Infatuation Rules
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Is online dating exhausting?

Research from Hinge also found a significant portion of its users (61%) were overwhelmed by the modern dating process, and an April 2022 US study showed four in five adults “experienced some degree of emotional fatigue or burnout from online dating”.

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Andy Hong feels like he keeps meeting the same woman online: a graduate from a small school in New England who likes to ski and play sports. The twenty-eight-year-old says he has nothing against this kind of woman, but he's not necessarily clicking with them, and knows there are all kinds of people out there with whom he could enjoy a romantic relationship. The repetition is wearing on him, but still the dating app Hinge keeps recommending people from the same mould. “They cater to a type, and they will feed you a type,” Boston-based Hong says of Hinge. The experience has left Hong with what he calls “decision fatigue” – something others refer to as “dating app burnout”. It’s a prevalent phenomenon in the app-based dating world. People grow tired of the endless scroll of potential dates available on the apps. Many users become frustrated with the time they spend swiping online, compared to the time they spend actually going on dates. “From a pure numbers perspective, of a hypothetical 10 people you match with, you'll probably have a solid conversation with seven or eight,” says Hong. “Of those seven to eight, you might net out at like one or two [in-person dates].” These days, however, single people are hard-pressed to not engage with the world of online dating – even though many know it’s hard work, and potentially disappointing. According to a 2019 study, online dating has become a much more likely way to meet a partner than a chance encounter. Yet it can take a toll: a recent survey from UK-based dating app Badoo showed more than three-quarters of singles felt burnt out by unrewarding interactions and inappropriate matches from platforms and apps. Research from Hinge also found a significant portion of its users (61%) were overwhelmed by the modern dating process, and an April 2022 US study showed four in five adults “experienced some degree of emotional fatigue or burnout from online dating”.

Still, people keep using dating apps to find potential partners. It seems that regardless of how bad the experience gets, these apps remain one of the easiest ways to meet people romantically in a world that’s moving increasingly online. If people are going to remain on these apps to find dates, are there ways to mitigate the grind?

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How to know if it's over?

What does real trouble look like? There's no emotional connection. ... Communication breakdown. ... Aggressive or confrontational communication. ... There's no appeal to physical intimacy. ... You don't trust them. ... Fantasising about others. ... You're not supporting each other and have different goals. ... You can't imagine a future together.

We’ve all experienced degrees of difficulty with someone we love. Occasional arguments are perfectly healthy, as is having different interests, and independent lives. There are certain myths about relationships and how they work that are rather glibly tossed around. For example, couples shouldn’t fight; that opposites attract; that it is critical to have common interests; that distance makes the heart grow fonder. Some couples believe that getting help for your relationship must mean you’re in deep trouble, as sex and love should ‘happen naturally’ and you shouldn’t have to work at it. However, when disagreements chip away at a couple’s underlying respect, it often results in a slow decline in the motivation to patch things up. While a sudden break up can feel a lot more shocking, it’s also much clearer — a defined moment of separation. A long disintegration, on the other hand, can leave a person feeling reeling, wondering at what point the ‘we’ became an ‘I’.

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