Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: cottonbro studio
Elementary school age (6–12) This is arguably the toughest age for children to deal with the separation or divorce of their parents.
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Read More »Share on Pinterest Studio Firma/Stocksy United Divorce is hard on everyone. Whether you’re 32 years old or just 2, whether you’re one-half of the once happily married couple or the product of that happy union, divorce isn’t something you typically expect or plan for. And yet, hundreds of thousands of couples split each year in the United States. And if you have kids, their well-being is probably one of your primary concerns. Is there a particular age at which divorce is most traumatic for children? Should you try to make it work “for the kids” until they’re old enough to understand? The short answer is that divorce affects children of all ages. It’s probably hardest on elementary-age kids, for reasons we’ll outline below. But if you and your partner have determined that it’s not going to work out, it may be best to go your separate ways knowing that kids are resilient and there are strategies you can use to ease the associated (difficult) emotions. Under age 3 “Don’t worry. They won’t remember it.” There’s a popular misconception that memory starts at 3. However, researchers have found that memory likely starts earlier, but until we’re older, it’s more like a video that’s constantly being recorded over. In one eye-opening 2011 study , children as young as 4 were asked to recall their earliest three memories. They were then asked 2 years later to do the same and were also asked about the initial memories they’d brought up in the first interview. Researchers found that children could remember things from quite early in their lives, but these memories weren’t retained in the youngest ones. Instead, in the second interview, they would recall memories from months later and might even deny experiencing what they brought up in the initial interview. In other words, your 3-year-old may indeed remember Mom and Dad fighting when they were 2. It might make them upset to recall such incidents. But by the time they’re a little older, they may have no recollection of these fights. Does that mean babies and toddlers aren’t affected by divorce? Unfortunately, no. Trauma that happens before we reach preschool age can definitely leave its mark. Babies or toddlers who have lived for months or years with two loving and attentive parents may react to divorce by: becoming more fussy or inconsolable when one parent is suddenly no longer around becoming more clingy or insecure around the parent they live with or around new people missing developmental milestones or regressing to former ones (e.g., a 3-year-old who hasn’t used a pacifier in a year may return to it) And memory aside, because these early years are so formative, these issues can cause later problems. But there are ways to ease the effects on your baby or toddler. For example, you should set and maintain a consistent routine as much as is possible. It’s well established that this age thrives on routine, so if your little one lives with Parent 1 and sees Parent 2 every weekend, try to keep that up with as little disruption as possible. If you had certain routines before the divorce, talk with your partner (if you can) about keeping up these routines in both households. Sometimes the divorce gets ugly or results in one parent essentially exiting the child’s life. But know that creating a loving, secure, and supportive environment where your child is exposed to new people and new situations in emotionally safe ways will go a long way. It may be tough for a while. But this is a very adaptable age. Preschool (3–5) Between the ages of 3 and 5, children are developing more of an understanding of the abstract. They’re asking lots of questions and figuring out how they fit into the world around them. That doesn’t mean they understand the concept of divorce. In fact, they’re likely relying heavily on the security and stability of their parents’ presence as they branch out into new and unknown experiences and feelings. But if the parents are fighting, children this age may feel strongly that their world is being rocked in scary ways. A sense that all isn’t OK with their parents may lead your child to react with crying, fear, and innocent insistence that you just stop fighting and go back to the “way you were.” Preschoolers may also feel that things are their fault. They may have trouble sleeping or want more control. They’re likely dealing with so many emotions that they really don’t know how to sort. Things may actually improve after the divorce itself, when stability returns to the home(s). The trauma of the events before the divorce can leave lasting memories and confusing emotions. But once a routine is established, your little one can start to feel in control again — even if all they talk about for a while is you and their other parent getting back together. To ease the negative impact at this age, try to keep things with your child’s other parent as civil as possible, at least in the presence of your child. Keep loud fighting to a minimum, and avoid bad-mouthing each other and making your little one feel like they have to choose sides. (There may indeed be a more “at fault” parent, but your preschooler doesn’t need to know that right now.) According to research , mediation may also prove helpful when it comes to divorce and co-parenting your preschooler.
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