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Is playing narcissism a victim?

Why Do Narcissistic Personalities Play the Victim? Narcissists may play the victim if they believe they gain something from making you feel guilty. Their tendency to use manipulation tactics is one of the formal symptoms of narcissistic personality.

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If someone in your life has a pattern of playing the victim, it may feel confusing and frustrating. You’re not alone and there are ways you can cope. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complex mental health condition, often linked with a “victim mentality.” While it’s possible for a person with NPD to do this consciously to manipulate others, it often goes deeper than that. Someone may firmly believe that they’re the victim and operate from that place, even when the evidence suggests otherwise. With a few expert-backed strategies, it’s possible to navigate this difficult terrain. Why do people with NPD like to play the victim? In part, it’s how people with narcissistic patterns view interpersonal interactions. Research from 2018 suggests that a sense of victimhood or entitlement is a common trait of NPD. Narcissistic defenses (like all defenses) operate unconsciously, says Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist based in Los Angeles and author of two books on narcissism. A 2020 study suggests that people who live with NPD often carry a sense of victimhood. “Victimhood is a form of blame-shifting,” Durvasula says. “It allows the ego to remain intact, to blame the world, and in some cases to get validation perhaps from other aggrieved people, or people who want to rescue them.” Possible motivations It may be helpful to think of the “victim card” as a defense mechanism to help someone get their needs met. A victim stance can help someone: acquire resources

confuse who is at fault

garner sympathy from others

maintain a sense of control

prevent someone from leaving

Examples of ways narcissists play the victim There are many ways that victimhood can play out in relationships. Entitlement One of the symptoms of NPD is a belief that someone is superior to others and should be given different or special treatment. In victim mode, says Durvasula, this can sound like, “The reason things haven’t worked out for me is that I wasn’t born with a trust fund, everyone else has connections, and I have to make things work on my own.” DARVO The DARVO strategy can muddle the details of an interaction. It works like this: D: deny the behavior

deny the behavior A: attack you

attack you R: reverse

reverse V: victim and

victim and O: offender For example, a spouse may deny that kissing counts as cheating (D), feel hurt by your unwarranted jealousy (A), and insist that you apologize (RVO). Projection When faced with difficulties, some people project their emotions onto others. For example, a spouse may accuse you of wanting to leave when they’re actually the one thinking of leaving. Seeing their distress, you may find yourself apologizing and making amends, believing you are somehow in the wrong. Gaslighting Someone with NPD may deny or minimize behaviors, leaving you questioning your sense of reality. This is known as gaslighting. This could sound like: “It’s your fault I did this.”

“You’re the one who started it.”

“I didn’t do it. What’s wrong with you?”

“You knew this when you married me.” Smear campaign To preserve their reputation and gain sympathy from others, someone may talk badly about you or accuse you of things you didn’t do. For example, a boss may insist that they came up with a concept first and that you’re trying to steal their idea.

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