Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Amina Filkins
Key points. It's essential to be physically present for a breakup to show that the relationship was important. Being specific during a breakup shows a partner respect by providing them closure. It's best to break up with a partner in their home so they don't have to deal with traveling in a high emotional state.
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Read More »When a relationship ends, everybody hurts. Most conspicuously, the partner who’s been broken up with experiences the sudden shock and loss of the end of the relationship. But the one doing the breaking up isn’t immune to pain, either. There’s a great deal of advice on the Internet about how to survive a bad breakup, but comparatively little about how to end a relationship as gently as possible. It may be impossible to get through a breakup without hurting your partner, but there are a few clear choices you can make to mitigate this pain. First, when contemplating a breakup, one needs to recognize that an effective end to the relationship is not the only thing at stake. If you’ve spent enough time in the company of another person — if you’ve shared feelings and physical or emotional intimacy — you’ll need to consolidate positive memories of the relationship as you move forward with your life. You’ll want to accept the reasons the relationship didn’t work while retaining the ability to look back on it with warmth. The person you’re breaking up with deserves the same, and will need to experience the breakup in a way that doesn’t overwhelm their good memories. Your goal, in breaking up with him or her as gently as possible, is to acknowledge the parts of the relationship that were good and validate those experiences: It wouldn’t be fair to cast a pall over those memories by ending the relationship in a hurtful way or by “ghosting” a partner. So although everyone gets hurt when a relationship dies, your intention in taking steps to end it should be to minimize the damage caused by the crash. In planning to break up with someone, you’ll go through a fair amount of distress yourself. Depending on how long you've anticipated the breakup, you’ll likely experience some form of anxiety or dread as you look ahead to taking unpleasant steps. You may not feel supported by friends or family as you carry out the breakup, either: Typically, the dump-ee retains the sympathy of the social group, while the person ending the relationship is seen as needing less support. You can expect to feel guilt in the period leading up to the breakup and afterward. It’s common to find yourself wishing you could end the relationship without causing pain, even if you know that’s not possible. Lastly, you will probably go through your own (very necessary) feelings of grief over the end of the relationship, and it can be difficult to process this sense of loss while simultaneously blaming yourself. When all is said and done, though, when you need to break up, there are certain guidelines to follow to minimize pain on both sides. Some may seem as if they’ll make a difficult situation even harder, but in the end, if you do what’s recommended here, and avoid what’s discouraged, you and your ex may be able to look back on the breakup with dignity, resolve, and clarity.
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Read More »4. Don’t try to downshift the romance to friendship. It may feel like a way to cushion the blow, but it actually causes uncertainty and runs the risk of generating more hurt feelings. The goal is to allow your partner to look back on the relationship as a good thing, not to change it into something less well-defined. 5. Don’t devalue the other person. You’ve been important to each other, so try to show your partner your appreciation for his or her good qualities. 6. Don’t try to make the other person feel better, even as you’re breaking up. You can’t be a part of your ex’s support network after the relationship is over. 7. Don’t have breakup sex. It will only confuse the issue for both of you. If you can look at your upcoming breakup from your partner’s point of view, you may be able to separate yourself from the grief, loss, and worry you’re feeling well enough to think through what you should and should not say. By following these guidelines, you stand a good chance of putting a clear and respectful end to a relationship in a way that will allow each of you, someday, to look back with appreciation for the time you spent together.
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