Infatuation Rules
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Is online love real?

People who fall in love online are sometimes able to translate that into real life. But more often than not, online lovers never meet. Or worse, they do meet, and either the chemistry isn't there or the person doesn't seem the same. That's what happened to Chioma Nnadi, who told her story in Vogue.

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Is Online Love Real Love?

The pandemic has made online relationships even more prevalent. But are those feelings of love real?

Back in 2000, Johanna Champion and Tristan Cooper were introduced to each other in an online gaming forum. They were both fourteen-years-old, and quickly became friends. They chatted away on the forum, AOL Messenger, then the phone, then on social media. “It sort of became like a habit,” Cooper said to the Statesman Journal. “We’d come home and talk about our day, what we did, joke a bit, but it was more than that and it continued to grow. There was a kind of magnetism and attraction there.” For nine years, their relationship remained online. It kept going through high school, college, jobs, and real-life boyfriends and girlfriends. Finally, they met over a long weekend in Seattle that ended in a kiss they had both been anticipating for years. People who fall in love online are sometimes able to translate that into real life. But more often than not, online lovers never meet. Or worse, they do meet, and either the chemistry isn’t there or the person doesn’t seem the same. That’s what happened to Chioma Nnadi, who told her story in Vogue. She was introduced to Troy by a friend, but they never met because Troy was on the road as a musician. They texted in the beginning and quickly had a good banter sharing music and funny videos. Their first date was on FaceTime, and Chioma was horribly nervous, but Troy had a geekiness she didn’t expect, which put her at ease. And he seemed to blush whenever they locked eyes. By the end of it, she was giddy. For the next three months, they texted and video chatted every day until her feelings blossomed into what she could only describe as love. But then they met in person in New York. At first, it seemed magical. They went to his show that night before going to LA where he lived. As soon as they got there, though, he seemed different. He was agitated and impatient. He was disgusted by her Birkenstocks. Every time Chioma tried to initiate something, he dismissed her and said he was making music. The final straw came one day when she found him hunkered over a computer screen talking to another girl.

Chioma’s story illustrates a critical question to online romances. If you don’t meet in-person, how do you know your love is really real? Are there sides to this person you would never notice unless in real life?

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Diana Dorell, an intuitive dating coach, explained to journalist Tayi Sansusi at Elite Daily that “without real-life contact, you run the risk of developing strong feelings for the idea of someone, not the person themselves.” Dorell added, “Without being able to spend time with someone in person, in real life, it could be easier to fall in lust or fall in love with an idea of who they are instead who they actually are.” She said video chatting can make emotional connections stronger, but they still don’t tell the whole story. According to Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist, again in Elite Daily, “While using video to connect with someone definitely offers more intimacy than texting, emailing, or writing, there are still limitations to the senses we need to bond with someone. Not being able to touch or smell someone limits your sense of the other person.” Jackie Pilossoph, creator of Divorce Girl Smiling and relationship columnist at the Chicago Tribune, addressed the limitations of online romances on Huffpost. “There are a million little things that make us fall in love, and most of those aren’t present during an online situation,” she wrote. “On a real date, both people have the luxury of looking at everything. Hands, toes (if she’s wearing sandals), legs, arms, hair, smile, teeth, and most importantly (to me) eyes. And how can two people be in love when their lips have never touched?” Questions like that are even more important as more and more dating moves online, especially during the pandemic and into the future. During March of last year, Tinder hit its highest number of swipes in one day: 3 billion. And then went on to beat that record 130 more times since. Tinder even introduced video chat to meet demand. From March to May last year, OkCupid posted a 700% increase in dates. And on Bumble, video calls shot up 70%. Even though those big numbers have come down, the trend of meeting people online has not. Clare O’Connor of Bumble discussed a recent survey about this on KTNV Las Vegas. She said “91% say there is no longer any stigma at all attached to meeting someone online.” Even more surprising was that two out of three people said it was “possible to fall in love with someone they have never met in person.” At Hinge, another dating app, one-third were “open to being exclusive with someone they have only dated virtually,” about two-thirds felt a “growing connection” with someone they’d met only virtually, reported Raisa Bruner at Time Magazine.

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Online love is only going to increase. But is it really real? Chemically speaking, it is. Helen Fisher is a leading scientist on the biology of love. Romantic love activates the brain’s reward system that generates feelings of pleasure and motivation. It gives you a rush of dopamine. It also excites the brain systems connected to your sex drive and attachment. All those systems can get stirred up by someone online. But as we have seen, that’s not the whole picture. Meeting online is a great way to get to know someone and even to connect on a deeper level. Our feelings are a different matter, though. They are hard to control. Those butterflies and that giddiness you feel might seem real. Your brain and your body are telling you that. But until you hold someone’s face in your hands, and gaze into that special person’s eyes, and see what he or she is really like in the flesh, you won’t know without a doubt that it’s real love.

medium.datadriveninvestor.com - Is Online Love Real Love? - DataDrivenInvestor
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