Photo: Mary Taylor

How to trick a man into marrying you?

Having It All: Love (or 25 Ways to Trick a Man Into Marrying You) Be on time. ... Compliment him a lot. ... Rave about his brain. ... Pay attention to what he drinks and learn to mix it flawlessly. . . Learn how to light his cigar – like Gigi. Research any projects he's interested in. ... Listen. More items... •

daniellebaker.com - Having It All: Love (or 25 Ways to Trick a Man Into Marrying You)

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Helen’s version of love – what sweet hell have we climbed into? This version of love depends heavily on playing pretend, sleeping with married men, putting down other women, working your Kegels while watching sports, avoiding "homosexuals", and rating breeds of tigers. It's so hard to find a Valentine's Day card that encompasses this vision of true love in today's day and age. Clearly, we have been led astray by those pesky feminists (although if it weren't for them we never would have won back crab. . . more on that in just a minute.)

How to make a man fall in love with you:

1. Be on time. Women rarely are.

2. Compliment him a lot. You almost can’t overdo it. . .

3. Rave about his brain. “What a brilliant idea!”

4. Pay attention to what he drinks and learn to mix it flawlessly. . .

5. Learn how to light his cigar – like Gigi.

6. Research any projects he’s interested in. Helping him in his work is a nearly foolproof way to ingratiate yourself. 7. Listen. Don’t talk too much. No matter how often he says “Tell men about you,” don’t go overboard. 8. Research his life totally. . . from what he says, by talking to his friends, family, coworkers. Read anything written about him. 9. Whatever he tells you one day, remember to ask him about it the next. Make written notes after you see him if you need them to remember – people in his life, organizations belonged to, products made by his company. 10. Never telephone just to chat. . . We’ve come a long way with equality. . . you have the tickets, you ask him, you have the Dungeness crab, you invite him, but random telephoning is still left to him if you’re crazy about the man. 11. Be selective about what you tell him. . . Only dumb people equate intimacy with openness. 12. Be wonderful to his friends. . . Try not to see the ones you hate too much, but even them you have to be nice to. 13. [Remember] his children are going to be a part of his life forever. . . Let’s hope their daddy keeps them from being little brats around you. 14. Enjoy, if you can, the things he introduces you to and wants you to enjoy, leaving out drugs, group sex, gambling parlors, cops raid, cockfighting and a few other aggravation-makers.

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15. Be accommodating during courtship.

16. Do whatever he suggests immediately if you can.

17. When he’s away, write sexy notes to reach the hotel when he does or tuck them in his luggage.

18. Take him to or pick him up at the airport.

19. For his homecoming, put gas-filled balloons in his apartment – or yours – with a big gag card; chill the champagne. 20. You must begin to give him presents. . . Just about everything you ever thought a man should do for you, you should do for him. . . if you go a little overboard, pay too much for gifts for him, it isn’t the worst insanity. (Examples of gifts to give: a traveling Water-Pik, staple remover, and anything monogrammed.) 21. Role playing contributes to sensuousness. . . I think the father/daughter relationship one of the sexiest, present in nearly every love affair in which he’s at least fifteen years older than you. . . Utterly alike in age, interests, ideals. . . like Donny and Marie Osmond, only not brother and sister. . . that has its charms. 22. [Be crazy.] Crazy ladies love better than uncrazy ones. Your virulent anxiety about him somehow produces the purest kind of sexuality. . . You’re on edge, hungry, a Bengal tiger (the best kind!) when you get to bed. 23. [Don't speak your mind.] Despite everybody pushing you to have “open and honest relationships,” and despite your own mouseburger inclinations to be direct, I think forever blabbing what’s on your mind is only for securely married people who can’t/don’t leave each other easily. 24. Tell him, “You’ve had such a profound influence on my life,” “You’ve changed my life,” “You’ve taught me so much.” 25. [Just hang in.] You must operate from strength. Strength comes from quietly hanging in.

daniellebaker.com - Having It All: Love (or 25 Ways to Trick a Man Into Marrying You)

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