. In an ideal world, coming on too strong wouldn’t be a deal-breaker; it would always and only be endearing for someone to be that into you. In reality, when someone is too willing to give up their schedule just for the chance to hang out with you, it’s creepy, overwhelming, and ultimately really unattractive.

gq.com - How to Avoid Coming On Too Strong | GQ

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