What are the four conflict patterns that destroy relationships?

Gottman discovered several patterns in relationships that destroy marriages. Gottman calls these destructive patterns the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

embodiedandembraced.com - The 4 Most Destructive Conflict Patterns to Avoid

What month do couples break up the most?

December December might be a time for joy and goodwill – but it's also the most popular time for couples to break up. Dec 11, 2020

Last updated Nov 3, 2019

What makes someone missing?

A missing person is defined as someone who is absent and reported missing to a law enforcement agency until the person is located or, in the case...

Last updated Jul 25, 2021

Promotion

If you feel as if you and your partner are riding the same emotional rollercoaster over and over and cannot seem to stop fighting, your relationship may be suffering from one or many of these destructive conflict patterns. The good news is that understanding these patterns will help you and your partner interrupt these conflict cycles and develop conflict habits that draw you into deeper connection and intimacy. (Stay tuned for Part 2 of this series, where I will teach you how to turn your conflicts into opportunities for connection.) The way you fight says a lot about whether or not you will divorce. Dr. John Gottman, a renown relationship researcher, conducted seven longitudinal studies that were able to predict with 90% accuracy whether a couple would divorce. He found that the way couples interacted with each other became the deciding factor in whether or not a couple would divorce. Now, before you let your mind catastrophize as you recall the conflicts you and your partner have experienced, let me ease your anxiety with saying that Gottman found that conflict in relationships is a given. You and your partner WILL have conflict and that is normal. Ridding your relationship of conflict is not the secret to a happy marriage. Learning to fight well is the difference between a marriage that lasts and a marriage that falls apart. Gottman discovered several patterns in relationships that destroy marriages. Gottman calls these destructive patterns the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

#1 Criticism

A criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint is part of clear and assertive communication that builds up your marriage. It is about a specific behavior or event and has 3 parts:

How I feel The specific event What I need

Criticism is much different because it focuses on a negative feeling or opinion about the person’s character or personality globally. If you find yourself saying “you always…” or “you never…” you are probably in the middle of a criticism. Criticism is common for a lot of couples, and when it becomes very frequent, it may lead to the other 3 horsemen that endanger your relationship.

#2 Contempt

What is a dark soul personality?

The term dark personalities refer to a set of socially aversive traits (such as spitefulness, greed, sadism, narcissism, psychopathy, and...

Last updated Aug 14, 2020

How do you know if the break up is serious?

Signs that it's time to part ways You keep breaking up and getting back together. ... You're doing all the sacrificing. ... You can't trust them....

Last updated May 27, 2022

Promotion

Contempt involves a sense of superiority that you hold over your partner. It is fueled by long-held negative thoughts about your partner. This negativity makes it difficult for either partner to hear a repair attempt, which is an essential tool for healthy relationships.

#3 Defensiveness

Defensiveness is blame in disguise. It often looks like stepping into the victim role and seeing your partner as the enemy. This changes the relationship dynamic by disconnecting each partner rather than bringing each partner together to function as a team. When you find yourself in the “blame game,” it is probably time to take a time-out before the disconnection in your relationship leads to the next horseman of the apocalypse, stonewalling.

#4 Stonewalling

When contempt, defensiveness, and criticism have escalated the conflict, it is common to see one partner disengage. We call this stonewalling. At this point, negativity in the relationship has become overwhelming. By avoiding the conflict, the partner also avoids the marriage. Take a moment to consider which of these you tend to act from in your relationship. If you notice that you and your partner participate in one or many of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, know that you are not alone. Even some of the best marriages have used these conflict behaviors. The difference between a marriage that falls apart and a marriage that thrives is a couple’s ability to repair. If you are ready to turn these destructive conflict patterns into catalysts for deepened intimacy, stay tuned! In Part 2 of this series, I teach you how to mindfully interrupt these hurtful patterns with habits that support the health of your relationship.

embodiedandembraced.com - The 4 Most Destructive Conflict Patterns to Avoid

Can I fix my trust issues?

There are many things that you can do to overcome trust issues. Starting slow, communicating your needs, trying therapy, and learning to trust...

Last updated May 19, 2021

How do I make my boyfriend a deeper connection?

You'll establish a deeper connection in your relationship in no time flat! Have meaningful conversations. ... Be present. ... Show you care. ......

Last updated Sep 16, 2019

Promotion

How do I know if I am good looking?

You often get compliments – and not just words. This is a pretty straightforward one, but if people compliment you not only in words but through...

Last updated Jan 1, 2019

Promotion

How do you tell if he sees a future with you?

If Your Partner Sees A Future With You, Experts Say They'll Do These 8 Things They Put You On Their Social Media Accounts. ... They Try To Get To...

Last updated Mar 21, 2020