How do you know if you are the problem?

Am I the problem in my relationship? Your go-to answer is “No.” ... You self-sabotage for no reason. ... You let your partner do all the work. ... You go silent instead of talking about your feelings. ... You never say you're sorry. ... You vent to your friends instead of working things out with your partner. More items... •

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Recognizing your own faults in relationships is hard. It’s hard to see where you’re the one doing something wrong. It is so much simpler to blame your partner and walk away guilt-free than it is to say you’re the screwed-up one who messed up a great thing.

Relationships are a lot of work, and if you’re maladjusted, selfish, and insecure, you’re not exactly primed to be a good significant other. How can someone lean on you when it seems like you only care about yourself?

Oh — this doesn't sound like you, you say? Are you sure about that?

Am I the problem in my relationship?

If you are looking to get honest with yourself, these 10 signs may indicate the answer is yes and the problem with the relationship is you.

1. Your go-to answer is “No.”

Relationships require not just taking, but also giving. If your default answer is negative, no matter the circumstances, you’re the issue here. Whatever your partner is asking, even if it is unreasonable or unbearably annoying, you should be willing to have the patience to listen and consider it. When you love someone, you have to keep an open mind. If yours is closed, your view is likely toxic.

2. You self-sabotage for no reason.

If you find yourself in constant fights and your head spinning with chaotic thoughts, take a minute to reflect on why you’re feeling this way. What exactly did your partner do?

If you’re self-sabotaging and causing problems in an otherwise happy relationship, you’re the one with the problem here.

3. You let your partner do all the work.

This applies to everything: work, the day-to-day responsibilities of the household, and work within the relationship. Being a taker is easy, and you may not even realize you’ve fallen into this role. If you’re sitting around, asking your partner to do things for you, bring you things, and never do anything in return — you're not a good partner. You need to consider what you can do for your significant other. Try to do something loving and kind, however small, at least once per day.

4. You go silent instead of talking about your feelings.

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Stonewalling your partner does not make you cool; it doesn't make you aloof; it doesn't make you non-confrontational. It makes you a cruel, destructive partner. You may hate talking things out, but that’s too bad. If you’re in a relationship, you have no choice. You can’t just say, “I don’t want to talk about it.” If you’re not being open and instead of hiding in your room, reading, or watching TV to avoid the person you’re dating, you’re the problem here. Nothing gets resolved by ignoring it.

5. You never say you’re sorry.

The key to everlasting love is being able to admit when you’ve done something wrong. If you don’t know how to take responsibility for your actions, you can be sure your relationship will fail. It’s a sign of maturity to apologize when you’ve done something hurtful. If you can’t even say you’re sorry, maybe you’re not ready for a committed relationship — or any relationship, period. 6. You vent to your friends instead of working things out with your partner. Pretending everything is fine when you’re with the person you’re dating, only to turn around and talk badly about them behind their back, says a lot more about you than it does about your partner.

Imagine if you found out the person you loved was actively lying to your face and saying vicious things about you to his or her friends. Would you stay in that relationship?

Venting to your friends is normal to a degree, but subjecting them to all of your pent-up rage is extremely unhealthy for everyone involved.

7. You create drama for the thrill of it.

If you’re starting problems because you get off on the drama, that is sick. You might think it keeps the passion alive and the fire hot, but you’re going to burn right through each other and the relationship with immature and damaging behavior like that.

8. You can’t let things go.

Do you find yourself rehashing the same things over and over again with your partner? It’s likely because you have deep-seated insecurities that aren’t being addressed. If you want your relationship to survive, you have to learn how to move on.

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Without forgiveness, your relationship will slowly begin to dissolve bit by bit until there is nothing left but two incredibly unhappy people. If you say you’re over something, be over it. If you’re not over it, discuss those feelings and emotions with your partner to find a workable solution.

9. Your partner is afraid to be honest with you.

Is your partner unable to tell you things without your flying off the handle? Guess what: you are the problem. Your grudges and inability to keep a level head are not due to your partner misbehaving; it’s because you don’t know how to act like an adult. If your partner doesn’t feel like he or she can be honest with you for fear of being chewed out, he or she will keep those feelings to himself or herself until it blows up in both of your faces and signals the very end of your relationship.

Then you’re both in for a world of hurt.

10. You try to change the person you’re dating, but never want to change yourself. In relationships, you and your partner should grow and learn from each other. Accepting each other unconditionally is, of course, a part of love — but living, learning, and changing over the years is a healthy and beautiful part of sharing a life together. If you enter into a relationship thinking you’re going to change someone fundamentally and are completely unwilling to focus on self-improvement, you have some deep-seated issues and disillusionment.

You’re not perfect. You’re not fabulous and flawless. You’re toxic.

Gigi Engle is a frequent contributor to YourTango whose work regularly appears in many publications, including Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour, and Women's Health. Her articles have been shared over 150 million times. This article was originally published at Ravishly. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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