How do narcissists act in long term relationships?

Most narcissists become more controlling, once they're settled in a long term relationship. They see their significant others more like property than a person. And don't consider they have their own wants and needs. In their mind, their significant others are there to serve them.

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Narcissists have a knack of making their significant others feel at fault for everything that goes wrong. Even when it’s clearly the narcissist’s fault. And their poor conscientious partners are sent on a wild goose chase. Trying to improve their own behaviours, when no improvement is necessary. By familiarising yourself with typical narcissist behaviours, you can better understand what’s actually going on. And see why you’re having so many difficulties. And realise it isn’t all down to you. So, here’s what to expect during a typical long term relationship with a narcissist…

Expect You To Anticipate Their Needs

The narcissist is the focal point of their own lives. But they also expect to be the focal point of yours. To the exclusion of everything else. The narcissist thinks you should consider them all the time. And even know what they want, without them asking you. The narcissist considers it insulting that you haven’t read their mind, and anticipated what they want. And they don’t see the hypocrisy that they don't ever consider your needs. This can leave you anxious and walking on egg shells. Trying to anticipate all their needs. But this is an impossible task. And the narcissist will make sure you “fail” every now and then. Just so they can put you in your place, which is beneath them.

Treat Strangers Better Than You

When you’re in a long term relationship with a narcissist, they can relax and be their narcissistic selves. The narcissist already has you drawn in and attached. So they don’t feel the need to impress you any more. Narcissists save their best behaviour for those they want to impress. And these are usually people not as close to them. These might be co-workers, people at the gym, or even strangers. Narcissists want to be liked and admired so much, that they bend over backwards to help strangers. Whilst doing little to help their nearest and dearest. This leaves you in the upsetting and confusing situation where they treat strangers MUCH better than you. And naturally you’re confused as to why this is happening. It’s only when you understand narcissistic behaviour that it makes sense. Narcissists aren’t interested in impressing you any more. But they still want to impress everyone else. And this is no reflection on you. It’s what narcissists do.

Flirting

Most narcissists LOVE to flirt. They need almost constant validation of how sexy, brilliant, and intelligent they are. And flirting provides this for them. Many narcissists flirt right in front of their partners. Some deliberately do this just to make you feel jealous. The narcissist likes to show you that they have an army of admirers waiting to take your place. So they can nudge you to harder to please them if you want to remain in the “privileged position” of being their partner. Narcissists like to see their partners walking on egg shells around them. Fearing the narcissist’s wrath.

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Narcissists know that if people are walking on egg shells, they’re more willing to please the narcissist. Which gives them more power. Whilst you’re worrying, trying to keep the narcissist happy, they can snap their fingers and you’ll come running to appease them.

A golden rule is that if you feel you’re always trying to please someone, then it’s a red flag that you’re in a toxic relationship. If you’re so useless as they often suggest, then why bother being around you at all?

Push All Their Responsibilities On You

Over time, narcissists usually push their responsibilities onto their significant others. Narcissists don’t care for the boring routines of life. Such as house work, paying bills, looking after children etc. And over time, ALL these things become you’re responsibility. In my experience, it wasn’t that I was asked to do these things. I just knew that they wouldn’t get done unless I did them. So unless I wanted to live in squalor, I had to do almost everything around the house.

You Age More

Spending a lot of time around narcissists takes it’s toll. Narcissists are draining to be around. And many people age quicker during a relationship with a narcissist. Over time, most people learn to focus their energy on the narcissist and their needs. And neglect their own. Combine this with all the extra stress and worry they bring, and it’s no wonder many people look significantly older. One silver lining though. You can reverse a lot of this deterioration once the narcissist is out your life. And literally regress in visible age once their drama is taken somewhere else. This is what happened to me!

Financial Strife

Narcissists typically “live in the moment”. And don’t think about how they’re going to pay for things tomorrow. This often leaves their partners not daring to spend. And always picking up the pieces of the narcissist’s reckless spending. The narcissist swans about, without a care in the world, spending what they want. Whilst you lay awake at night worrying about the bills. Some narcissists go as far as to take out loans in their partners name. And many don’t discover this until the relationship is over. And they’re hit with a huge and unexpected bill.

They’re Often In fights

After a while you notice that the narcissist gets into a lot of fights. It might be with friends, family, people from work etc. And if it’s not direct conflict, then they’re probably complaining about someone behind their back. Of course the conflicts are NEVER the narcissist's fault. And they never hold their hand up and admit any fault whatsoever. Even when they’re clearly in the wrong. But more annoyingly, the narcissist expects you to back them to the hilt. No matter what they’ve done. And if you point out their contribution to the problem, you’re accused of not being loyal. The narcissist is far more concerned with winning, than who’s right. And you’re expected to back them in ALL their disagreements. No matter what.

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They Talk More And Listen Less

Over time, the narcissist talks more, and listens less. And they may flatly ignore you when you ask them a question. The narcissist feels you’re beneath them, and not worth listening to. And ignoring you is the ultimate show of their “dominance”. The narcissist feels you should listen to them. But they don’t care to listen to you. They know more than you, so why should they? You can be left feeling lonely and uncared for, even when you spend a lot of time with them.

Controlling

Most narcissists become more controlling, once they’re settled in a long term relationship. They see their significant others more like property than a person. And don’t consider they have their own wants and needs. In their mind, their significant others are there to serve them. The narcissists may become angry if you’re 20 minutes late coming home from work. Or they might go into bad moods when you visit a friend. Narcissists sometimes try to isolate their significant others. And persuade them to give up their jobs. Or move to another area where they don’t know anyone. The narcissist knows that the more you’re isolated, the more you depend on them. And the more they can control you.

Conclusion

Narcissists can be very demanding and self entitled. And they can leave you feeling like you’re not enough. In fact, this is how they want you to feel. The narcissist likes to paint a picture of you being useless and not worthy of them. That way they have you walking on egg shells, trying to please them. A healthy relationship is about compromise, give and take, and respecting the others persons feelings. But you don’t get this in a relationship with a narcissist. At least not as an automatic right. The narcissist will spend months, even years, manoeuvring themselves into a position of almost total power. Leaving you existing just to please them. The narcissist tries to take as much from you as they can. Whilst giving you as little as they can. They won’t give you anything for nothing. Anything you want, you have to fight hard to get it.

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