Infatuation Rules
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What are the stages of getting back together with an ex?

Not all relationships deserve a take two. But if you do want to give your ex another chance, there are steps you can take to get back together. ... 7 stages of getting back together with an ex Bubble space. ... Defining yourself without them. ... Dip a toe in the water. ... The reboot date. ... No news is good news. ... A whole new you two. More items... •

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In other words, reuniting with a former flame can be a great idea or a terrible idea. It all comes down to your unique sitch. But, if you know in your gut getting back together with your ex is a good idea, we gotchu. While some sequels are better than the original, many are Razzie-worthy dumpster fires that ruin the very memory of what made the original so great. Relationships can be like movies. The first story ends and everyone moves on to something else. Or, the cast reunites for a sequel … or trilogy … or franchise. Not all relationships deserve a take two. But if you do want to give your ex another chance, there are steps you can take to get back together.

Okay, so you broke up. Someone was dumped. Someone did the dumping. Or maybe there was a mutual “all the best to you.” Your friends and family all heard about the breakup. A lot. Maybe some of them even saw it go down. Whatever the case, it’s over … or is it!?

Here’s how to navigate some common stages of the journey to a relationship sequel with your ex.

1. Bubble space

This is the kindergarten teacher term for “no contact.” No talking, no touching, no texting. This gives you and your ex some space to cool down. Whether the breakup was heated or ice-cold, there’s bound to be some lingering intense emotions. So give it time and space to get back to room temp. NGL, this stage can be very lonely and even scary. The good news is that things should get easier with each passing day. So, try to just sit in the alone time and enjoy. Sort of like one of those sound baths out near Joshua Tree. You squirm at first in the awkwardness of it, but eventually, you relax into it. P.S. This me-time doesn’t have to be lonely! Reach out to friends and family and talk it out. Be sure to listen, too. Most people have a breakup war story. If your friends start to glaze over with boredom, tell a therapist how you’re feeling about the breakup. And for extra catharsis, go ahead and make that epic breakup playlist.

2. Defining yourself without them

This alone time might lead you to some pretty surprising epiphanies about yourself. Free of your ex’s gaze, you might get to know who you are and who you’re not. With your ex out of the picture, you’re free of their opinions or even their lack of opinions. You’ll notice what’s important to you without having to think about how it relates to someone else. Notice how you spend your time, how you dress, what music you listen to, and what shows you marathon. And, more importantly, notice how you feel on your own. You might feel elated at first but then lonely or wistful for the past.

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When you reminisce, try to be brutally honest about your relationship. Looking at the past through rose-colored glasses will lead you to repeat the same patterns over and over again. PSA: Even if you start to feel a sense of inner peace, it’s totally normal to miss your ex. Just try to be patient with the process and don’t reach out before you’re really ready. Think of it like getting a tattoo. Do you really want that dolphin on your lower back? If a few months go by and you seriously want that ink, it might be time to make contact.

3. Dip a toe in the water

If your ex has gone through a similarly productive post-break-up journey, you might start to re-establish contact. Keep the stakes low and the timing appropriate. A daytime text here or there. Maybe a call while you’re running errands. Keep it authentic but keep healthy boundaries. Also, try not to pry about their solo journey and steer clear of bragging about yours. If you feel pangs of jealousy or competitiveness, this might be a sign that you’re not fully healed from the hurt. The key here is to offer up an olive branch without expecting anything back. Be brave, be open and be honest. But don’t lay it on too thick or too fast. Remember, too much water on a flower will lead to drown town.

4. The reboot date

And now for the second first date. The sequel has begun. You might have some serious jitters going into this, and the stakes might feel super high. That’s why it’s uber important to lead with your head and not your heart … or other body parts. Those pheromones are going to be exchanged once again and it might make you feel all a-flutter. Whoa, somebody changed their body lotion. But try to keep it PG so that you can really connect with your ex and see what’s what. At least during dinner. You both might feel the need to shed some clothing by the time the check arrives. Sex at this point isn’t technically break-up sex (because you took that crucial no-contact time apart) but proceed with caution. And like any first date, don’t take it for granted that there will be a second one. Slow and steady is key. Pro tip: Meditation is a great idea always but especially if you’re dealing with relationship troubles. According to a 2015 study, meditating can improve cognitive control, emotion regulation, and empathy. This, in turn, could lead to better decision-making.

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5. No news is good news

Once you’ve hit your dating stride with your ex, you might settle into a new dynamic that might feel strangely … undramatic. And that’s not a bad thing! You’re probably still on your best behavior, but try to establish some communication about what you feel you need from this new chapter. Be clear about what you expect from them and ask what they expect from you. Don’t forget to maintain any new self-care routines you might have picked up during your time alone. You’re not entirely the same as you were during the last phase of your relationship, so check out how your partner reacts to this new you. And again, communication is crucial. Setting new boundaries and moving away from old triggers can help solidify this new beginning.

6. A whole new you two

This new version of you is spending time with a new version of them, so this will inevitably lead to a new dynamic in your relationship. You’re basically a new couple trying out a new romance in a new era. But, hey, you might not be into this new dynamic. Who knows? Maybe you’ve made it through these six long stages only to realize that the breakup was a good idea in the first place. The only way to know is to stay open and present. Does this feel like a new beginning or just a repeat? Are you feeling the same as before or are you feeling renewed and relaxed with this new version of your relationship? Honor your feelings and discuss them with friends, family, and/or a therapist.

7. Redefining love

If you actually are into this new version of your duo, then the word “love” might take on a whole new meaning. What was maybe an infatuation could now have a deeper level of devotion. What was once raw and tumultuous might now be fulfilling in a peaceful yet powerful way. There’s no predicting what it will look like when you reconnect for this romantic sequel. So, continue to communicate your feelings and be clear with your boundaries.

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