Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Denys Gromov
biological factors, such as testosterone and estrogen levels. psychological factors, such as stress levels. social factors, such as intimate relationships.
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Read More »Hornier than usual? How fun! Yes, that says FUN not “concerning.” “It’s completely normal for your libido to fluctuate and for there to be points of time — days, weeks, months, years — where your sex drive is higher than usual,” says Dr. Jill McDevitt, resident sexologist at CalExotics. Usually, a higher sex drive is absolutely nothing to be worried about. As Dr. Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast says, “Desiring sex more often does not suddenly make you a pervert.” It makes you human. Is there a “normal” libido level? There is no metric for measuring libido, says Searah Deysach, longtime sex educator and owner of Early to Bed. So there’s really no universal baseline for what counts as a normal, she says. Now, can you have your own personal “normal”? Yes, says Deysach. “But even that’s a range, because there are so many actors that can cause your personal libido norm to shift a little — or a lot — to the left or right.” These include: age
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Read More »improved sleep You swapped or stopped certain meds Certain medications like antidepressants , SSRIs, birth control , and beta-blockers (to name a few) are known to squash libido. Finally adjusting to these medications can also result in a higher libido, says Garrison. And so can going off these medications. Friendly reminder: *don’t* go off any medication without talking to your healthcare provider first! You’re at your “horny” spot in your menstrual cycle Most menstruating humans have a “horny” part of their cycle — usually right before, during, or right after ovulation. So if you or your partner is ravenous a few days a month, it’s the hormones talking! When a high libido is *actually* a problem “Your high libido is a problem if either you think it’s a problem, or if your high libido is leading you to act in a way that interferes with the rest of your life,” says Garrison. If, for instance, you’re skipping work, cheating on your partner, blowing your savings on sex gadgets to meet your sexual impulses, or otherwise engaging in ~risky behavior~ as a result of your libido, that’s a problem. In these instances, working with a mental healthcare professional is a M-U-S-T. They’ll help you come up with a game plan to regain control. What else can you do if you’re bothered by this change? A few things! Turn inward Dr. McDevitt recommends doing some self-reflection: Is your libido actually interfering with your life? Are you actually bothered by this libido spike? Or is your partner or sex-negative upbringing making you feel gross, bad, or guilty about these urges? Practice mindfulness “If your high desire for sex is related to the fact that you find sex stress-relieving, finding other ways to relieve this stress such as breathing, visualization, and non-sexual touch exercises might help,” says Dr. O’Reilly. Don’t pressure your partner… but talk to them If your libido has increased and your partner’s hasn’t, it’s possible that either A) your partner feels guilty that they aren’t as interested in having sex or B) you’re feeling resentful that your partner doesn’t want to smash. That’s why Garrison recommends talking to your partner about it. You might say: “I’ve been really in the mood to connect with you sexually recently. Would you be open to letting me massage your back and seeing where it goes?” “Recently, I’ve been so horny for you. Would you be open to scheduling a date night sometime soon?” “I know that I’ve been suggesting we have sex more than usual, lately. I’d love to talk about ways we connect physically and intimately that make us both feel good.” What to expect at every age Your sex drive isn’t strictly tied to a timeline. But there are some natural health and hormonal shifts that typically occur within each decade that can affect your libido. Adolescence “Generally speaking, the late teens is when most people’s libidos are the highest,” says Dr. McDevitt. Largely, due to hormones. But (!), Garrison says, “That doesn’t mean that’s when people are having their most fulfilling, pleasurable sex lives.” For cisgender women in particular, adolescence can be one of the least sexually gratifying times due to things like shame and lack of information. 20s Hormonally speaking, this is a time when most folks want to get after it. But Dr. O’Reilly says due to body image, communication, and relationship issues, for folks not in long-term, loving relationships, this decade may not be one of super-satisfying (or orgasmic!) romps. 30s Stress is a libido killer. And for many, due to kids, work, household responsibilities, and aging parents, their 30s are a high-stress time. Oh, and speaking of kids… the 30s are the prime decade for baby-making. For those who get pregnant, the hormonal fluctuations during and after pregnancy can result in less interest in sex for the time being, says Dr. O’Reilly. 40s For folks of all genders and sexualities, testosterone levels dip this decade, which can lead to less frisky business. For vulva-owners this is due to perimenopause, and for penis-havers this is due to the natural aging process. But, rest assured, Dr. O’Reilly says things that often accompany this decade can lead to a higher interest in sex and more fulfilling sex. For example: kids leaving the house
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