Infatuation Rules
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What are the 7 Principles of a happy marriage?

Here's brief summary of the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work: Enhance your love maps. ... Nurture fondness and admiration. ... Turn toward each other (rather than against or away). ... Let you partner influence you. ... Solve your solvable problems. ... Overcome gridlock. ... Create shared meaning.

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The stay-at-home order provides a test for how well your marriage is working. If you’re feeling good about your spouse right now, congratulations! You’ve learned how to be happy in a relationship, even in distressing times. However, if you and your partner are struggling, it’s time to learn how happy marriages work. There’s a classic book — a bible really — that offers the best relationship research ever conducted. The “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” was written by the renowned psychologist John Gottman. It reveals the results of decades of studies. Gottman found that adhering to the 7 Principles predicts with over 90% accuracy whether a marriage will succeed or fail.

Consider some of the key findings from Gottman’s research:

It’s a myth that marriages fail due to poor communication and conflict resolution skills, affairs, or different interests and personalities. The foundation of a happy marriage is a strong friendship, which creates an abundance of positive emotions that reduce the risk of conflicts spiraling out of control. The prime predictor of failure is when at least one partner routinely becomes flooded with negative emotions arising from harsh interactions involving criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Here’s brief summary of the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work:

Enhance your love maps. Since true love centers around being great friends, the first skill that’s required is a deep understanding of what’s important to your partner. Storing all of the details about the activities and relationships in which your loved one is involved creates a map in your mind of what’s going on in their world. This intimate understanding enables you to know what they’re thinking and feeling. Daily updates to love maps keep couples connected because they each understand what their spouse is experiencing. If something bad has happened, showing empathy makes them feel cared for. Good events become a cause for mini-celebrations, which is the best way to strengthen feelings of friendship. Nurture fondness and admiration. Showing respect and appreciation of one another’s good qualities is essential for maintaining a positive view of each other. Happy couples can and do easily recall why they fell in love with each other, which continually fosters feelings of fondness and admiration. If these feelings cannot be brought to mind, the marriage will almost certainly fail. Turn toward each other (rather than against or away). Happy couples develop the habit of turning toward each other in their daily interactions in order to inject acts of kindness. Rather than relying on occasional romantic getaways of expensive gifts, they pay attention to each other every day by doing things for and with each other. Examples include phone calls to check-in and listening to each other’s stories. These small acts build a couple’s emotional bank account, which mitigates turning against or away from one another during times of conflict.

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Let you partner influence you. The happiest and most stable marriages are those in which partners listen to and respect each other’s point of view when disagreements arise. Carefully considering each other’s perspective allows partners to find compromises that provide each person some degree of satisfaction. Over 80% of marriages fail if one partner (most often the man) refuses to be influenced. Solve your solvable problems. Happily married couples bring up issues using a soft tone. They recognize when they or their partner have become emotionally flooded, and they offer themselves and their spouse soothing messages. When the conversation devolves into criticism or takes a harsh tone, they make and accept attempts to repair the relationship by apologizing or asking to take a 20-minute break until they can each discuss the issue calmly. During that time they take deep breaths to calm themselves so they can recall their partner’s positive attributes (rather than focus on their faults). Only then do they return to seeking a win-win solution. Overcome gridlock. Perpetual problems keep arising because one or both partners have unfulfilled dreams. Happy couples understand the importance of helping each partner realize their dreams. They keep talking until they discover the deep desires that were forged during difficult times, enabling them to finally be met. Create shared meaning. Marriage is about more than raising kids and splitting up chores. Over the years happily-married couples create a positive family culture based on roles, traditions, memories, and a spiritual connection. The healthiest and happiest relationships develop a unique identity that defines what’s special about being a part of their family.

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