Infatuation Rules
Photo: Sorapong Chaipanya
But even if there's no perfect definition for a “sexless” marriage, everyone seems to agree that they're common. Newsweek estimates that about 15 to 20 percent of couples are in one, and sexless marriage is the topic of myriad new books—like Yager-Berkowitz's—and plenty of articles and columns.
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Read More »How much sex should married couples have? Experts sound off on sexless marriage and long-term love. Jennifer (name changed) didn’t have sex with her ex-husband on their wedding night. “I chalked it up to fatigue,” she says. But should it have been a red flag? Well, maybe. It’s not that it didn’t happen that one night that was the problem; it’s that it was the first of many sexless married nights. As an engaged couple, Jennifer and her fiancé were doing it about three times a week, but once they said their vows, it quickly dwindled to about once a month—sometimes less.
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Read More »After a period of sexual inactivity, you and your partner can get back on the proverbial horse. “Remember how you connected back then and repeat that,” says Dr. Tessina. “It could be a few words, a gesture, a kind of look or touch.” Do new things together, go on a trip or try some thrilling activities to try to keep things fresh. It’s common for spouses to have different amounts of sexual desire. If you’re the spouse who’s unsatisfied, it’s important to communicate with your partner, compassionately. “Say, ‘We haven’t had sex in a while, and I miss you,’ ” recommends Dr. Tessina. “Don’t complain about it—that’s not going to get you laid. Go for the sweetness.” Choose the time of day that works for both of you; maybe set the scene with some candlelight, romantic music or whatever helps you both get into the mood. “Try to make it as easy and simple as possible to get together, and it gets easier to do,” says Dr. Tessina. “In a long-term marriage, you have to pay attention to keep the sex going. It won’t keep going by itself.” The experts agree that a marriage without sex isn’t necessarily wrong, but it can be more vulnerable than one with regular sex. Luckily, it’s doesn’t always take much to keep up a routine—but it does take some effort. Judith Steinhart, EdD, a clinical sexologist in New York City, suggests getting back into the groove by reading erotic stories or watching X-rated movies together and opening a dialogue about each other’s sexual desires. What gets each couple—and each person—back on track will vary, so explore ways to loosen up your current attitudes about sex, shake up your routine a bit and begin to talk about sex with your partner. “The focus needs to be on giving and receiving pleasure,” says Dr. Steinhart. “And letting the [sexual] feelings in.”
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Read More »If you’re the one who doesn’t want to have sex, closely examine what’s going on in your life and your relationship and ask yourself why. It could be a physical condition you should see a doctor about, or it could be negative feelings toward something in your relationship—and that could be something you can get past. “Remember that it’s important to your relationship to keep you partner sexually satisfied,” says Dr. Tessina. “There are deals you can work out. Maybe you can hold your partner while they masturbate, for example.” So is a sexless marriage ever okay? Yes, says Dr. Steinhart, as long as both partners honestly feel happy and satisfied with their relationship without sexual intimacy. “If a couple is OK with their pattern, whether it’s infrequent or not at all there isn’t a problem,” says Dr. Steinhart. “Some would say, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ ” That’s why it’s important to keep an open dialogue with your spouse, to continue to connect on other levels and to make sure both of you are truly content with the status of the relationship. Dr. Steinhart adds, “It’s not a lack of sex that’s the issue, it’s a discordant level of desire.” Sadly, Jennifer never really got to the bottom of why her ex stopped wanting to have sex with her. “As for theories, I came up with a slew of possible reasons, [that] he’s stressed, he’s busy, he’s tired, he’s sick, he takes me for granted, he’s gay,” she says.
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