Infatuation Rules
Photo: RODNAE Productions
Emotional cheating happens when you establish a close, intimate connection with someone who isn't your partner. You can generally tell emotional infidelity apart from simple friendship because your interactions often involve some sexual tension or romantic attraction.
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Read More »Share on Pinterest Rowan Jordan/Getty Images Emotional cheating happens when you establish a close, intimate connection with someone who isn’t your partner. You can generally tell emotional infidelity apart from simple friendship because your interactions often involve some sexual tension or romantic attraction. You also keep this relationship close to your chest, unlike a healthy, supportive friendship. This type of attachment may not seem threatening or problematic, since you don’t plan on getting physical. Yet emotional cheating can begin to erode the foundations of your relationship and weaken your commitment to your partner. People define cheating in different ways, so emotional attachments may not automatically come to mind when you consider infidelity. Here’s how to recognize emotional cheating — and avoid it going forward. What counts as emotional cheating? Generally speaking, emotional cheating happens when your closeness to someone else disrupts your investment in your partner. You focus on the connection you have with them instead of on your existing (usually monogamous) relationship. Note: Emotional cheating can also happen in nonmonogamous relationships if you keep the intimacy you’re developing secret or cross other boundaries you’ve outlined with a partner. Specific behaviors associated with emotional cheating vary. You can usually tell a connection has passed the point of friendship when you: spend more time talking to (or thinking about) the other person than your partner
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Read More »If you feel so uncomfortable with the thought of them seeing your conversations that you delete them immediately, you might want to take a closer look at that friendship. One final note: If you believe telling your partner about an outside friendship would put your safety at risk, you aren’t cheating. In an abusive or controlling relationship, your partner may discourage you from having friendships, and that’s never OK. Friendship can provide some of the emotional support you need (and deserve), but consider talking to a therapist, too. A therapist can offer guidance with recognizing the signs of abuse and safely ending the relationship. Where does social media come into play? Social media can make it easier to engage in emotional cheating. You might build up casual rapport with a long-time follower or commenter. You start off by liking each other’s photos, but eventually, you find yourself talking to them more and more. Social media also offers the opportunity to look up and rekindle “missed connections” — an ex, a college crush, a casual fling partner. There’s nothing inherently wrong with connecting over social media. Still, if you find yourself having regular conversations with someone you feel ever-so-slightly attracted to, it’s worth exploring what you’re getting from this interaction. You might also want to examine the connection a little more closely if you hesitate to share it with your partner. Is this the same thing as micro-cheating? Micro-cheating involves any behavior that approaches or brushes up against relationship boundaries but falls short of actually crossing them. Maybe you’ve stayed friends with an ex-partner and continue to greet them with lingering hugs when you meet up. Or you might exchange flirty jokes with your partner’s roommate when your partner is in another room. In other words, emotional cheating can fall under the umbrella of micro-cheating, but micro-cheating doesn’t always involve emotional intimacy. What if you’re the one doing it, and you didn’t even realize? Once you recognize you’re investing more energy outside the relationship than in it, a good first step involves turning off the tap. Put an end to the DMs or text messages, keep interactions with your co-worker strictly work-related, and avoid one-on-one hangouts. Have a (brief) conversation to let them know you’ve realized your involvement is compromising your relationship and explain you’ll be taking several large steps back. Once you’ve accomplished that, it’s time to talk to your partner about the underlying concerns fueling the behavior. It’s very normal to struggle with addressing intimacy issues and other relationship problems, especially when you worry your partner might brush off your concerns or react negatively. Avoiding these issues won’t make them go away, though. A conversation might feel uncomfortable, but it’s the best way to work toward regaining emotional intimacy. When you talk, remember to stick with “I” statements to avoid sounding judgmental or accusatory. You might start, for example, by saying: “I feel distant from you lately, and it makes me want to turn to others for support.” “I worry you don’t care about me anymore, and that makes me feel lonely.” Find more tips for productive communication here. You might feel afraid of telling your partner you’ve started to develop feelings for someone else. You know the sparks have faded, but how can you explain you want to move on without hurting them? It’s not always possible to do this without causing pain. But no matter how much the truth might sting, own it. Being honest now will almost always prevent more pain down the line — for both of you. What if isn’t you, but your partner? Any number of factors can contribute to relationship distance, so the signs listed above don’t always indicate emotional cheating. If something feels unpleasantly different in your relationship with your partner, it’s always best to talk about it. Stick to describing specific behaviors you’ve noticed to have a more successful conversation: “I feel hurt and shut out when you tell someone else about how you’re feeling, but not me. For me, sharing emotions is an important part of a healthy relationship.”
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Read More »“I feel ignored when we’re home together and you spend a lot of time texting. What do you think about setting some phone-free times so we can focus on each other?” It’s perfectly possible your partner did engage in some emotional infidelity without realizing it. You might feel tempted to snoop around or check their phone. Instead, focus on their responses and willingness to change. Do they immediately apologize and open up? Explain they’ve been feeling down lately? Say they felt some distance but didn’t know how to bring it up? If so, there’s a good chance they also want to work toward getting your relationship back on track. How do you set boundaries around it? Creating boundaries around emotional cheating isn’t easy, because a lot of the behaviors involved often show up in close friendships. The best way to set healthy boundaries is to openly discuss what you consider a betrayal of trust. Sit down together and create separate lists of behaviors you don’t feel comfortable with, such as keeping secrets, making flirty comments, or regularly putting someone else first. Then talk through your lists. Make sure you both have the chance to share. If you disagree on whether a specific behavior is problematic, speak up honestly so you can talk through your viewpoints and find a solution. Is it ever a sign to open the relationship or consider other dynamics? What if you love your partner and still feel attracted to them, but develop feelings for someone else at the same time? Crushes are completely normal, but if your feelings persist and you have some interest in opening up your relationship, talk to your partner. They may not be on board with nonmonogamy, but a conversation can help you get more insight on the best path forward. If you realize monogamy isn’t for you but they don’t feel comfortable with nonmonogamy, ending the relationship may be the best option. This can be a difficult choice to make. Remember, though, that while your needs are valid, so are your partner’s. Staying in an unfulfilling relationship and investing your energy in someone else does neither of you any good. How do you (and your partner) move past it? Frequent, honest conversations can help you rebuild trust and address relationship issues as soon as they pop up. Good communication can even help you resolve some challenges, like lack of intimacy, before they become a matter of concern. If you know your partner has feelings for someone else, you may not want to continue the relationship, and that’s OK. Not all relationships work out, and breaking up can give you both the opportunity to find someone you can fully invest in. When you both want to build a stronger partnership, professional support from a relationship therapist can help you navigate the effects of emotional cheating, rebuild trust, and work on communication and other skills for healthy relationships.
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