Photo: Megan Ruth

How long do dumper stages last?

The Separation Elation Stage (Lasting Anywhere Between 1 – 2 Months) This stage encompasses the actual breakup/escape as well as the dumpers relief.

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Today we’re going to tackle the breakup relief phenomenon by figuring out exactly how long you can realistically expect it to last. In my opinion, the breakup relief stage can last anywhere from 1 to 2 months from the onset of a breakup with it taking roughly 5 months before individuals actually feel they’ve healed from the breakup. In order for you to fully understand how I came up with these calculations we must first dive into a few core concepts.

The relationship death wheel

The dumpers relief stage

The success story timeline

Figuring out how long the relief stage can last for a dumper is a lot like trying to solve a math problem. One, whose variables are constantly changing. The best anyone can realistically do is come up with a template that works in “most” situations but not all situations and that’s what I intend to do.

First things first though, let’s introduce you to the variables.

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The Relationship Death Wheel

This is probably the one graphic this year that I’ve become famous for.

I call it the relationship death wheel,

The idea is that we are showing the entire lifecycle of a relationship from a dumpers perspective starting with what it was like for them to start a relationship with you all the way through a breakup and then a potential reconciliation.

Let’s get the basics out of the way first.

There are eight stages comprised within the wheel.

I want someone to love me I found someone my troubles are over I’m noticing some worrying things… I’m thinking of leaving I’ve decided to leave the relationship I’m so happy that I left I’m starting to feel kind of lonely Why can’t I ever find the right person Now, the specific stage that this article is going to be focusing on is stage number six.

I’m so happy I left

This is typically where dumpers relief comes into play. However, understanding how long it will last for depends on you having a basic understanding of the way the entire wheel works. You’ll notice by looking at the graphic above that I’ve divided these eight stages in half into two categories.

The relationship category The breakup category

This is important because most people only look at the breakup category and make calculations based on that but we must understand how the whole wheel works if we are to give an honest accounting.

Creating The Death Wheel Timeline

Everything I’m about to write here was actually taken from one of my videos, Basically, I spent a day trying to figure out how long each of the stages take on average within the wheel. Figuring this out caused me to combine some of the stages.

So, here’s how it broke down.

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I want someone to love me + I found someone my troubles are over = The Honeymoon Stage

I’m noticing some worrying things… = The Anxious Trigger Stage

I’m thinking of leaving = The Avoidant Trigger Stage

I’ve decided to leave the relationship +I’m so happy that I left = The Separation Elation Stage I’m starting to feel kind of lonely + why can’t I ever find the right person? = The Depression/Nostalgia Stage Again, we’re really interested in the separation elation stage but we need to understand how it fits into its surroundings first. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz So, let’s talk through how long each of these stages will typically last.

I’ll do this by color coding the wheel.

The honeymoon stage (light green)

The anxious trigger stage (dark green)

The avoidant trigger stage (vomit green)

The separation elation stage (yellow)

The depression/nostalgia stage (orange)

The Honeymoon Period (Lasting Roughly 6 Months)

The honeymoon period stage is exactly what it sounds like it would be. It’s that moment of time at the beginning of a relationship that you don’t see the other persons flaws at all. Everything is great. It’s all sunshine’s and rainbows. The reason I think it lasts an average of six months is that a few months ago I put a question to my private facebook support group. By far the most common answer was twelve months and the research I found seemed to indicate that usually the honeymoon period lasts about half the time of a non spousal relationship.

So, six months was the answer.

The Anxious Trigger Stage (Lasting Roughly A Month)

In order to understand how this works we must first understand the most common pairing. This year my team and I have grown quite fond of attachment styles. So much so in fact that we’ve learned our average client has an anxious attachment style,

And our average clients ex has an avoidant attachment,

This means that our average pairing is going to be,

Anxious (client) + Avoidant (ex)

This pairing isn’t ideal since it’s a lot like mixing oil and water. At first neither couple will notice anything wrong with the other. They are riding high on the honeymoon period. However, eventually something will happen. Usually that something is their partners anxious behavior starts seeping through and it makes them take notice.

Eventually triggering the next stage.

The Avoidant Trigger Stage (Lasting Roughly 2 Months)

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz This is the stage where the avoidants actual avoidant side starts to get triggered.

You may notice your ex is previously distant in this stage.

You’ll ask them,

“What’s wrong?”

Only to have them respond,

“Nothing.”

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But deep down you know something is wrong. Behind the scenes though your ex is planning their escape.

The Separation Elation Stage (Lasting Anywhere Between 1 – 2 Months)

This stage encompasses the actual breakup/escape as well as the dumpers relief.

In attachment theory more specifically this is called separation elation.

In fact, one of my favorite attachment style websites, Free To Attach, defines it as, After a relationship ends, people with an avoidant attachment style tend not to show much anxiety or distress, often feeling an initial sense of relief at the relinquishing of obligations and the sense that they are regaining their self-identity, and not tending to initially miss their partner – this is “separation elation” as the pressure to connect is gone.

Dumpers relief!

And the crazy part is that most exes believe this relief feeling will last forever. It emboldens their stance that they made the right decision but the elated feeling is fleeting.

It doesn’t last forever.

And as high as they feel now about the breakup they’re about to feel low in a moment for the next stage is…

The Depression/Nostalgia Stage (Lasting 2+ Months)

One of the oddest things that I took to heart over the past two years is this idea of avoidant nostalgia. People with this attachment style literally prefer phantom exes because there’s no threat of a reconciliation. I’ve actually talked about this concept in-depth in this video,

Basically,

Without the danger of reciprocity (so particularly after an ex has moved on), liberation from the fear of engulfment finally gives free reign to an avoidant’s latent romanticism. An ex being truly unavailable may even produce a perverse enjoyment – they are at liberty to fully miss and think wistfully of them while it also confirms their self-belief people won’t stick around them (sometimes in relationships they may imagine their partner with another to trigger this) This is why so often we are seeing exes who don’t really miss past partners until that person has moved on. That’s when they allow themselves to feel nostalgia. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz

Conclusion

As you can see, the separation elation stage is very dependent on the stages that come before it an after it.

To recap,

The honeymoon stage (6 months)

The anxious trigger stage (1 month)

The avoidant trigger stage (2 months)

The separation elation stage (1-2 months)

The depression/nostalgia stage (2+ months)

Breakup relief may seem like it will last forever for a dumper but I assure you it will subside. So, try not to panic if you are dealing with a dumper that seems over the moon about the breakup.

The toll will come.

exboyfriendrecovery.com - Figuring Out Exactly How Long Breakup Relief Can Last

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