What are flying monkeys in a narcissistic relationship?

Generally speaking, narcissists use flying monkeys to manipulate others into reconciling with them, to invalidate, devalue, and degrade others, to support their twisted perception of reality, and to push past any boundaries that others may have set to protect themselves.

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There are many different ways that a narcissist will use flying monkeys to manipulate you. As a general rule, narcissists use flying monkeys to gaslight, keep tabs on, invalidate, discredit, and isolate the people that they abuse. It is also very common for narcissists to use flying monkeys to get narcissistic supply when their main sources of supply are no longer available. This article is going to guide you through the different ways that narcissists use flying monkeys to their advantage. Recommended Video: How to Protect Yourself From Flying Monkeys by Karina Ramdath (Registered Social Worker and Therapist) For the best experience, please rotate your mobile device sideways.

They Use Flying Monkeys to Gaslight the People That They Abuse

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that narcissists use to get you to question your own sanity, memories, and perception of reality. It occurs when a narcissist says or does something that doubts or denies your reality.

It is common for narcissists to use flying monkeys to gaslight you.

However, before we dive into that, there is something important that you need to understand first.

Gaslighting is much more than just lies and deceptive wording.

What makes gaslighting, gaslighting, is the environment that narcissists create.

You see, there are typically dozens of other manipulation tactics that narcissists use while they are gaslighting you. Let’s take a closer look at this by going through an example of a narcissist using flying monkeys to gaslight you. Imagine that you are having dinner with the narcissist in your life and some mutual friends that the two of you share.

During dinner, the narcissist purposely says something passive-aggressive to make you upset.

You try to hold them accountable for their actions but they respond by saying, “Can you stop being so dramatic? John, is your wife this sensitive all of the time?” John, who happens to be one of the narcissist’s flying monkeys, responds with, “Absolutely not. (Your name), I think you need to relax. (The narcissist’s name) was just making a joke. Don’t be annoying.”

There were three manipulation tactics in this gaslighting scenario.

The first tactic that was used was baiting.

Baiting is when a narcissist says or does something manipulative to create a confrontation with you (the narcissist’s passive-aggressive comment).

The second tactic was gaslighting.

Gaslighting is when someone says or does something that doubts or denies your reality (the narcissist calling you dramatic and sensitive).

The third tactic was triangulation.

Triangulation is when someone turns a one-on-one situation into a two-on-one situation by involving a third party (the narcissist asking your friend if their partner was sensitive all the time).

Do you see the manipulative environment that the narcissist has created here?

Well, over time, being inside this environment and having these types of interactions with the narcissist and their flying monkeys can manipulate you into questioning your sanity, memories, and perception of reality.

They Use Them to Keep Tabs on the People That They Abuse

The phrase “keep tabs” means to carefully watch (someone or something) in order to learn what that person or thing is doing. As a general rule, narcissists keep tabs on the people that they abuse because of their sense of entitlement. You see, narcissist’s feel entitled to maintaining power and control over you for as long as they see fit. By keeping tabs on you, they are able to gather the information that they need to maintain power and control over you. It is for this reason that it is so common for narcissists to use flying monkeys to keep tabs on the people that they abuse. One of the most common ways that this is done is by sending a flying monkey to pretend to be your friend.

That’s right, narcissists will have flying monkeys pretend to be your friend.

This “friend” of yours will get you to share as much information as possible with them and then they will bring it back to the narcissist. Now, a common mistake that some people make when they find out that the narcissist is keeping tabs on them is assuming that it is because the narcissist misses or cares about them.

Unfortunately, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Narcissists don’t care about your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or needs.

They are only keeping tabs on you so that they can get the information that they need to maintain power and control over you. A narcissist’s willingness to use flying monkeys to keep tabs on you should always serve as a constant reminder of how unhealthy and abusive they really are.

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Recommended Article: Our article “Why Do Narcissists Keep Tabs On You?“ has a ton of helpful information that you can use to grasp a better understanding of a narcissist’s tendency to keep tabs on the people that they abuse. Recommended Video: How to Spot a Flying Monkey by Angela Avery (Licensed Professional Counselor) For the best experience, please rotate your mobile device sideways.

They Use Them to Invalidate the People That They Abuse

When someone denies, rejects, or dismisses your feelings, it is called invalidation.

Narcissists invalidate the feelings of the people that they abuse on a daily basis and one of the ways that they do this is through flying monkeys. For example, imagine that you are meeting someone who you think is a friend but is really a flying monkey. One thing leads to another and the two of you end up talking about the narcissist in your life. You open up to them by saying, “Things are really hard right now because (the narcissist’s name) is being really abusive. I…I don’t know what to do anymore.” They respond by saying, “I can’t believe after everything that they have done for you, you still want to keep this smear campaign up. Things aren’t ‘hard’, they just aren’t letting you bully them anymore. Be grateful, I would have left you a long time ago.”

This is invalidation.

The lies that the narcissist has told the person that you thought was your friend has manipulated them into believing that you are the abuser and that the narcissist is simply a victim of your abusive behavior. Over time, being in an environment where you are constantly invalidated can manipulate you into invalidating your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions as well. If left unchecked, this dynamic could keep you trapped within the narcissistic abuse cycle for months, years, or even decades. Recommended Article: Being invalidated by a flying monkey can make you question if they will ever see the truth. Our article “Do Flying Monkeys Ever See the Truth?“ has a lot of helpful information about this.

They Use Them to Discredit the People That They Abuse

When a narcissist says or does something that causes you to lose other people’s respect or trust, they are discrediting you. It is common for narcissists to use flying monkeys to try to discredit you. They typically do this by spreading lies about you in the hopes that their flying monkeys will regurgitate the same lies to others. The reason a narcissist would want to use flying monkeys to discredit you is because they are trying to protect themselves. You see, it is very common for the people that narcissists abuse to be the only ones who know just how abusive and manipulative the narcissist really is. Everyone else only sees the narcissist’s public persona which often portrays them as charming, charismatic, confident, and articulate. In order for a narcissist to feel emotionally stable, they need to maintain a positive public persona so that they can get a consistent flow of narcissistic supply. When a narcissist senses that they’re losing control over you, they will try to discredit you as quickly as possible so that you can’t expose them to others. Flying monkeys are just one of the many manipulation tactics that narcissists use to do this.

They Use Them to Isolate the People That They Abuse

One of the main purposes of a flying monkey is to isolate the person being abused by the narcissist from their support system. A support system is a network of people that can provide you with practical or emotional support. One of the most common ways that narcissists do this is by spreading lies and gossip about you to your support system. Unfortunately, narcissists are often very successful at this because of the negative impact that narcissistic abuse has on your health. You see, narcissists are very good at abusing and simultaneously maintaining a positive public persona. Because of this, it is common for your support system to notice that your health is getting worse and worse but not understand why. This is a problem because once the charming, charismatic, confident, and articulate narcissist comes along and tells them lies about you, they don’t have much of a choice but to believe it. So, instead of supporting you when you turn to them for help, they automatically assume that you are to blame for your own pain.

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Of course, this doesn’t happen with everyone. Sometimes people are able to spot the narcissist’s lies. But when it does happen, it is extremely isolating for the person being abused.

Here’s an example of this (see below).

A Quote From One of Our Community Members “He went behind my back and told my friends and family that I was diagnosed bipolar and that I was drinking too much. So every time I tried to reach out for help, people would avoid me because they believed him. The problem was that at the time my mental health was atrocious. I WAS drinking more, because I felt so trapped. Nothing I did made it better, and truly felt there was no way out. I was suicidal and it showed. I did not take care of myself. At times I couldn’t eat or sleep. So I would either cry myself to sleep every night or drink until I passed out. ” – Brie Robertson Brie Robertson during the narcissistic abuse cycle Brie Robertson after the narcissistic abuse cycle Recommended Article: Our article “How Do Narcissists Get Flying Monkeys?“ has a ton of information about the different ways that narcissists get flying monkeys that you may find helpful.

They Use Them to Get More Narcissistic Supply

Narcissistic supply is the validation, admiration, reassurance, power, and control that narcissists receive from their external environment. Narcissists use this supply to manage their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions so that they can feel emotionally stable. The biggest sources of narcissistic supply that narcissists have access to are the people that they abuse. When the person that they are abusing stops providing them with a consistent flow of narcissistic supply, narcissists often use flying monkeys to get more narcissistic supply.

How?

Well, as you now know, narcissists use flying monkeys to maintain power and control over the person that they are abusing. This alone gives them a significant amount of narcissistic supply, but it is only two out of the five elements that make up narcissistic supply. One of the most common ways that narcissists get the remaining three elements (validation, admiration, and reassurance) is through self-victimization.

Self-victimization means casting oneself in the role of the victim.

A narcissist can do this with their flying monkeys by pretending to be deeply affected by the “abusive” behavior that the person they are abusing is subjecting them to.

It is utterly absurd and ridiculous, but it often works.

When a narcissist victimizes themselves in front of their flying monkeys, they often get narcissistic supply in the form of comments such as the following:

“You are such a good person for trying to help them.”

“They clearly don’t see how great you are.”

“You deserve so much more than what they’re giving you.”

“You are an amazing person and I think they are threatened by that.”

“They are so lucky to have you in their life.”

Recommended Article: Our article “Why Do Narcissists Go Into a Depression?“ has more helpful information about a narcissist’s tendency to victimize themselves to get narcissistic supply. All of the content that Unfilteredd creates is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care — please visit here for qualified organizations and here for qualified professionals that you can reach out to for help. Get a Free Educational Bundle Every Week! 1 Educational Video From a Mental Health Professional

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Get a Free Educational Bundle Every Week! 1 Educational Video From a Mental Health Professional

1 Informative PDF About Narcissistic Abuse

1 Journaling Exercise With Multiple Prompts

7 Affirmations for the Upcoming Week

Lifetime Access to Our Private Online Community

All of the content that Unfilteredd creates is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care — please visit here for qualified organizations and here for qualified professionals that you can reach out to for help.

References:

Vaknin S (2021) Department of Psychology, Southern Federal University, Geneva, Switzerland. Ann of Behave Sci Vol.7 No.1: 01.

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