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Is it better to stay together for the kids?

Is it always best to stay together for the kids? The short-term answer is usually yes. Children thrive in predictable, secure families with two parents who love them and love each other. Separation is unsettling, stressful, and destabilizing unless there is parental abuse or conflict.

psychologytoday.com - Should You Stay Together Only for the Kids? | Psychology Today
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Many parents believe that divorce will cause irreparable damage to their children. Some parents are so worried about this that they remain in unhappy, conflict-ridden, or even abusive marriages. What does the research say? Is it always best to stay together for the kids?

The short-term answer is usually yes. Children thrive in predictable, secure families with two parents who love them and love each other. Separation is unsettling, stressful, and destabilizing unless there is parental abuse or conflict. In the long term, however, divorce can lead to happier outcomes for children. When parents are arguing or incompatible in a deep and lasting way, divorce can be a relief for children, a chance to breathe healthier air, free of the tensions of an unhappy relationship. When changes in family structure are handled well, children experience a temporary disruption but can achieve long-term resiliency and strength. If you are thinking about your children’s ability to create happily productive adult lives for themselves, then, the answer is no. Try your best to make your marriage work, but don’t stay in an unhappy relationship only for the sake of your children.

Problems for Children Whose Parents Split Up

Many problems have been documented for children whose parents have separated. They are more likely than children in intact families to experience:

distress, anger, anxiety, and disbelief

fear, neediness, regression

a sense of guilt and/or blame

academic problems

disruptive behaviors

substance use

emotional problems

risk-taking behavior

Factors That Buffer the Impact of Divorce

Most children whose parents have divorced are resilient and after a year or two exhibit none of these academic, behavioral, or psychological problems. They adapt to the new routines and grow comfortable with the new living arrangements. The likelihood of good outcomes for children is increased when at least one of the parents:

ensures the children feel safe and secure

is warm, affectionate, and open with the children

respects and speaks well of the other parent

co-operates with the other parent about matters that involve the children

facilitates ongoing, regular, and dependable contact with the other parent

has clear and reasonable expectations of the children

provides close but respectful monitoring

supports empowerment and autonomy

teaches good problem-solving and coping skills

maintains a network of social support with extended family, neighbors, and community

seeks professional help for self or children as needed

Major long-term studies show that although many children experience short-term problems and setbacks, the vast majority rebound after a year or two. On balance, children of divorce become well-adjusted adults, as long as they have at least one loving parent who remains committed to their welfare. Far from suffering inevitable damage from divorce, children can benefit from seeing their parents decide for happiness and fulfillment. Personal Disclosure: In general, children do best in close, happy families with two parents who love them and love each other. That is what I want for my grandchildren, and for every child. Sometimes, however, with all the best will in the world, parents cannot make that happen with the other parent of their children. In those situations, the research shows that when divorce is handled well, it can be the healthiest option for the children. That is the decision I made when my children were young. I believe that the happily productive and creative lives they have made for themselves support that decision.

Read more about children and divorce here.

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How old should a girl be to date?

16 For many kids, 16 seems to be an appropriate age, but it may be entirely suitable for a mature 15-year-old to go on a date, or to make your immature 16-year-old wait a year or two. You can also consider what other parents are doing.

healthline.com - What Age Is Appropriate for Dating: A Guide for Parents - Healthline

When your child mentions dating, or a girlfriend or boyfriend, try to get an idea of what those concepts mean to them. Take note of how your child reacts when you discuss dating. It could be a little uncomfortable or embarrassing, but if your child is unable to even discuss it with you without getting defensive or upset, take that as a sign that they probably aren’t ready.

Other things to consider include the following.

Is your child really interested in someone in particular, or are they just trying to keep up with what friends are doing?

Do you think your son or daughter would tell you if something went wrong?

Is your child generally confident and happy?

Does your child’s physical development match their emotional development?

Be aware that for many tweens and young teenagers, dating amounts to socializing in a group. While there may be interest between two in particular, it’s not double-dating so much as a group heading out or meeting up at the movies or the mall. This kind of group stuff is a safe and healthy way to interact with members of the opposite sex without the awkwardness that a one-on-one scenario can bring. Think of it as dating with training wheels. So, when is a child ready for one-on-one dating? There’s no right answer. It’s important to consider your child as an individual. Consider their emotional maturity and sense of responsibility. For many kids, 16 seems to be an appropriate age, but it may be entirely suitable for a mature 15-year-old to go on a date, or to make your immature 16-year-old wait a year or two.

You can also consider what other parents are doing. Are lots of kids the same as yours already dating in the true sense of the word?

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