Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Sora Shimazaki
Here are four suggestions: Find something redeeming about the person. You may be bored because you're just not that into what the person is saying. ... Get out your mental escape plan. ... Turn on your persistence switch. ... Look for openings to share your own viewpoints or observations.
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Read More »Boring people come in all shapes and sizes, and you can find them in many situations. Perhaps you’ve got a co-worker who seems to go on and on with their anecdotes at the water cooler. Maybe your in-laws enjoy nothing more than relating every detail of their travel "adventures." Lengthy expositions of someone’s medical problems can leave you faced with a dilemma: You feel that you should respond sympathetically, but fear that doing so will lead to even more medical ramblings that you will then have to sympathize with further. What makes one person boring to you may, of course, make that same person fascinating to someone else. We all tick to different interpersonal clocks. Your first question about your reaction to someone who bores you should, then, be to examine where that boredom comes from: Is it that you just don’t like the other person? Is it that something he or she is saying makes you uncomfortable? Maybe that in-law adventure was one that you’d actually like to have yourself, and you just don’t want to be reminded of the fact that you can’t afford to go on safari. Examining your reactions is a good first step, and may lead you to solve the problem. But if the person is a bona fide bore, known by all to be a good person to avoid, your predicament requires a different approach. Let’s assume that as much as you’d like to escape, you’re unable to do so. At work, you can’t exactly stay away from the water cooler all the time, and in-laws, bosses, or neighbors aren’t people you can consistently find excuses to avoid. Dealing with people who are boring isn’t a problem just limited to one-on-one conversations or email exchanges. There are boring teachers, boring chairs of community or work committees, and boring speakers at work, religious services, or family events (such as the toaster who goes on way too long). In these situations, you can distract yourself in one of a variety of ways, depending on what’s considered polite or what distractions are available to you. One of the great consternations facing teachers of laptop- or cellphone-equipped students is the inevitable problem of competing with social media and online games that their students can so readily access. Therefore, the onus is on the teacher to be as engaging as possible. From the student’s point of view, however, all of these distractions are fair game. Similarly, in meetings at work, employees on their laptops are obviously supposed to be using them to take notes, but when the pace slows down, they invariably will try to mitigate against boredom by alt-tabbing to online temptations from eBay to Candy Crush. However, when there are no electronic toys easily accessible, or the norms strongly dictate that you not stray from the task at hand, you must resort to old-fashioned mental tricks to either distract yourself or to find a way to focus your attention, as hard as that might be.
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Read More »Some insight into the ways you might deal with boring situations (and people) comes from an innovative online study conducted by Torleif Halkjelsvik and Jostein Rise (2015) of the Norwegian Institute for Alcohol and Drug Research. To test the outer limits of people’s behavior in a boring task, they offered participants a financial reward for doing nothing but staring at a blank computer screen for 25 minutes—yes, a blank screen. The participants were recruited through Amazon’s Mechanical Turk (“MTurk”), which normally pays participants enrolled in the system proportionate to the amount of time or effort they put into an experimental task. In this case, to provide participants with an incentive to do nothing but stare at the screen for as long as possible, the researchers offered a bigger reward for waiting the entire time. If they cut out before the 25 minutes, then they were told they would be paid half as much (or if they strayed too long from the task). After 18 minutes, though, if the participant hadn’t bowed out, the full amount was unexpectedly offered even if he or she exited the task. The Norwegian team subsequently conducted a series of experiments based on the same task to determine what factors would influence a participant’s willingness to persist in this mindless exercise. They were surprised to find so many people sticking with the task (almost half in some cases) despite its mind-numbing qualities. Those most likely to persist tended to feel, despite the impersonal nature of the online experiment, obligated to do so because they said they would. These were the people high on persistence motivation. It seems that some people have figured out the key to staying motivated even in the most boring of circumstances. How can you catch some of this persistence motive when you’re with boring people or in boring situations? Here are four suggestions: Find something redeeming about the person. You may be bored because you’re just not that into what the person is saying. It’s possible that if you actually pay close attention, you’ll find something to intrigue you and you might even learn something that you didn’t know before. Get out your mental escape plan. You’ve tried your best to put up with the boredom of listening to this person, but there’s just no hope for it turning into anything other than yet another monologue. As you let your mind wander off in a more rewarding direction, keep that “I’m listening” look on your face. The only danger is that you actually miss something you were supposed to hear, so you’ll have to check back in once in a while before you return to your reveries. Turn on your persistence switch. The MTurk study showed that some people are able to stick with a boring task by feeling committed to following up on their promise to do so. If they could stare at a blank screen for 25 minutes, surely you can manage when there is something actually happening in front of you that could potentially be of interest. Look for openings to share your own viewpoints or observations. Some people drone on endlessly because they are just not that good at stopping on their own. Instead of a constant string of “uh huh’s,” try interjecting some true opinions or observations. Similarly, at meetings or in classes, don’t be afraid to raise your hand. Your speaker may actually appreciate it that someone in the crowd is showing some interest. Sadly, life is not always made up of fulfilling moments. But if you approach the unfulfilling ones from the right vantage point, you might find yourself treated to some surprisingly good times.
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