Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Katerina Holmes
Without further ado, here are four things that are needed for a healthy relationship: respect, equality, safety, and trust. Each of these components can manifest in healthy ways or in unhealthy ways in any relationship, and are built with actions as much as words.
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Read More »4 things that make a relationship healthy or unhealthy By Sam Killermann - author, artist, comedian, and award-winning activist Email It’s hard to define what a healthy relationship looks like because we all navigate relationships differently. Relationships are generally seen through the lenses of our gender as well as our sexuality, but there are many other aspects of our identity that are going to inform what we see as good or bad, desirable or detestable, healthy or unhealthy. It’s not as simple as “don’t be a jerk” (although that’s a great starting point). Because of that complexity, it might be easy to throw in the towel and say “there’s no such thing as a universally healthy relationship.” I won’t disagree with that (we’ll discuss it later), but I will suggest that there are four elements that are required for a healthy relationship. That is, they’re not sufficient (these things alone won’t do it), but they are necessary. What’s more, I would argue that these same four things can lead to a relationship that is fundamentally unhealthy, as much as they can build up a healthy one. Unlike being a jerk, which is more of a one-dimensionally bad way to be. When building relationships, the materials we use are important, and the ways we use those materials are just as important. Without further ado, here are four things that are needed for a healthy relationship: respect, equality, safety, and trust. Each of these components can manifest in healthy ways or in unhealthy ways in any relationship, and are built with actions as much as words. Following is the explanation behind a healthy relationship model that I co-created with Karen Rayne of Unhushed. Let’s Start with the Components: R.E.S.T. Respect Here, we’re talking about the definition of respect being similar to “a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way.” Respect is about appreciating your partner(s) viewpoints, opinions, beliefs, and decisions — both in general, and regarding your relationship. It’s about setting and observing boundaries, hearing your partner when they say “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe,” and making sure you ask for their input to begin with. And respect is about recognizing the importance of the relationship you’re in. Following the guidelines you’ve set up for each other, treating the relationship with care, or at least the amount and type of care that you know is expected by your partner(s). Equality Here, we’re talking about the definition of equality of “being equal, especially in status, rights, and opportunities.” Take special note here that I’m using the word equality (instead of my generally-preferred-in-social-justice-context “equity”) intentionally. We aren’t looking for fair amounts of access, but a truly balanced amount of power amongst the people in the relationship. Equality is about making decisions together, or at least creating agreements for how decisions will be made. It’s about your partner(s) having the same amount of voice and power, and knowing that the partners in a relationship have an open seat at the decision-making table (even if they don’t choose to sit in it). This can be tough, because everyone is navigating the very unequal world-at-large with different amounts of power (some of us granted more, others less, because of our social identities), so it’s easy for us to slip into either recreating those dynamics in our relationships, or inverting them to a different harmful outcome. Safety Here, we’re talking about the definition of safety of “the condition of being protected from or unlikely to cause danger, risk, or injury” with one big caveat: at the cause or negligence of your partner(s). That is, a healthy relationship doesn’t require safety from the elements, a crashing economy, or an errant banana peel. It’s safety with and from each other in the relationship. Safety is about knowing that your partner(s) won’t intentionally hurt you — physically, emotionally, psychologically, or otherwise. It’s knowing that they are looking out for you, for your interests, and for your general well-being. You’re not going to be able to protect each other from everything, but if you fall their way they’ll catch you. Trust Here, we’re talking about the definition of trust similar to “the belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest.” A mutual trust that the partners in the relationship can believe one another, rely on one another, and be generally good to one another. Trust is about knowing that you can believe your partner(s), that they are saying what they mean, and that when they act you can reasonably assume they’re acting in ways that are good. It’s knowing that you aren’t being manipulated, mislead, or taken advantage of.
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Read More »Think of the imagery of a column: solid, sturdy, physical, and something upon which other things can be placed. Healthy versions of respect, equality, safety, and trust pop up in our relationships like columns. You might create these columns with behaviors or attitudes, with actions or with kept promises. Showing genuine interest in your partner’s job or interests can build respect. Allowing everyone to get as much say as they want in what movies you watch or meals you eat can build equality. Safety can be created by looking out for a partner when they’re vulnerable. And trust is built when your words align with your actions. We can imagine every interaction in our relationship — every action, every promise, or every value — that adds to respect, equality, safety, and trust as a brick in a column. Or every possible interaction as a potential brick, waiting to be added over time (or not added) to a relationship. How many actions, promises, or values of R.E.S.T. constitute a “healthy” relationship is up to the people involved. There’s no quota, no “you must be this tall to ride.” And, as I mentioned above, building columns of R.E.S.T. is not necessarily enough for a healthy relationship. Some people will need more and distinctly different things to be healthy. But the odds are good that these four components will be required, in some form or fashion. Building columns of R.E.S.T. is not necessarily enough for a healthy relationship. Some people will need more and distinctly different things to be healthy. But the odds are good that these four components will be required, in some form or fashion.
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Read More »So what do we do? None of the above is a blueprint; it’s more of a rubric. The idea that healthy relationships have positive manifestations of respect, equality, safety, and trust doesn’t tell you much about how to make those things happen, as much as it tells you how to gauge what’s happening.
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