Infatuation Rules
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What 3 things make relationships better?

All healthy relationships share the following three core components: Mutual respect. Mutual trust. Mutual affection.

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How to Regain the Components of a Healthy Relationship

Every relationship, at some point, is bound to run into problems with one or more of these core components. Two different types of things tend to happen when there is a breakdown: either a) one or both people change or b) mistakes are made.

If One or Both People Change…

And I don’t mean they change their hairstyle or what they eat for breakfast. I mean real-deal, identity-level changes. Maybe your partner finds religion and decides to devote a lot of their time to the church/temple/mosque. If you’re not religious, this will certainly create tension in the relationship. Maybe you decide that the world is going to hell and you’re going to devote all of your time to preparing for doomsday by building a bunker in the backyard and stockpiling guns and food. If your partner isn’t prone to this lifestyle, they’ll understandably start to question being with you. Identity-level changes like these tend to make people lose respect for the other person. Something you admired about them is either gone, not very important to them anymore, or replaced with something you don’t respect as much as they do. This creates a vacuum of respect in the relationship. I’ll be blunt: it’s very hard to overcome these sorts of issues in the relationship. But if you’re willing to work with them and their new identity, you’re going to have to find new sources of respect in the relationship. If they’ve turned religious and you used to admire their secular, humanistic worldview, you might find a way to still respect their compassion for others.

If they decided to go full-blown, hippie-dippie, tree-hugging vegan and you just love to eat meat and drive a gas-guzzling monster truck to get groceries, well—I don’t know what the fuck you two are doing together, but maybe you can respect their recycling habit?

The point is that any respect that was lost in the transformation of one person must be made up in some way or another.

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If Someone Made a Mistake…

No one is perfect. I know that’s obvious, but it bears repeating because sometimes our standards for others are just not reasonable. At any rate, when legitimate mistakes are made, trust in the relationship is violated. Whatever mistake was made, a few things need to happen for the relationship to be fully restored: Give it some time. The sting of the mistake just naturally wears off with time. If you fucked up, give the other person some space to process the situation. If they fucked up, tell them you need a little time to think it over. Make sure it’s a one-time mistake. Acknowledging your mistake is one thing, but being responsible and accountable for it by committing to not doing it again shows the other person you’re serious about the relationship. Repeat offenders—when it’s something that truly threatens the relationship—should be avoided at all costs. The other person must be open to forgiveness (eventually). Even if some time has passed and the person who made the mistake has given an honest, true effort to never do it again, it doesn’t mean that the “victim” must be willing to forgive them. Now, mistakes vary in degree and severity and, therefore, vary in how easily they’re overcome. Minor mistakes—like snide comments made at the wrong time or forgetting to run an errand for the other person—usually take very little time to get over, they’re easily avoided in the future, and easily forgiven by the other person. Bigger mistakes will take a lot more work on both ends of the relationship. You’ll have to ask yourself if it’s truly worth it (and be brutally honest in your answer).

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