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What are the chances of your ex wanting you back?

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Content Warning: Please be advised that the following article mentions potentially triggering topics such as abuse, trauma, and unhealthy relationships. Read with discretion. After the end of a relationship, it may feel challenging to let go of previous goals, desires, or hopes that you had with your ex-partner. If you spent most of your days together, it might feel unfamiliar to wake up alone or experience life without them by your side.

In some cases, you may wonder if your ex will return and if things will go back to normal. Bargaining, denial, and hope can be parts of the grieving process when you lose someone. So, should you move on or keep waiting for your ex?

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Can Exes Come Back?

Exes may return in some cases. As couples can break up for various reasons, the circumstances of a breakup may impact the potential for reconnection. However, a recent study showed that, on average, only 15% of exes get back together and remain in a healthy, loving relationship long-term. If you and your partner have chosen to break up, mutually or not, there may have been a reason. For example, couples often break up for the following reasons:

Conflict

Falling out of love or growing apart

Infidelity

Differing values

Differing opinions on childcare or having children

Life stressors, such as moving

Joint trauma

Financial difficulties

Differing personalities

Differing desires for monogamy or polyamory

Lack of respect

Family conflict

Abuse*

*If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat. Exes might get back together if the reasoning for a breakup was mutual or based on uncontrollable life circumstances. In some cases, exes break up and get back together more than once due to unhealthy relationship patterns or beliefs. Studies show that couples in an abusive or unhealthy relationship often experience trauma bonding, a type of emotional dependency or codependency stemming from joint trauma or the cycle of abuse. Trauma bonding may cause someone to feel that remaining in a breakup and makeup cycle with their ex is the healthiest or most desirable option, even if it causes harm. Additionally, those who struggle to set relationship boundaries may feel that they would accept their ex back, even if their ex hurt them in some way. They might feel they deserved the hurt or cannot find a better dynamic. This feeling can stem from past trauma or self-esteem issues. If you feel this way, it may be beneficial to reach out for support from a professional.

What Makes An Ex Come Back?

Your ex might return for various reasons. For example, they could miss you, still feel in love, or want to work on the conflicts that ended your relationship. In other cases, they might feel lonely, don't want to take responsibility for their actions, or feel the breakup wasn't permanent. No matter why your ex returns, it can be up to you to decide if you think it's healthy for you. If you ended the relationship, your ex might reach out with hopes that you will forgive them, accept their apology, or have a change of heart. If you decided to break up with them, remember your reasoning when making a choice. Even if your ex is sorry, has made changes in their life, or has had a change of heart, it doesn't necessarily mean you must accept it.

What Should I Do If My Ex Comes Back?

If your ex returns, you have a few options. It can start with a choice, setting clear boundaries, and remaining cautious as you communicate. Research shows that healthy relationships can improve mental and physical health. However, unhealthy ones can have the opposite effect. If your relationship with your ex was unhealthy or could be unhealthy in the future, it may not be the best choice to get back together.

Make A Choice

If your ex returns to your life or attempts to communicate with you, you can make a choice. Your choice might include the following:

Getting back together

Blocking your ex

Communicating your boundaries

Becoming friends

Asking them to give you space

Discussing the circumstances around your breakup

Asking for closure

Asking for more time to think

You don't have to make a significant decision if you're not sure just yet. Try to communicate to your ex where you're at and gauge their reaction. You can end the conversation if they are aggressive, defensive, or unkind.

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If you decide to get back together with your ex or give them another chance, you may try couples counseling. When couples break up, there is often a reason, and couples therapy can help you and your ex discuss these reasons in a safe and neutral therapeutic environment. If you decide to cut off contact with your ex or ask for space, blocking their social media accounts or avoiding them as much as possible may be valuable. If your ex repeatedly contacts you, follows you, or disregards your physical and emotional boundaries, it could qualify as harassment or stalking behavior. Check with your local police if you feel unsafe.

Set Boundaries

If you have a conversation with your ex, decide to get back together, or hope to stay friends at some point, setting boundaries can be an essential part of maintaining a healthy connection. Your boundaries may include the amount of time you spend together, what you will and won't accept physically and emotionally, and the amount of contact you're comfortable having. Suppose you've decided to give your ex another chance. In that case, boundaries may be rules you set in your relationship to avoid future conflicts or situations like the ones you experienced when breaking up.

Be Cautious

Try to be cautious when speaking to your ex. If you feel unsafe, unheard, or disrespected, you might choose to end the conversation and set a boundary. If you've re-entered a relationship, take it slow. You might not be able to "return to normal" after your breakup. There could be new conflicts, jealousy, or concerns from you or your partner. During this time, speaking to a couples counselor could be beneficial. If you and your ex have decided to stay friends, try not to disregard your values in the process. For example, if you wish to stay platonic and avoid physical affection, say "no" to any advances from your ex that are romantic or sexual. If your ex wants to continue having a physical relationship without the label of a relationship, you do not have to do so if it makes you uncomfortable.

Why Do I Want My Ex To Come Back?

Individuals may sometimes feel a longing for their ex after a breakup. You might miss happy memories or desire closeness from before. The longing might feel powerful or override your brain's logical centers that remind you why the relationship ended. Although it can be a regular part of grief to miss your ex, try to focus on healing the urges before deciding to reach out. Being able to decide using your head and heart simultaneously has been proven to be more effective than letting only emotion or only logic cloud your decisions.

Should I Move On From My Ex?

Deciding whether to move on from an ex is a personal choice. However, if you find that most of your relationship was fraught with pain, abuse, trauma, or unhealthy patterns, it may not be the healthiest choice to get back together. Although people can change their attachment styles, personalities, and behaviors, doing so is often difficult, time-consuming, and takes willingness and introspection. Your ex may not change in a few months or even a few years. Change cannot be forced, and if you try to convince your ex of everything they did wrong, they might feel defensive or angry. Instead of focusing on whether your ex has changed for the better, focus on changing yourself for the better and seeing what life could have in store for you in the future.

Ways To Move Forward After A Breakup

After your breakup, consider the following ways to move forward from your ex. Once you have a clear mind and a healthy body and feel that you have moved on, you may feel open to talking to your ex again.

Focus On Self-Care

Commit to self-care through activities that have been proven to support your mental and physical health, such as: Spending time in nature

Practicing mindfulness or meditation

Partaking in a hobby

Eating healthy meals

Committing to your mental health

Journaling about your thoughts and feelings

Taking space from negative influences

Practicing optimism

Opening your mind to new possibilities

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Relaxing when you can

Spending time with your pets

Exercising

If you get stressed during the process, practice a quick deep breathing exercise such as box breathing to control your nervous system.

Feel Your Emotions

Studies show that suppressing your emotions can be damaging to your overall health. If you feel sad, angry, anxious, shameful, or any other way about your breakup, consider letting yourself express those emotions in healthy ways. A few ways to express emotions could include:

Journaling

Yelling into a pillow

Talking to a friend or family

Talking to a therapist

Crying when you feel the urge

Labeling your emotions

Hugging your pets when you feel sad

Reaching out for help when you need it

Recording a video diary for yourself

Going to an "anger room" where you can smash items in a safe and controlled environment

Punching a punching bag

Exercising or running

Practicing self-soothing

Singing songs that you relate to

Take Time To Heal

Moving on can take time. There may be no one timeline to follow. Like grief, you could cycle through your emotions several times before you feel acceptance regarding the breakup. Give yourself as much time as you need, and try not to judge how long it takes. During this time, limit exposure to your ex. You might do so by ignoring their messages, removing them from social media, or avoiding locations they frequent. Ask friends and family to avoid speaking of your ex while you process what happened.

See A Counselor

Finally, if you're struggling with urges to talk to your ex, want your ex to leave you alone, or feel conflicted about moving on, talking to a therapist could have benefits. For example, therapists are often trained in precise coping mechanisms that have been studied to support those going through similar thoughts, emotions, and urges. During a breakup, it can feel challenging to leave home or make time for appointments. If you relate, online counseling is another option available to you. Additionally, studies show that teletherapy is as effective as other options. Couples therapy can also be done online if you and your ex get back together and want to discuss your options. Through online platforms such as BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you may be able to make a positive change in your breakup situation. Signing up can take a few minutes, and you'll be matched with a counselor that meets your stated preferences. Takeaway After the end of a relationship, you or your ex may struggle to move on and feel a need to reach out. Although some couples get back together, moving on could be your healthiest choice. If you need support in making the decision, consider reaching out to a counselor for professional guidance.

Counselor Reviews

"I've tried other counselors that I liked but didn't seem right for me but Margaret has been amazing! I love her honesty, compassion, and realness! It was really easy to open up to her and she's helped me get through a very tough breakup that nobody else could seem to get me through. I would recommend her to anyone! She makes it so comfortable to talk to her as if you've known her for forever!"

Step Into The Future With Compassionate Guidance Talk To A Counselor

"I've never been to therapy and so was really hesitant about opening up at first. But Whitney has just been so great! I signed up for BetterHelp because I was going through a breakup with problems I knew stemmed from problems with myself. I knew I felt unhappy in my relationship but could not for certain say why. Therapy with Whitney has been so great in helping me become more self aware and reflective. And, of course, the break up was hard at first. But every day, with Whitney, I was able to feel a little bit better than the day before."

Moving On

Recovering from a breakup can mean a lot of different things, but the goal should always be to move on healthily and productively and find ways to express happiness - whatever that means for you. Hopefully, this article has helped you sort out some of those confusing feelings and has given you some ideas for where to go next. When in doubt, reach out to a professional. Progress is possible.

betterhelp.com - Do Exes Come Back Or Is It Just Wishful Thinking? - BetterHelp

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