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Is it normal to still be heartbroken after 2 years?

It is completely normal to feel profoundly sad for more than a year, and sometimes many years, after a person you love has died. Don't put pressure on yourself to feel better or move on because other people think you should. Be compassionate with yourself and take the space and time you need to grieve.

sueryder.org - How long does grief last? | Bereavement Support - Sue Ryder

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When will I feel better after a loss?

You and the people around you may have expectations about how quickly you should move on. But grief changes over time, as you understand how different your life is without the person. We are all different and there is no timetable or grief timeline for how long it will take you.

The early stages of grief

In the early stages of grief you may be caught up in a whirlwind of things that you need to do and sort out, or you may feel shocked and numb. After several months, the initial support you had from friends and family may start to fade. At the same time as people start to provide less support, you may find you start to feel less numb. Only as these things happen can you can start to experience how different your life is without the person you loved and start to grieve for that loss.

The first year

It generally takes about a year to realise how much has changed in your life, both emotionally and practically. Some things only come up once a year, like celebrating a birthday or Christmas, or doing something the person who has died used to do, like renewing the car insurance. Each time one of these things happens, you are reminded of your loss, and your feelings of grief may come to the surface. It may feel as if you are on an emotional roller coaster, where one minute you are coping and the next you feel overwhelmed by grief. You are likely to find you have some good days and some bad days. As time passes, the balance between good days and bad days shifts and gradually you will find you have more good days and fewer bad days. But these changes are gradual, and each person is different, so the balance for you may not be the same as someone else after the same length of time. Some of the physical symptoms of grief, such as having trouble sleeping and losing your appetite, also lessen over time. Taking care of yourself by eating well, getting some exercise and sleeping will help you to feel better in yourself and to cope.

Two years on

Although the intensity of your feelings may lessen over time, there is no timetable for how long you will grieve. The length of time is different for each person. For most people their mourning period is a long process and it can take years. After about two years you are likely to know the places, events and occasions that trigger your emotions. As you start to know these, you will also learn what helps you to cope with them. After a while people around you – family, friends and colleagues at work – may forget what you have been through, or may encourage you to move on. You yourself may even feel that you ought to have moved on. But the goal is not to move on. Your grief is not something that can or should be ‘fixed’. The goal is to find a way to live with and cope with your feelings. You may eventually come to a point where your feelings of grief are a reminder of the person, and that in itself can be a source of comfort.

How long does grief last after the death of a partner?

As with grief after any bereavement, there will be no set timeline for how long your grief will last after your partner’s death. You may find that you go through a range of different emotions, from anger and sadness, to regret and guilt. Or maybe you feel quite numb after the shock of your partner’s death. However you feel, remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve for your partner. Everyone deals with a bereavement in their own way and this is the same when a partner dies. Take the time to grieve in your own way and don’t be too hard on yourself. Grief is forever. Over time it will vary in intensity, what it looks and feels like, and how it is part of your life.

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Growing around grief - Tonkin’s model of grief

A lot of people find that, over time, they are able to live with their grief and make space in their life for other things. Places you go, foods you eat or maybe music you hear will bring back memories and sometimes make you feel sad again, but many find their life still can still slowly flower around their grief. Tonkin’s model of grief, created by grief counsellor Lois Tonkin, is a model for growing around grief through your life, instead of simply ‘getting over it’. First published in her 1996 article ‘Growing around grief—another way of looking at grief and recovery’, Tonkin was initially inspired by a sketch drawn by a mother whose child had died. She tried to show how she expected her grief to progress after losing her child and how this actually happened over time. Instead of her grief diminishing, it remained the same, but instead her life slowly became bigger around it, developing, growing. She still lived with her grief, but her life around it continued to grow. Moving on doesn’t mean that you are forgetting the person who has died. It just means you’ve accepted your bereavement, but that’s not the same as forgetting. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone as an important part of you. In fact, as you move through life, these memories can become more and more significant in defining who you are. This is what Tonkin means by ‘growing around grief’. Imagine your life as a circle, containing everything you’re experiencing. Now, shade in the circle to represent your grief. This represents you and your grief. For some, the majority of the circle may be shaded to show how all-consuming their grief is. What then happens in the following days, months and years is important. Rather than feeling like the shaded area is getting smaller, the outer circle - representing you and everything in your life - grows bigger. The result looks somewhat like a fried egg, with the yolk representing your grief and the white growing around it as your life continues to grow around it. Some people describe this as adjusting to life and living around your grief, not losing your grief. You’ll have new experiences, meet new people and begin to find new moments of enjoyment. Slowly, these moments may become more frequent, and your outer circle might grow a little bigger. This doesn’t mean your grief will disappear. During difficult times, you might even find that it grows. But - even if you don’t see how it could, or perhaps don’t want it to - grief will no longer dominate your circle as you, and your life, grow around it. What’s your grief have a really helpful page on Tonkin’s model of grief and the different ways people have represented it visually

Coping with grief longer-term

We have described below some of the feelings people have told us they experience over time. You may feel some or all of these and many other feelings too.

I thought I was doing fine, but now I feel worse

There are lots of reasons why you might find that over time you feel your grief more rather than less. In the early stages, you may be caught up in a whirlwind of things that you need to do and sort out. Friends, relatives and even work colleagues, are likely to be very conscious of what has happened and make time and effort to support you. But gradually things settle down and support from friends and relatives wanes. Only then do you have the time and space to understand how different your life is without the person you loved and to grieve for that loss. You may find that you aren’t able to grieve at first because you have caring responsibilities. For example, if you have young children or perhaps an elderly relative that you need to look after, your initial focus may be on supporting them.

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Your own feelings of grief might be delayed after a bereavement. It may only be later that it feels real that the person has died, as you are able to make space for your own sense of grief. You may feel very angry at first. Feeling angry is very common, for example if your friend or relative was diagnosed late, but might have lived if they were diagnosed earlier, or if there were issues with their treatment. At first you may focus on the aspects of the person’s treatment or care that you were unhappy with. Your sense of anger may replace your grief. Those feelings of anger can stay for a long time. You may find that you don’t want support or counselling at first but, as your feelings change over time, you may decide you do. It is ok to ask for support when you need it, even if it is quite a long time after your friend or relative has died. Little things take me by surprise and suddenly I feel overwhelmed by grief Over time, you will find a way to live with some of the more day-to-day reminders of the person you love. It is some of the unpredictable things, like a song on the radio, or finding one of their belongings in a drawer, that can trigger unexpected feelings. It can be particularly hard when this happens in public, for example, if you see someone’s favourite cake in the supermarket. Although it is completely normal to be upset, you might feel uncomfortable with being emotional in public. Unfortunately, it may make it harder that other people often don’t know how to respond when this happens. Although other people may not know how to handle it if this happens to you, and may pretend that they haven’t noticed, it is not wrong for you to feel or act like this. In fact, it is completely understandable. Although it is hard, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed.

I want to talk about my partner, but others don’t

One of the things you may find hardest to cope with is other people’s reactions. Because people don’t know what to say, they often avoid talking about the person who has died, or the feelings you might have. When you mention the person, they may seem awkward or ignore the comment. This can be extremely painful, as it can feel like they are behaving as if the person didn’t exist. It can also feel very isolating, as you may feel embarrassed to mention the person, or ‘out of sync’ with the people around you. However, your friend or relative was and will always be important in your life. You shouldn’t feel bad that you might mention them in conversation or want to talk about them. Sometimes other people will take their lead from you. If you talk about your friend or relative, or explain that it is important to you that everyone still talks about them, it can help other people know how to respond. Support groups, such as our Online Bereavement Community, can really help as you can share your feelings – such as saying you still miss them – with people who empathise and don’t judge.

sueryder.org - How long does grief last? | Bereavement Support - Sue Ryder

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