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How do narcissists treat their daughters?

A mother with narcissistic tendencies is typically overly concerned with her daughter's appearance and achievements and how they reflect back on her, says Lis. As a result, the daughter doesn't learn to be her authentic self.

psychcentral.com - Narcissistic Mothers: The Effects on Their Daughters and How to Heal

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Understanding the relationship between mothers with narcissistic qualities and their daughters — and your relationship with your own mother — can offer deeper healing in adulthood. For daughters with mothers who behaved like this, the consequences can be long term. Did your mother consistently see you as a threat, gaslight you, or treat you as an extension of herself growing up? If so, she may have narcissistic tendencies. How do mothers with narcissistic traits treat their daughters? We list these behaviors and explain their long-lasting effects. However your mother behaved toward you, know that you didn’t deserve this unkind treatment (even if she told you that you did). They tend to treat their daughters in similar ways, too. Australia-based counselor Shagoon Maurya notes that mothers with narcissistic tendencies might consistently: Mothers with narcissistic tendencies tend to express certain qualities. According to double board certified adult and child psychiatrist Dr. Lea Lis in New York, the most common traits include: Although narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a rare mental health condition, growing up with a parent who behaves in narcissistic ways is more common than you might think. Mothers with narcissistic tendencies can leave long-term effects on their daughters. But learning how your mother’s behaviors affected you as a child and now as an adult can lead you toward finding relief.

Here are some characteristic effects:

Believing love is conditional

According to Maurya, this belief stems from having a mother who only provides you with love and approval if you do what she wants. “This leads to emotional ups and downs or ‘splitting,’” adds Lis. “Splitting causes a person to view everything and everyone in black and white. [It] can cause someone to not accept a person for the good and bad and only give love conditionally.” She notes that this can lead to future relationship failures or low self-esteem.

Believing you must abide by rules to belong

Similar to the effects of conditional love, “when your parent only loves you under a certain set of paradigms and loves big, it’s easy to think that you have to obey certain rules, even if it sacrifices your own needs,” explains Lis. Try to remember that you don’t have to conform to potentially uncomfortable rules or situations. You can find a healthier sense of belonging by connecting with people who respect your boundaries instead.

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Feeling valued for how you’re perceived (not who you are)

A mother with narcissistic tendencies is typically overly concerned with her daughter’s appearance and achievements and how they reflect back on her, says Lis. As a result, the daughter doesn’t learn to be her authentic self. She might develop the idea that she’s only valued for what she can offer others and act this way in future relationships.

Accepting verbal abuse and manipulation in relationships

“If your [mother] is emotionally abusive and the only way you can achieve love and acceptance is to live up to [her] standards, then you might sublimate your own needs to make her happy,” says Lis. Because abuse and manipulation may have felt like the norm growing up, you may accept these behaviors in your adult relationships, too. But try to remember that abusive tendencies are never a part of healthy partnerships.

Regularly blaming yourself

If your mother blamed you for problems as a child, you might naturally feel like everything is your fault as an adult, too. (Friendly reminder: It’s not.) “Constantly being blamed for everything eventually develops a pattern in you where you also start blaming yourself for everything wrong,” says Maurya. She adds that this can lead to an unstable sense of identity or self-esteem where you start to believe that you’re not good enough for anything or anyone.

Becoming a people-pleaser

You might develop people-pleasing tendencies from constantly striving to meet the needs of your mother with narcissistic traits as a child. “This eventually translates into you becoming someone who always wants to cater other people’s needs, even if you don’t owe them anything,” says Maurya. You might also neglect your own needs in relationships or consider yourself a burden to others. Even though you may feel like a bother, know that you deserve to be supported and cared for — by yourself and others.

Avoiding or chasing the love you lacked growing up

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Maurya says that the neglect, abuse, or emotional absence that may come with having a mother with narcissistic tendencies can make you question whether or not you’re safe with other people. This ultimately impacts how you navigate love and connect with others throughout life. “Insecure attachments tend to take up the form of either avoidant attachment (e.g. you manage your fears by shutting people out of your life) or anxious attachment (e.g. you chase after love and pursue the connection you long for),” Maurya says.

Desiring constant validation

According to Maurya, growing up feeling unworthy to your mother can result in a need for regular validation in your relationships. “When you find someone who wants to be with you, you [may] find yourself constantly asking them for validation and reassurance about whether they really want you or whether you’re enough for them,” she says.

Displaying narcissistic tendencies

You may even pick up your mother’s narcissistic tendencies — consciously or not. “It’s likely that you’ll try to beat your mother by joining her — ensuring that you’re the smartest person in the room so that she’ll never be able to make you feel worthless ever again,” says Maurya.

Experiencing negative health effects

Our childhood impacts our overall health, especially if we had adverse experiences that went unhealed. A 2020 study suggests that you can develop mental and physical health conditions as a result of childhood adversity. Potential conditions you might develop as a result of childhood trauma, like growing up with a mother who behaved in narcissistic ways, include:

psychcentral.com - Narcissistic Mothers: The Effects on Their Daughters and How to Heal

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