Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Karolina
It is believed that HCP is related to an insecure or disrupted attachment in childhood. Accordingly, the symptoms of HCP can clearly be exacerbated by situations like divorce or relationship difficulties (that are filled with conflict even for people without HCP).
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Read More »HCP, given its overlap with the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic and histrionic personality disorders, may be more of a descriptive term than a specific diagnosis. Persons with HCP tend to have several things in common. They initiate and receive reward from conflict with others, and they are usually at the center of whatever conflict is occurring. They appear to treat conflict as normal and expected in their interactions, to a point at which conflict becomes a defining aspect of relationships. They are adept at escalating conflict and at blaming others. At the same time, they have great difficulty seeing things through the eyes of others and they are extremely reluctant to take responsibility in their lives or to accept blame when things go wrong. They are often referred to as “chronic blamers.” They tend to be emotional, aggressive, mistrustful and controlling. They easily see themselves as victims, and they are extremely resistant to acknowledging that they may have contributed, in even the smallest way, to making a situation difficult. For people with HCP, the world appears in black and white. Others are either with them or against them. They have little or no insight into their own behavior, and they are easily threatened by interpretations of behaviors that do not comport with their own worldview. Splitting is an important concept among persons with high conflict personalities. The people around them are perceived as all good (over-idealized) or all bad (devalued). Someone who has “split” off a family member or friend may refuse contact with that person and may speak very negatively about them. Clients with HCP are not naturally insightful. They can react with hostility to therapeutic intervention, often interpreting the therapist’s efforts as an attack. These qualities can make treatment difficult, but a trained therapist who understands HCP can work through these difficulties using specific techniques. Change may be gradual, but Clients with HCP can ultimately adopt more effective ways of living. For persons more on the narcissistic spectrum, initiating therapy may be difficult to impossible. Forming a deep relationship with a therapist is also difficult for them. Many of the symptoms of HCP are most pronounced in interactions with those closest to the Client, so these relationships are especially important to effective treatment. The involvement of family and friends in treatment can be enormously helpful for all parties, encouraging them to understand the behaviors at issue and to adopt new, more productive ways of interacting.
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Read More »What does real trouble look like? There's no emotional connection. ... Communication breakdown. ... Aggressive or confrontational communication. ... There's no appeal to physical intimacy. ... You don't trust them. ... Fantasising about others. ... You're not supporting each other and have different goals. ... You can't imagine a future together.
We’ve all experienced degrees of difficulty with someone we love. Occasional arguments are perfectly healthy, as is having different interests, and independent lives. There are certain myths about relationships and how they work that are rather glibly tossed around. For example, couples shouldn’t fight; that opposites attract; that it is critical to have common interests; that distance makes the heart grow fonder. Some couples believe that getting help for your relationship must mean you’re in deep trouble, as sex and love should ‘happen naturally’ and you shouldn’t have to work at it. However, when disagreements chip away at a couple’s underlying respect, it often results in a slow decline in the motivation to patch things up. While a sudden break up can feel a lot more shocking, it’s also much clearer — a defined moment of separation. A long disintegration, on the other hand, can leave a person feeling reeling, wondering at what point the ‘we’ became an ‘I’.
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