Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Daisy Anderson
Like most ghosts people report having experienced, you're just an annoying practitioner of “now you see me, now you don't.” Ghosting is akin to Gaslighting because it's a denial, a charade. And it rejects the worthiness of another human being and the impact of the exchange that may have happened between you.
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Read More »Ghosting: Abruptly cutting off contact with someone without giving that person any warning or explanation for doing so. Even when the person being ghosted reaches out to re-initiate contact or gain closure, they're met with silence. If you are a ghost-er, therefore a ghost - unlike a Halloween ghost you’re probably not frightening at all. Like most ghosts people report having experienced, you’re just an annoying practitioner of “now you see me, now you don’t.” Ghosting is akin to Gaslighting because it’s a denial, a charade. And it rejects the worthiness of another human being and the impact of the exchange that may have happened between you. We give ourselves all kinds of excuses to justify ghosting someone. Busyness is number one, Attention Deficit Disorder, another. Most often it is a simple act of cowardice, a lack of consideration. Emotional Intelligence (EI) emphasizes the value of relationship and the salience of empathy. The act of ghosting ignores both. EI recommends we lean into discomfort, where ghosting takes the easy exit out. In some instances, ghosting is recommended as a self-protecting, appropriate end to negative relationships, but even those interpretations challenge character and integrity. In business, it is used very casually drawing on the excuses listed above. It is standard to ghost job candidates who didn’t get the job, and god forbid any notice is sent to the senders of resumes who didn’t make the cut. This is a stark denial of effort and worthiness, where any sincere though brief explanation might be very beneficially instructive for the applicant. In the realm of business networking, we assume permission to ignore an attempted contact or silently terminate a communication volley without explanation if we determine the networker unworthy of our consideration. Self-importance disguised as busyness or justified by caste and superiority call the shot. We bypass the value and joy we may have given or received by extending a few seconds of thoughtful feedback or advice. There is a thin grey line between Ghosting and Gaslighting. Sometimes we simply ignore conversations or events, don’t communicate about them, and leave others hanging while stuck with the responsibility of confronting us. I once worked with a coaching client whose manager would occasionally cherrypick parts of her job that involved exposure to senior managers, and do them himself. During the time leading up to the event he would cancel meetings with her and be too swamped to discuss why he usurped her opportunity. When she finally met with him, she would skillfully hold him accountable by calmly requesting that he let her do her job. He would Gaslight her by acting like he hadn’t done anything out of line, or claim he was protecting her in some obscure way, then cast her as too sensitive. Of course, she eventually left the job. Ghosting often creates ghosts. Non-communication as an act of Ghosting is haunting. It leaves others to wonder and mull. When we intentionally cut people off without explanation, it may serve as a satisfying kind of revenge to know they are left to figure it out on their own.
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