How do you keep your individuality in a relationship?

You can maintain a strong sense of self in relationships by: Knowing what you like and what matters to you. Asking for what you want, rather than always deferring to his/her wants. Spending time with your own friends and family. Pursuing your goals. Staying true to your values. Making time for your hobbies and interests. More items... •

livewellwithsharonmartin.com - How to Maintain a Strong Sense of Self in Relationships

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How to Maintain a Strong Sense of Self in Relationships

Learn how to maintain a strong sense of self in relationships by living authentically, knowing yourself, avoiding people-pleasing, and building self-esteem.

Losing your sense of self

Do you seem to get swallowed up in relationships? Does your sense of self disappear when you’re in a relationship?

This “loss of self” happens, whether you’ve been married for decades or are newly dating, when the other person or relationship becomes your identity. You become all about the other person. Your needs get sidelined while the other person’s needs and interests take center stage. You’re busy people-pleasing, trying to make him/her happy (regardless of your own feelings), and are reluctant to speak up about what you want or need.

So, you focus on your partner and don’t stay true to yourself.

You stop pursuing your hobbies, seeing your friends and family, and you defer to what s/he wants.

Dependency is healthy; codependency is not

Instead of being “Mary”, your identity becomes “Mary, Jim’s girlfriend” or simply “Jim’s girlfriend”. This feels good, especially during the intensity of the beginning of a relationship. In fact, this obsessive quality is quite common in the early stages of newfound love. It’s not healthy, however, when it’s one-sided; when your partner isn’t equally interested in giving and pleasing you. You may feel you’ve willingly made these compromises. Or you may not have even noticed that you were giving up parts of yourself. This has probably been a pattern that’s been repeated in relationships your entire life and you may not have had a strong sense of yourself, to begin with. Or your loss of self may be related to your partner’s jealousy or manipulation. In other words, you feel pressured to give up parts of yourself and fear that your partner will leave or reject you if you aren’t the perfect partner.

These can all be signs of codependency.

You can maintain a strong sense of self in relationships by:

Knowing what you like and what matters to you

Asking for what you want, rather than always deferring to his/her wants

Spending time with your own friends and family

Pursuing your goals

Staying true to your values

Making time for your hobbies and interests

Saying “no” when something really doesn’t work or feel good to you

Spending time by yourself

Not keeping yourself “small” or hidden to please others

Why you need a strong sense of self

What do you imagine will happen if you keep yourself hidden in your relationships? Will your resentments grow and fester? Will this be a satisfying relationship long-term? Will you miss out on achieving your goals? Will your health suffer? Will your friends and family miss you? Will the world be deprived of your unique gifts?

Inter-dependence or healthy dependence involves two complete individuals who come together to support each other. From this inter-dependency, you develop trust and safety that helps you navigate the world, but you’re not reliant on the other person or the relationship for your identity or self-worth. In secure relationships, partners support each other in pursuing their own interests and other friendships. They aren’t jealous or demanding. Couples need time together and time apart. In other words, loving, trusting relationships are important, but they needn’t overshadow YOU.

©2018 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Originally published on PsychCentral.com.

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See if he's reluctant to commit to anything more than two weeks in the future. If your guy tries to change the subject any time you try to talk about the future, even if you're only talking about your holiday plans, which are a month away, then this may be a sign that he's playing you.

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If he’s really playing you, then he probably has his balancing act down to an art. If you try to change his usual schedule, then you may be able to call his bluff. Ask yourself if he’s always the one who decides where you should go. Of course, he may just want to take charge for other reasons, but this could be a giveaway that he wants to steer you away from places where you’re likely to run in to some of his other ladies. One way to know if he’s playing with you is to see if he’s comfortable hanging out with you anywhere or if he gets nervous or reluctant if you want to hang out in a new part of town or go on a new adventure. If he acts this way, it may be because he’s been hanging out with other girls in other parts of town and doesn’t want to have any awkward run-ins. If you want to know if he’s playing you, you should casually mention that you want to go to to a different restaurant, different movie theatre, or another public park in town to see if it makes a difference to him.

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