What blocks emotional intimacy?

If we have a history of having experiences, where issues around security and trust have been impaired in some way then that tends to surface as repetitive patterns. These patterns will tend to display themselves when we attempt to get into an adult intimate relationship. In short, that's what an intimacy block is.

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Blocks to intimacy are any patterns that we have which are often unbeknownst to us. In many cases, we do not even experience them until we enter an adult relationship. Intimacy requires an enormous amount of vulnerability and trust. For most all of us, the combination of those can bring up a lot of fear. If we have a history of having experiences, where issues around security and trust have been impaired in some way then that tends to surface as repetitive patterns. These patterns will tend to display themselves when we attempt to get into an adult intimate relationship. In short, that's what an intimacy block is. They vary but their foundation is often from unresolved issues around trust, trauma or vulnerability from the past.

How do you recognize if you have an Intimacy Block?

If you have a repetitive pattern of having an experience or a feeling over and over again that can be a sign. It doesn't have to be a specific behaviour showing up with your partner. If you have a repetitive experience in relationships, where you say “hey, I always feel like this, or this always happens to me.” This is a first clue that you have what's called a tension between your conscious in your subconscious mind. Despite your best intellectual effort, or your best conscious efforts, you may act out self-defeating behaviours. These behaviours occur subconsciously and you experience a result that you don't want. If you do this repeatedly, it's safe to assume that you have a subconscious block to Intimacy. You can take that into other domains as well if you experience a pattern in any area. Patterns are always a great clue to find what is at the root, and if you an emotional block of some sort. Discovering what the source of trauma is can aid it’s healing but that can look very different depending on the individual. First, we should define trauma which is a loaded word. Most people think of trauma from a car accident or very radical experience somebody has had, but trauma is any emotionally-charged experience a person has had that was not fully processed at the time of having the experience. Depending on the individual it can be something that for many people seems very benign. Even an experience with your social peers when you were a student in school, can be a source of trauma. It can stem from an emotionally unavailable well-intentioned loving parent that dismisses emotions. Other trauma can be quite obvious. You are aware that if you have had significant sexual or physical trauma, you know consciously and subconsciously that you have a lot of blocks in that area. This requires deeper therapy such as EMDR which works largely with the subconscious allowing these issues to be emotionally released through that modality.

Processing Trauma In Order To Heal

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Trauma is an experience that’s so overwhelming we can't fully process it at the time of having it and thus suppress emotions. When it comes to trauma, we outgrow the experience but the suppression of those emotions are left. In therapy, those suppressed emotions are safely processed and released. Many people equate therapy and counseling with sitting around talking, Although talk therapy is relevant, it's not about finding the narrative and discussing it at length. The narrative is not that relevant. The suppressed emotions are what we are focusing on, not the reason why they are there. Methods such as EMDR really get to the root of emotions in a far more efficient way and does not require having to speak about the narrative.

Approaches to Treating Emotional Blocks

In processing emotional or intimacy block we first need to identify them and the defenses that have built up around them. This defense can be very powerful. They have become powerful as at the time they were developed they might have helped one survive whatever experience was had. Our defenses are really just what we use to keep ourselves safe. Sometimes our defenses create an inability to look at what’s uncomfortable. That's certainly can be the first area to focus on. In regards to identifying patterns, sometimes our defenses don't really allow us to do that in it honest and transparent way. Once your pattern is located it typically has some real emotional charge around it. Wherever there's emotion that's where the defences come up. This can cause a dilemma and there has to be a willingness, to be honest with yourself in a productive way. Quality counseling and therapy can help you locate where those tender spots are and if done in a skilled way, it creates a safe environment that does not trigger or re-traumatize you. Instead, it allows you to be emotionally released from those traumatizing experiences. The goal of trauma therapy is releasing the emotion, it doesn't change the past but it certainly does release the emotion attached to it.

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