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How do I stop being jealous and toxic in a relationship?

15 Tips to Deal With Jealousy In a Relationship Acknowledge & Openly Talk About Jealousy. ... Recognize That Jealousy Is Usually a Sign of Insecurity. ... Work on Managing Your Emotions. ... Keep a Relationship Journal. ... Before Pointing Fingers, First Look Inward. ... Explore Underlying Issues. More items... •

choosingtherapy.com - How to Deal With Jealousy In a Relationship: 15 Tips

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6. Explore Underlying Issues

Before you talk to your partner, identify where your feelings are coming from. Take responsibility for behavior and make a commitment to address your insecurities. One method to explore low self-esteem focuses on identifying personal values such as communication, compassion, or honesty. This helps you pinpoint your positive traits and review what’s important to you in the relationship. This might help decrease distressing feelings of jealousy and overthinking in the relationship. 7. Remember That Experiencing Jealousy Doesn’t Always Mean That Your Partner Is Doing Something Wrong “If jealousy is showing up for you, you might believe that this is an alarm bell signaling that something is wrong. Have you ever heard someone say “I went through his phone because I just KNEW he was cheating.” Of course, sometimes the feeling and other people’s actions line up – and there are plenty of people who have trusted their gut and learned that boundaries were being crossed in their relationships. But the feeling of jealousy, on its own, does not perfectly detect cheating or other disrespectful behavior. It might mean that you’re scared of something happening, even if it’s not actually happening. You can use this as information without acting on it right away!” – Bethny Gabriella Brown, LPC, Nemi Health & Wellness, PLLC

8. Identify Your Unspoken & Unmet Needs

This can be tricky because you will have to practice vulnerability. When jealousy involves a third person, you should do a self-assessment to help you filter through the web of emotions. You don’t want to act on assumptions or find yourself bringing up past issues or experiences and projecting them onto your current relationship.

The self-assessment can be as simple as asking yourself these questions:

What is the emotion telling me?

Where do I feel unseen in this relationship?

What am I no longer getting from this relationship that I feel this other person is getting instead?

What do I believe I’m losing?

Taking time to introspect and answer these questions can bring unmet needs to light. Once you have gained this new perspective, you can decide how you would like to move forward in response to your feelings.

9. Voice Your Concerns

If your partner’s actions (or someone else’s actions towards your partner) provoke jealous feelings, don’t hesitate to bring this up with your partner as soon as possible. They might not have been aware of the behavior, or they might not have realized how you felt. Use the opportunity to discuss or revisit any relationship boundaries. If you trust your partner but have doubts because of past relationship experiences, try finding ways that both of you can improve the situation. Remember, your partner is choosing to be with you. So, for example, if there is a specific person in your partner’s life that you feel jealous of, consider muting their Instagram, so you have fewer chances to compare yourself to them.

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10. Hold Back On Making Rash Decisions

Amidst temporary heightened emotions, the choices you make can have long-lasting negative consequences. Jealousy that gets out of control can present itself in the form of anger, which can lead to the relationship crumbling. It’s strongly suggested that you take a few minutes and self-soothe when you feel emotionally charged by jealousy.

11. Start Appreciating Yourself More

“Low self-esteem and insecurity are two of the most common reasons why you feel jealous. There’s this scary feeling of not being good enough for your partner. Some people tend to feel jealous because they feel like they are living in the shadow of their partner’s ex. These reasons will naturally make you feel like there’s a threat to the relationship and your self-esteem. A good method to do is to try making a list of all the things you love about yourself and the traits your partner loves about you. You can even let your partner help you out with this list. Another thing you can do, especially if you keep comparing yourself to others, is to go through your social media, such as Instagram, and unfollow users who make you feel insecure. This can help give you space from feelings of inferiority and eventually develop your self-esteem.” – Lauren Cook-McKay, LMFT, Vice President of Marketing at Divorce Answers

12. Build Healthy Coping Skills

Coping with triggered jealousy won’t help you work though the underlying issues, but consciously turning your attention away from it can help keep you from acting on your feelings in a harmful way.

A few helpful coping exercises include:

Deep breathing exercise

Progressive muscle relaxation

A mindfulness activity

13. Heal Your Past Wounds

“Another reason why you may feel jealous is having a lack of trust because of past relationships. Trust issues often stem from negative or traumatic past experiences, such as infidelity in past romantic relationships. However, lacking trust in your partner may lead you to the possibility of controlling them. Having a bit of control is normal, but trying to control your partner for things that are out of your control is problematic and damaging to the relationship. Learning to heal your wounds is the first step to overcoming these trust issues and overall personal growth. This can help you trust your partner a lot more and keep you from trying to take control of every aspect of the relationship. Every time you feel jealous, remember that the person you’re with is not your ex-partner. Trust and let go of control.” – Lauren Cook-McKay, LMFT, Vice President of Marketing at Divorce Answers

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14. Talk to a Therapist

If you’re struggling to manage jealous thoughts/feelings on your own, don’t hesitate to talk to a therapist. Talking about jealousy isn’t always easy, and initially you might feel even more uncomfortable, but an effective therapist knows that jealousy is normal and will respond to you with empathy and compassion.

Here are signs that you may want to talk to a therapist:

Jealousy leads to obsessive or fixated thoughts

Jealous thoughts become intrusive or unmanageable

Violent thoughts or urges

Problematic behaviors, such as following your partner, spying on them, or checking up on them consistently on social media Jealousy negatively impacts your day-to-day life and prevents you from focusing on work, activities, etc.

15. Seek Couples Therapy

Jealousy crops up in different ways, but it’s mainly caused by a lack of communication. Couples therapy sessions can help you understand that your jealousy is either irrational or due to a misunderstanding. A couples therapist can teach you to be empathetic and understand why your partner is acting in a particular way vs. automatically jumping to the conclusion that they’re attracted to someone else. A couples therapist might also use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to teach you and your partner to identify negative, intrusive thoughts, fact check the validity of those thoughts, and replace them with more realistic, supportive thoughts. For example, “He is going to leave me for his coworker,” would be replaced with, “He is cordial and professional with all of his coworkers because they work together.” Working together can bring partners closer when feelings of jealousy aren’t condemned or shamed.

choosingtherapy.com - How to Deal With Jealousy In a Relationship: 15 Tips

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