Infatuation Rules
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Is sexting cheating if you are in a relationship?

Sexting can certainly be considered a form of cheating, as it typically betrays the trust and intimacy within a committed relationship. It's normal to feel sad, angry, or lonely after being betrayed. It's also normal to feel as though you can't trust your partner, or fear that sexting is just the tip of the iceberg.

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What Do I Do If My Partner Is Sexting Someone Else?

If you discover that your partner is sexting someone else, you may feel sadness, confusion, loneliness, and anger. You might even feel a sense of vengeance and desire to hurt your partner as much as they hurt you. However, it can be detrimental to act purely on these emotions, so it is important that you take advantage of your resources and tools–whether you choose to stay in the relationship or part ways.

Here are six important steps to take after a sexting affair:

1. Have a Structured Conversation

Often with infidelity comes a lack of communication in relationships, which can further separate you from your partner. Healthy communication can enhance your romantic relationship, but it requires transparency and assertiveness. Structured conversations are intentional discussions designed to support each other’s needs and work through specific conflicts. Your structured conversation should include sitting down together and actively discussing the sexting issue. You can write down how you want the conversation to go, plan to make sure neither of you is distracted or acutely stressed, and stick to the topic. Your goal should be to end the discussion with actionable, stated next steps for your relationship.

2. Rebuild Trust

Although it can take time, you will need to rebuild trust if you want to stay in the relationship. Trust requires dedicated commitment. Both of you should review your current relationship boundaries and discuss what needs to change. Designate a specific time to discuss the betrayal, but do not harp on the issue at all times of the day, as it can prevent you from rebuilding trust.

3. Seek Support

Regardless of how you choose to proceed, it’s helpful to have support during this time. Loved ones can provide compassion and a listening ear. They may also be able to offer practical guidance to help you cope. However, you should be mindful of sharing your feelings with mutual friends–ideally, you don’t want to force people to pick sides. There may also be support groups available for people coping with infidelity and betrayal trauma.

4. Revisit Privacy Rules

As part of rebuilding trust, you two may need to redefine permissible behaviors in your relationship. For example, can you ask to look through their phone or laptop at any time? Should they disclose when they’re talking to someone of the opposite sex? No digital rules are entirely off-limits, but you both should discuss and come to reasonable terms with them.5

5. Ensure They End Things

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Ask your partner to avoid any further contact with the other person. You can request they delete their number and block or unfollow them on social media. You may even ask to watch them as they do it. If your partner refuses–or becomes defensive–it may represent a more significant relationship problem.

6. Practice Self-Care

Self-care is so important when you feel vulnerable, sad, or angry. It’s important to honor your needs and try to cope with your stress; doing so can help you feel better. Self-care can mean engaging in enjoyable activities, but it also means asking for help, practicing gratitude, staying mindful, and allowing yourself to relax and rest.

When To Consider Professional Help

Therapy can provide reassurance, guidance, and practical tools for recovering from sexting or other types of infidelity. Individual therapy offers a safe place to explore your feelings and can be profoundly beneficial if you feel ambivalent about your relationship or your partner in general. Marriage and couples therapy can also be valuable during this time. Marriage counseling can help couples restore and improve their relationship satisfaction after infidelity. Keep in mind that you can participate in both individual and couples therapy simultaneously, which might provide additional benefits as you work through your individual trauma. The cost of services varies based on your location and type of treatment. Look for a provider experienced in relationship issues–you may need to consult with several therapists before finding the right fit. You can find a therapist by asking your network of friends and family or searching an online directory.

Final Thoughts

Sexting can certainly be considered a form of cheating, as it typically betrays the trust and intimacy within a committed relationship. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, or lonely after being betrayed. It’s also normal to feel as though you can’t trust your partner, or fear that sexting is just the tip of the iceberg. A sexting affair can impact your individual mental health and your relationship dynamics. If your partner is sexting someone else, make sure you address the situation and take care of yourself. While your relationship is important, your own needs matter just as much.

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