What are 10 signs of gaslighting?

Gaslighting – 10 Warning Signs and What You can Do to Help... Lies. ... Making You Question What was Said. ... Trivialising Your Feelings. ... The Feeling of Being Worn Down. ... Actions Over Words. ... Positive Reinforcement. ... Confusion. ... Projection. More items...

seasanctuary.org.uk - Gaslighting – 10 Warning Signs And What You Can Do To Help Yourself

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Simply put, gaslighting is a way of manipulating someone to gain power. And it can sadly be very effective. Although there are many, we’re here to discuss some of the warning signs, and highlight how these actions can impact your mental health. For a general overview of gaslighting, you can click here.

1. Lies

You might know for a fact you’re being told a lie, and still the person gaslighting will be blatant about it. This is designed to throw you off, and make you question your reality. You might often find these increase as time goes on.

2. Making You Question What was Said

You might feel certain that you heard something—but often someone who’s gaslighting you will make you feel like you’re in the wrong by denying ever saying such a thing. This tactic can challenge your memory, and the victim may be accused of being wrong. Phrases such as ‘I don’t remember, you’ve got that wrong,’ or ‘No, that’s not how it happened,’ may be used. They may also use a tactic like distortion, which is where they distort older memories or facts—these don’t even have to be relevant to what you’re talking about, but they’ll usually add to the confusion.

3. Trivialising Your Feelings

You might say something and be met with a smirk or a laugh—they might accuse you of being too sensitive, and make you or your feelings seem or feel insignificant. ‘When you’re black and blue, you can point to the bruises and you can say “This happened to me.” But when somebody is undermining your reality and you simply have this feeling that there’s something wrong… Women moreso than men, but men too, tend to point their fingers at themselves and say, “I did something wrong.”’ – Dr. Robin Stern – Associate Director of the Yale Centre of Emotional Intelligence

4. The Feeling of Being Worn Down

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Gaslighting doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time. It’s an accumulation of lies and negative comments that create an environment where you’re anxious and end up questioning yourself

5. Actions Over Words

Watch a person’s actions; with gaslighters, it’s often the case their actions and words tell two very different stories. Anyone can say anything, words can mean nothing, what they’re doing is the important aspect.

6. Positive Reinforcement

It may sound counterproductive, but people who gaslight often throw in positive reinforcement, amongst the negativity. When you hear it, it might make you reconsider if the gaslighter is actually as bad as you thought, and it makes you uneasy, and once again, question what you thought you knew. It can be a good idea to keep an eye on whatever it was that you were apparently given positive reinforcement for; did it benefit the gaslighter?

7. Confusion

The person gaslighting understands that confusion creates weakness, and so the whole point is to remove your stability. It’s not uncommon, for a victim to look for reassurance and stability from someone they feel close to, or crave approval from—which is often the gaslighter.

8. Projection

Don’t be surprised if the gaslighter accuses you of something they do themselves. It might be cheating, substance abuse, or something else entirely. It often results in you feeling the need to defend yourself—drawing attention away from the gaslighter’s actions.

9. Turning People

You might find that the gaslighter is attempting to turn people against you—or at least make you think they have. Usually, they’re master manipulators—manipulation tactics are sometimes used in sales, advertising, and politics too. Sometimes a gaslighter will tell you things that they want you to believe another person is thinking. Such as ‘This person thinks this about you,’. It’s important to remind yourself that this is often not the case, the gaslighter is lying to you—something they’re likely to do frequently. It’s another bid to make you unsteady and not know who you can trust. Alternatively, they may attempt to tell other people that you’re unstable or a liar, as another way of making you question your reality.

10. Changing Your Environment

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They might begin to change your surroundings in a range of ways. It might be that some of your valued items are inexplicably damaged, or some of your favourite things disappear altogether. Things may appear to be missing for a while, and then magically reappear where you thought they were all along.

How can You Help Yourself?

Often the first step is to educate yourself so you can be clear that this is what you’re dealing with. There are plenty of articles online for further reading about gaslighting, or you may want to watch the film, Gaslight or Mama Dearest. Write things down when a situation or a comment has felt manipulative so you can refer back if you’re unsure, and when talking to the gaslighter, remember to stay alert to their tactics and any emotional triggers they may use. Spend some time to decide whether you can save the relationship, providing the person stops gaslighting, or if you even want to. Speak to yourself positively, and be kind to yourself—even when it’s hard. Sometimes when we have someone speaking negatively to us a lot, it can become hard to think positively about ourselves, so practise being kind to yourself as much as you can. Reach out for help and support if you need to, whether that be from a mental health professional, help line, or family member.

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seasanctuary.org.uk - Gaslighting – 10 Warning Signs And What You Can Do To Help Yourself

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