Is it OK to flirt if you are married?

While flirting isn't technically a bad thing, when you're married, it could be considered inappropriate if it breaches relationship boundaries and/or it's viewed as hurtful by your partner. By recognizing inappropriate flirting, you can determine if it's affecting your relationship.

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What is Considered Inappropriate Flirting When Married?

To understand inappropriate flirting, it’s important to define what this entails first. Generally, flirting refers to engaging in social interactions intended to attract a potential partner or fling. From an anthropological perspective, flirtatious behaviors have served to express interest towards someone to ensure reproduction and preserve the human race.1, 2 Flirting with other people can occur when you’re married, and entail playful verbal/nonverbal cues that aren’t intentionally aimed at having a serious relationship or an affair. However, inappropriate flirting is determined by how you and your spouse define it; it can depend on one’s intent, type of flirting, who is being flirted with, and so forth.1, 3

Some factors that may influence what is considered inappropriate flirting include:

Type of flirting: Is it sexual, romantic, or disrespectful in nature?

Is it sexual, romantic, or disrespectful in nature? Intention behind the flirting: Is it in pursuit of engaging in an emotional affair? Does it involve sexting or micro-cheating? Is it done in an effort to leave your partner?

Is it in pursuit of engaging in an emotional affair? Does it involve sexting or micro-cheating? Is it done in an effort to leave your partner? The person you’re flirting with: Are you flirting with an ex, a crush, or someone who you share an attraction with?

Are you flirting with an ex, a crush, or someone who you share an attraction with? The way it’s perceived: Would it offend, mislead, harass, or hurt the flirt recipient? Would your spouse condone or condemn your acts of bantering?

Would it offend, mislead, harass, or hurt the flirt recipient? Would your spouse condone or condemn your acts of bantering? Relationship boundaries: Are you crossing established boundaries set by you and your partner? Would it break trust in your relationship?

Are you crossing established boundaries set by you and your partner? Would it break trust in your relationship? Consequences: Would the flirting damage your marriage? Could it lead to an affair, marital conflicts in and/or eventually end your relationship or have legal repercussions?

8 Examples of Inappropriate Flirting When Married

Inappropriate flirting when married can mean different things to each couple. If you are wondering whether your flirtation has crossed the line, consider asking yourself things such as Why am I flirting? or, What vibe am I putting out there?

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Here are eight examples of inappropriate flirting while married:

1. Coming on to Someone

Expressing a romantic or sexual interest towards a person outside of your marriage is not only inappropriate flirting, but disrespectful. The spouse typically sees it this way unless you’re in an open relationship in which seeking other partners is agreed upon as acceptable. Hitting on someone when you are married violates marital vows and possibly suggests relationship dissatisfaction, which eventually can lead to emotional or physical infidelity.4, 5 It’s worth mentioning that this act may constitute harassment and be frowned upon by society.1

2. It Consumes Most of Your Energy

There are certain life-events or responsibilities that require your undivided attention and may pull you away from your partner and relationship for a period. However, frequently creating opportunities to flirt–like diverting all your attention to having flirty chats online/socially or trying to get closer to the person you’re flirting with–can make you neglect your partner and become indifferent towards your relationship.3, 4

3. Flirting to Make Your Partner Jealous

Are you flirting just to make your spouse jealous? This behavior can backfire at some point. Trying to get your spouse’s attention by eliciting jealousy will not only upset them, but hinder the marriage too. While moderate flirting can be healthy, jealousy-provoking tactics used to maintain your partner’s interest are inappropriate, and could possibly indicate personal insecurities and/or other relational issues.1, 2

4. You’re Hiding Things from Your Spouse

It is normal to want some privacy, but continuously lying or withholding certain information from your partner may suggest that something shady is going on. Take a closer look into your social interactions–would you feel comfortable having your spouse witness them? If not, chances are you are inappropriately flirting with other people behind your partner’s back.3, 4

5. Becoming Defensive When Confronted

Are you minimizing or getting defensive about the scope of your flirting when confronted by your spouse? Defensiveness can take many forms; you may deflect the nature of your bantering, completely deny your actions, or rationalize why you are doing it. Your evasiveness may further confirm that your flirting has gone too far.3

6. Deliberately Touching Someone

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Not all physical contact translates into sensual or flirty intent. Hugging a friend or high fiving someone can convey reassurance and enhance social connections. Yet, frequently and purposely touching someone in a provocative way–like caressing their hand or giving them a tight and lingering hug–is inappropriate flirting, and implies a romantic/sexual interest, particularly when there’s attraction between either party.6 Even so, this may likely be considered sexual harassment in certain settings.1

7. Flirting with Someone When There is an Attraction

Being married doesn’t mean you won’t notice attractive people, but you don’t have to act on your interests. Mischievously bantering with someone you have sexual tension with is like playing with fire, because you can grow closer to them and start wanting more. Over time, you may get carried away, flirt more, cross additional lines, and eventually end up having an emotional and/or physical affair.

8. Not Disclosing Your Marital Status Online or in Public

Whether in-person or online, being dishonest about your relationship status may be viewed to some degree as presenting yourself as “available.” This can get risky, because the person you are being playful with may think that you are interested in becoming more intimate or open to the possibility of being pursued, or vice versa.2, 4, 7

How Inappropriate Flirting Can Hurt Your Marriage

Issues related to inappropriate flirting can have a negative emotional and psychological impact on a couple, causing friction within the marriage. This is especially so when this behavior is an ongoing occurrence. Improper flirting can hurt your marriage in many ways, including producing conflictive interactions, increased resentment, lack of intimacy, low self-esteem, among others.

Some ways inappropriate flirting can affect your marriage include:3, 4, 5

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