What causes Breadcrumbing?

insider.com - Breadcrumbing: What It Is and 8 Signs That It's Happening to You - Insider

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Breadcrumbing happens when someone gives you just enough time and attention to keep you interested. But breadcrumbers don't want to commit — instead, they manipulate you so that you're left wanting more. Responding inconsistently and not following up about plans are clear signs of breadcrumbing. If you feel like you're giving way more than you're getting with a potential partner, or like you're on an emotional rollercoaster, you might be a victim of breadcrumbing. "Breadcrumbing is a behavior in which one partner essentially gives the other partner just enough energy, time, attention, affection, or words of affirmation that provide some of the elements of being in a romantic relationship. However, the other partner is left still wanting," says Dana McNeil, PsyD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of The Relationship Place. Breadcrumbing is a sign of emotional abuse, since it involves manipulation. Here are eight clear signs of breadcrumbing as well as how to deal with it.

1. Their actions don't match their words

There's certainly some truth to the saying that actions speak louder than words. McNeil says victims of breadcrumbing may get so hung up on the wonderful things that the other person tells them that they don't take a step back to evaluate if the persons actions are lining up with their words. Breadcrumbers do this to keep you interested without fully committing. "For example, if your partner says they love you and want to be in a committed relationship with you but never seem to make the time to spend with you or make plans with you, then they are not matching their words to their behavior," says McNeil.

2. They respond inconsistently

Classic breadcrumbing behavior is inconsistent communication. For example, there may be times when they are super responsive, followed by periods of time where they seemingly disappear, says Kimberly Panganiban, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Choosing Therapy. "They are giving you just enough to keep you thinking that they are interested, followed by periods of complete silence to push you away. When they feel they may be losing you, they start back up with attention again until they feel that you are re-engaged," says Panganiban. With breadcrumbers, it's common to get stuck in an endless loop of flirty messages without any plans to actually meet, McNeil says. "This creates confusion because even if you ask them to set a time to meet, those requests may be met with excuses, ambiguous responses, or flat-out rejection delivered in a flirty wrapper that goes nowhere," says McNeil.

4. They don't follow through with plans

If and when you finally do make plans with someone who bread crumbs, they're likely to cancel, usually alongside a very good reason for their inability to keep their commitment, Panganiban says. This can create a cycle of getting your hopes up and being excited to spend time with the other person and make progress in your relationship — only to be completely let down. "Someone who is serious about you and the relationship will keep their commitments. Breadcrumbers are not serious, so they will often be flaky," says Panganiban.

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5. They make spur of the moment plans, usually surrounding sex

Breadcrumbers can be big on booty calls, McNeil says. On the rare occasion a bread crumber does instigate making plans, it's typically spur of the moment and sex-driven. They may actually let their walls down and get vulnerable with you during this time, but this doesn't last. "After the booty call, they head back to their normal lives, no future plans with you, and no contact until they are ready for the next hookup," says McNeil.

6. They don't share much about their life

Breadcrumbers might be secretive about their life, which can make you feel like they're hiding something, Panganiban says. They may share some small things about their life to pull you in and make you feel a little bit closer, but they don't get too deep with you or open up as much as you do. "They are intentionally keeping you at arm's length because they don't want to get too close. Therefore, they may share tidbits about themself, but you won't really feel that you truly know them," says Panganiban.

7. They're less interested in you than you are in them

Since breadcrumbers have no intention of creating a true lasting connection, they likely won't waste their energy genuinely trying to get to know you, Panganiban says. You might feel like they're charming and flirtatious, but they don't ask questions or spend time trying to connect on a deeper level. "You will feel like you are chasing them and investing a lot to try to get the relationship going and this will not be reciprocated from their end," says Panganiban.

8. You feel bad about yourself after spending time with them

Breadcrumbers can take you on a rollercoaster of emotions.

McNeil says as much as they may flirt with you or compliment you, they might also put you down. They can do this through tactics like giving you a list of the things that you could do that would make you more interesting, or comparing you to their exes. "Being in a relationship is not supposed to make you feel bad about yourself, insecure, or worry if you are enough. If this is a new feeling for you in relationships, you may want to consider if you are feeling this way because you are being breadcrumbed," says McNeil.

How to deal with breadcrumbing

If you suspect that you're being breadcrumbed, here are five tips that can help you cope.

1. Try not to take it personally

Remind yourself that even though this behavior involves you, this is not about you. Of course, this is easier said than done, but it's something to keep in mind. "People who breadcrumb do it to boost their own ego. They do not care about other people's feelings. It does not mean there is something wrong with you or that you aren't good enough," says Panganiban.

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2. Remember what you deserve

McNeil says you shouldn't treat yourself like you deserve to be treated poorly or minimize your own needs in order to make a relationship work. This isn't healthy or sustainable for the long term, since it will only lead to you feeling let down over and over again.

3. Set clear boundaries and be direct

Having healthy boundaries is crucial for any healthy relationship. You should try to be clear with what you're looking for, what you want, and what you expect, says McNeil. Know where you draw the line in the sand and what you will and won't put up with. "If you want to talk on the phone, have more regular conversation, or have dates during daylight hours that don't include being horizontal, then speak up. Telling someone how you want to be treated also lets you hear yourself asking for your needs and being your own advocate," says McNeil.

4. Decide if the relationship is worth continuing

Take a good hard look at your "relationship" and decide if it's worth it to keep putting your energy into it. If you decide it is, Panganiban says you should firmly state your boundaries. "If they do not meet your needs –– or you decide not to even waste another second on them –– disengage from the relationship so that you are available to engage with someone that can provide you what you need and deserve in a relationship," says Panganiban.

5. Notice red flags in the future

You do not have to settle for breadcrumbers. "Keep an eye open for red flags moving forward and don't engage with people that aren't equally as invested," says Panganiban. If you decide to keep firmer boundaries, you can find relationships that are more fulfilling in the future.

Insider's takeaway

You deserve much more than just crumbs. "It is never going to be satisfying to try to scoop all these crumbs together and cobble them together into something real and tangible when it is full of holes, missed connections, or lacks the ingredients to create real substance," says McNeil. Recognize the signs of breadcrumbing, and take actions to set boundaries and make your intentions clear to get what you want out of a relationship. If the breadcrumber doesn't meet your needs, know when it's time to leave the relationship and seek out what you truly deserve.

insider.com - Breadcrumbing: What It Is and 8 Signs That It's Happening to You - Insider

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