Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Caio
While men tended to consider confessions of love acceptable after about a month or so, women tended to say it was better to wait 2 to 3 months or so. Confessions of love generally inspired feelings of happiness, but men felt more positive about confessions that happened before the relationship became sexual.
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Read More »Share on Pinterest Getty Images As sentences go, “I love you” is a pretty simple one. Yet in spite of its unassuming appearance, this short phrase can carry a *lot* of meaning — as evidenced by the fact that people often spend plenty of time agonizing over when to say it for the first time, or whether to say it at all. If you’re hoping for a quick answer to the question, “When should I tell my partner I love them?” we have to let you down. As with most questions about matters of the heart, there’s no single, straightforward answer. Love, after all, means something a little different for everyone. Some people consider confessing their love a momentous occasion that requires careful consideration. Others say the words easily, with no concerns over how they’ll be received. So no, there’s no set timeline for saying those three small but powerful words. All the same, a few key clues can offer more insight on not just when you might be ready to say them, but when your partner might be ready to hear them. There isn’t a “normal” amount of time Maybe you feel those words bubbling up whenever you’re around the person, and you find yourself pressing your lips firmly closed to hold them back. At the same time, though, you might worry: Is it too soon? Do I really love them? What if they don’t feel the same? Your imagination might even suggest possible scenarios, like stunned silence, laughter, or a swift rejection. So, you decide to wait, until you’re more sure of them as well as yourself. As you wait, you wonder, “Exactly how long *should* I wait?” The answer varies for everyone. But a 2011 research review did attempt to identify some common patterns around the act of saying “I love you.” In a set of six studies, researchers explored why and when partners in heterosexual relationships communicate commitment, plus potential reactions to those declarations of love. (They noted that they only included male-female couples because they didn’t have enough data from LGB+ couples.) Their findings suggest: Men often think about expressing feelings of love first. On average, it took them 97.3 days to consider saying “I love you,” while it took women just about 138 days to consider saying the words. Men didn’t just think about confessing before women. They were also more likely to say “I love you” first. While men tended to consider confessions of love acceptable after about a month or so, women tended to say it was better to wait 2 to 3 months or so. Confessions of love generally inspired feelings of happiness, but men felt more positive about confessions that happened before the relationship became sexual. Women experienced more positive emotions when men said “I love you” after becoming physically intimate. Basically, people often begin to consider saying “I love you” somewhere around a few months into a relationship. Does gender matter? The study authors suggest that women may trust a confession of love less when it comes before sexual intimacy, since they might consider it a less-than-honest means of getting sex. Research from 2015 supports this suggestion, going on to note that some women may wait to say “I love you” because they don’t want their partner to feel rushed into commitment. Of course, this view is somewhat limited. For one, it may support the stereotype that women want commitment while men want sex, a notion that’s often completely false. What’s more, both studies exclude a significant number of people, since not everyone is cisgender or heterosexual. Researchers have yet to delve into the romantic experiences of transgender or nonbinary individuals, or fully explore nonheterosexual relationships. In short, these findings may not necessarily apply to every type of relationship. Gender itself may not have all that much to do with how and when you fall in love. Gendered social norms, however, along with your past experiences in romantic relationships, can certainly factor in. Common “stages” you might recognize Romantic love often progresses through three general stages: lust, attraction, and attachment. These stages can affect your brain and body in different ways. Plus, not everyone will go through these stages the same way — if at all. Lust The early phases of a romantic relationship can be pretty, well, lustful. Testosterone and estrogen may ramp up your libido, helping fuel the first few weeks (or months) where you can’t seem to keep from touching. Staying in (in bed, that is) usually sounds like a great idea. Lust doesn’t always become love, or even mutual attraction. Some mostly physical relationships tend to lose their spark and fizzle out before too long. In the same way, love doesn’t need to grow out of lust at all. Many asexual people may skip this stage completely. Attraction Of course, you can also feel some attraction that goes beyond sexual desire. Attraction can flourish alongside lust, or independently of any physical intimacy. During this stage, your brain releases more of the hormones dopamine (linked to rewards and motivation) and norepinephrine (linked to the fight or flight response). At the same time, it produces less serotonin, a hormone that plays a part in mood, appetite, sleep, and sexual function. These changing hormone levels can leave you feeling energized, even though you might have less appetite or need for sleep. You might also feel euphoric, or lightheaded and excited, at the merest thought of the person you’ve fallen for. Attachment Helped along by hormones like oxytocin, your romantic feelings might eventually stabilize into a more lasting attachment. You’ll recognize this stage when you begin to think about commitment over “just having fun” or “seeing what happens.” While that early euphoria may have faded, feelings of closeness and deeper affection have grown in its place. You might feel a bond forming, and you may want to nurture it long term. If you’ve reached this stage, you could, quite possibly, be in love. How do you know when it’s time to say it? Some people share their feelings as soon as they notice the first urge to say them. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it doesn’t hurt to take some time to think, either. You can’t truly love someone before you get to know them, no matter what countless pop songs and media love stories suggest. In fact, a 2017 study suggests that so-called “love at first sight” might be better described as “attraction at first sight.” As you sort through your feelings, ask yourself if you’ve noticed any of these key signs of love: You see them as a whole person. In other words, you acknowledge and accept not just their positive traits, but also the slightly less positive ones. That could include their habit of telling long-winded stories, when you really just want the highlights.
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