Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Amina Filkins
Love is a choice and a decision because your actions determine if it lives on or ends. You are in control of how you act in your relationships and how much you push past conflict and challenges. When you decide to work on communication, trust, intimacy, or emotional security, you're choosing love.
Trust often results from consistency. We tend to have the most trust in people who are there for us consistently through good times and bad....
Read More »Couples in long-term commitments often say that love is an ongoing choice. You decide every day how or if you cultivate love in your relationship. You can experience great love in many ways — romantically, platonically, companionable — but it’s rarely a force out of your control. At some point, love is a choice — and a lot of work! Why is love a choice? Love is a choice and a decision because your actions determine if it lives on or ends. You are in control of how you act in your relationships and how much you push past conflict and challenges. When you decide to work on communication, trust, intimacy, or emotional security, you’re choosing love. What about hormones? If love is driven in part by biology, it may seem like something beyond your control that will continue indefinitely. But, while hormones can sweep you up in the early days of love, Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Philadelphia, explains that lasting love requires conscious decision-making. Hormones may continue making you feel sexually attracted to your partner, for example, but that’s different than love. “As your relationship grows, your hormones will no longer be the driver of the feelings,” she says. “This means you need to be the driver of the feelings. You do this by actively choosing to be a loving partner.” It may feel easy to find love at first — your hormones are leading the way. Building love, which implies emotional intimacy, may take effort and action. If you feel you love your partner despite the absence of loving gestures and actions from them, you may be dealing with an anxious attachment style or a personality disorder, among others. Love is a verb Lasting love can’t rely on hormones to carry it forward. This means your actions — or lack thereof — directly contribute to the strength of love in a relationship. A new 2020 model of fundamental love suggests there are four components essential to building enduring relationships: attraction
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Read More »During this phase, the relationship is strongly tested by a crisis, major life change, or personal growth that may cause drifting apart. deep attachment: Relationships that have come through hard times successfully enter deep attachment and have a sense of understanding, acceptance, and respect, as well as emotional safety. When some talk about love being a choice, and not a feeling, they may be referring to the transition between the crisis phase and the deep attachment stage. 4 tips to choose love in your relationship It’s OK if you don’t know how to choose love at first. There are simple strategies you can immediately apply to show love is a choice — your choice. 1. Finding ways to show gratitude “The strongest tip to actively choose love is to choose to look at the gratitude in a relationship,” says Del Hierro. She recommends asking yourself, “What did my loved one do that helped me today?” Even small things, like making coffee, deserve a “thank you” or a hug, kiss, or reciprocating act. These could also be something simple like washing your mug so your partner doesn’t’ have to. Sometimes, just acknowledging the other person and saying “I see you. Thank you!” is enough. 2. Showing affection Del Hierro also recommends finding ways to express affection. Hugging, kissing, and touching are obvious go-tos, but they don’t come easily for everyone. Affection doesn’t have to be only physical, though. It can also be shown through thoughtfulness. Leaving out your partner’s favorite blanket on a cold day, or cleaning off their car before work in the winter, for example, can be expressions of affection. You’re going out of your way to do something kind for your partner because you’re choosing them. 3. Showing appreciation for who your partner is Loving the person, not the action can be an important aspect of love. This means you love your partner for who they are, not what they do for you or what they offer you in the moment. You can show appreciation for who your partner is through the simple act of complimenting or reaffirming what makes them special. If you notice they have a great work ethic, for example, you can tell them. 4. Taking care of yourself Earnshaw points out that taking care of yourself is also a way of actively choosing love. Taking care of yourself can show that you want to be the best version of yourself for yourself and your partner. Eating right, exercising, and focusing on health can be ways to show you’re looking forward to growing old together. 10 things that can make love die Because love is a choice, doing things that go against the tenets of love may damage your relationship. These love-damaging actions and attitudes may include things that challenge attraction, deep connection, trust, or respect. These are some signs that love isn’t a choice for you or your partner: ignoring or dismissing your partner’s needs and concerns not communicating emotionally abandoning your partner taking your partner for granted being critical and judgmental keeping secrets revealing things your partner has confided in you pushing someone to change the way they are to please your preferences belittling your partner in private or in front of others no longer demonstrating affection
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