Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Skylar Kang
Some common signs of toxic femininity to pay attention to — in yourself or others — include: Feeling you should always have a male partner, even if you don't particularly want a relationship. ... Judgment or shame for not having children. ... Sacrificing your health to fit societal expectations for women. More items... •
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Read More »Share on Pinterest Sweenshots & Shaymone/Stocksy United Perhaps you’ve come across the term “toxic masculinity” before. If so, you might know this concept describes the ways society’s gender-based expectations for men can breed unhelpful characteristics and behaviors, including aggression, difficulty expressing emotions, and excessive self-reliance. But psychologists and researchers have also started to consider a similar topic, “toxic femininity.” In a nutshell, this term describes the potentially negative impact of society’s standards for women. It’s not clear who first coined “toxic femininity.” Various internet sources suggest the term first entered the mainstream public lexicon around 2018, when social psychologist Devon Price wrote a Medium post about it, and journalist, speaker, and educator Jane Gilmore published a piece on the topic in The Sydney Morning Herald. The definition of the term can vary slightly, depending on the source. A common anti-feminist misconception suggests it means using “feminine” qualities to manipulate men. Yet most experts agree toxic femininity involves restricting your behavior to fit stereotypically feminine traits that men supposedly find pleasing. Toxic femininity can affect your health and well-being in many ways by increasing stress levels, sabotaging your sense of identity, contributing to a feeling of powerlessness, and leading to unhealthy relationships, says Monica Vermani, PsyD, clinical psychologist and author of “A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas“ “Both toxic masculinity and femininity are unhealthy as they pressure individuals to fit a mold rather than strive to live and relate to others authentically, as their highest and best selves,” she explains. Here’s how to identify toxic femininity and what to do about it when you recognize it. What does it mean, exactly? Toxic femininity can describe any instance when women are either explicitly told to conform to traditional stereotypes or attempt to align with those stereotypes themselves, according to licensed therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC. Rice notes that while toxic femininity stems from society’s rigid molds, individual people reinforce it all the time. It often happens as a subconscious effort to find value or feel accepted in a patriarchal society. “At its core, it’s an internalization of misogynistic values and power structures,” adds Vermani, going on to explain that toxic femininity is based on the following stereotypically “feminine” traits: passiveness, selflessness, and nurturance
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Read More »Those who choose not to have children, or who experience fertility issues, should never be made to feel less like a woman, says Abby Dixon, MS, a licensed professional counselor and owner of The Joywell. Sacrificing your health to fit societal expectations for women. Rice explains this can mean trying overly restrictive diets, investing in procedures that are risky or beyond your budget, or otherwise going to extreme lengths to meet society’s beauty standards for women. Rice explains this can mean trying overly restrictive diets, investing in procedures that are risky or beyond your budget, or otherwise going to extreme lengths to meet society’s beauty standards for women. Putting men’s needs and desires before your own. This could mean suppressing your own needs and feelings in order to accommodate a male partner, colleague, or family member, Vermani says. For example, you might agree to do something you don’t want to do for a co-worker so you seem polite and easygoing. This could mean suppressing your own needs and feelings in order to accommodate a male partner, colleague, or family member, Vermani says. For example, you might agree to do something you don’t want to do for a co-worker so you seem polite and easygoing. Downplaying your capabilities. Pretending you don’t know how to do something or aren’t physically capable of something — especially in an effort to avoid emasculating a man — plays into perceived feminine weakness, says Vermani. Pretending you don’t know how to do something or aren’t physically capable of something — especially in an effort to avoid emasculating a man — plays into perceived feminine weakness, says Vermani. Avoiding confrontation with men. Since traditional gender norms dictate that women should be obedient and submissive, Lurie says toxic femininity can manifest as not challenging men when you disagree with them or when they do something that bothers you. Since traditional gender norms dictate that women should be obedient and submissive, Lurie says toxic femininity can manifest as not challenging men when you disagree with them or when they do something that bothers you. Judging other women or experiencing judgment from other women for not being “feminine” enough. Dismissing or belittling women who don’t conform to societal expectations for their gender is a common sign of toxic femininity, according to Vermani. How to handle it Once you have a clearer understanding of toxic femininity, you may find yourself beginning to notice it in your everyday life. Experts suggest a few ways to respond to this construct. If you notice it in yourself Consider where your beliefs came from. Rice says it can help to consider where you first picked up on notions of toxic femininity. Parents? Friends? The media? Identifying the source of these ideas can help you begin untangling them from your own true beliefs. Rice says it can help to consider where you first picked up on notions of toxic femininity. Parents? Friends? The media? Identifying the source of these ideas can help you begin untangling them from your own true beliefs. Question your motivations. Toxic femininity can be so ingrained that certain behaviors may feel automatic. That’s why Lurie suggests getting curious about your actions. Do those choices truly represent what’s best for you? Or do you believe you’re expected to make them? Before agreeing to take on a task, you might consider whether you genuinely want to help — or simply feel you should. Toxic femininity can be so ingrained that certain behaviors may feel automatic. That’s why Lurie suggests getting curious about your actions. Do those choices truly represent what’s best for you? Or do you believe you’re expected to make them? Before agreeing to take on a task, you might consider whether you genuinely want to help — or simply feel you should. Practice self-validation. “Women are often socialized and conditioned to minimize their experiences and discount their feelings to make men feel comfortable,” says Vermani. So, make it a point to validate yourself. You might, for instance, reach for daily positive affirmations like, “It’s natural to feel this way,” “It’s OK to feel angry,” “I tried my best, and that’s enough,” or “My feelings matter.” “Women are often socialized and conditioned to minimize their experiences and discount their feelings to make men feel comfortable,” says Vermani. So, make it a point to validate yourself. You might, for instance, reach for daily positive affirmations like, “It’s natural to feel this way,” “It’s OK to feel angry,” “I tried my best, and that’s enough,” or “My feelings matter.” Notice when and where you feel most authentic. Rice suggests noticing when you most feel the urge to conform to stereotypes and distancing yourself from those scenarios. Creating distance may involve setting boundaries with people who would rather pressure you to fit their expectations than celebrate your uniqueness.
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Read More »Rice suggests noticing when you most feel the urge to conform to stereotypes and distancing yourself from those scenarios. Creating distance may involve setting boundaries with people who would rather pressure you to fit their expectations than celebrate your uniqueness. Make space to explore. “Allow yourself to discover aspects of your identity that go against the norm, and honor those parts of yourself when they arise rather than reject them,” says Lurie. “Allow yourself to discover aspects of your identity that go against the norm, and honor those parts of yourself when they arise rather than reject them,” says Lurie. Be mindful of the media you consume. If you recognize that certain channels, publications, social media accounts, or other outlets promote toxic femininity, you might consider avoiding those as much as possible. Instead, Lurie recommends taking in inclusive media that challenge gender norms and represent the wide array of gender expressions that exist. If you notice it in others Approach the subject with curiosity and compassion. Making accusations can put the person on the defensive, so Dixon advises calling it out by asking a question. If your sister keeps commenting on the fact that her friend doesn’t want kids, you might ask, “It seems like you have some strong feelings about that. Why do you think it bothers you?” Making accusations can put the person on the defensive, so Dixon advises calling it out by asking a question. If your sister keeps commenting on the fact that her friend doesn’t want kids, you might ask, “It seems like you have some strong feelings about that. Why do you think it bothers you?” Ask if their actions are genuinely in their best interests. If you believe toxic femininity is affecting someone in your life, Lurie recommends asking whether their choices bring them joy and fulfill their needs. You could, for instance, ask a friend why they chose to leave a job or neglected to pursue a career. If you believe toxic femininity is affecting someone in your life, Lurie recommends asking whether their choices bring them joy and fulfill their needs. You could, for instance, ask a friend why they chose to leave a job or neglected to pursue a career. Show them judgment-free love. Lurie suggests affirming and supporting any self-expression not colored by societal expectations. Remind them of everything you love and appreciate about them, especially the qualities that may not align with gender norms. No matter how you decide to approach the topic, Rice emphasizes the importance of: asking open-ended questions
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