How do emotional affairs start?

Emotional affairs can begin online or in-person as a simple acquaintance or friendship. It can then evolve when boundaries are crossed and rationalized by the unfaithful partner. Over time, more limits are broken creating the opportunity for stronger intimacy to flourish.

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Impact of Emotional Affairs

The impact of emotional infidelity can strain both parties and the relationship itself. Prior to the disclosure of an affair, each person or both may sense a relational shift as their physical/emotional connection deteriorates. The unfaithful person may feel distraught about maintaining the affair and dread the possibility of being exposed. Conversely, the partner who is cheated on may feel confused, suspicious, and afraid of finding out the truth.2,4 The implications and consequences of an emotional affair may be even greater once the betrayal is uncovered. This can feel devastating for everyone involved, bringing a whirlwind of intense emotions and a wide range of unfamiliar experiences to the primary couple.2,4

Common effects of an emotional affair include:

The betrayed partner can feel strong emotions like shock, anger, resentment, grief for the loss of trust, unclear sense of self, poor self-esteem/confidence, appearance insecurities, etc. The partner who is being cheated on can start to endure severe distress that might quickly turn into relationship PTSD

The betraying person may feel relieved after coming clean about the affair

The unfaithful partner may experience remorse, shame, and fear that they’ll be chastised indefinitely as they also grieve the loss of the affair (Note: some people may refuse to take accountability or end the affair) Fragile mental state for both partners with a propensity to depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and a deep sense of emptiness Having to make difficult decisions about the future of the main relationship including its dissolution In worse case scenarios, it can lead to acts of violence towards the person having the affair, or within this triad Interestingly, some studies have revealed that a subgroup of couples can have favorable outcomes in their relationship after an affair. In fact, it has been found that couples that decide to stay together and work through infidelity are more likely to develop new ways to communicate, become closer, and experience an increase in the overall wellness of the relationship.1,2,3,4

Do Emotional Affairs Last?

The key aspects to affairs, including emotional affairs, are secrecy, novelty, and intensity. For this reason, most affairs are likely to be short-lived. As time passes, the alluring aspects tend to fade away. With the loss of these elements, an affair may be destined to fail. Nonetheless, there are instances when emotional affairs can be prolonged for long periods. Some individuals may develop romantic feelings for the third party and leave their main partners to start a formal relationship with the affair individual. Nevertheless, studies have shown that relationships arising from an affair tend to lack commitment and long-term sustainability.4,11

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5 Ways to Deal with an Emotional Affair

No matter which side you’re on, emotional infidelity can be devastating to the relationship and parties involved. Fortunately, there are ways to mitigate its impact. Things like engaging in self-exploration, creating emotional space, being empathetic, individual therapy, entering couples counseling, and seeking moral support can help.

Here are five ways to deal with an emotional affair:

1. Self-Reflect

Although an emotional affair can cause pain and chaos, it may be conducive to self-discovery, and personal growth. It can even strengthen your relationship. That said, take earnest inventory of yourself. Consider assessing what’s transpiring and the conditions that may have opened the door for the affair to occur. This can shed light onto aspects of yourself, your relationship, and your partner. If preserving your relationship is important, then this can allow you to delineate the proper steps in that direction. Equally, you may unearth a mixture of feelings, issues, and doubts you couldn’t have anticipated, which may warrant deeper examination and professional advice.

2. Seek Professional Guidance

Individual counseling can assist each person involved to process their own experiences. It can also provide a safe space to voice personal thoughts, opinions, and emotions. Through the course of treatment, each one can gain insight into what might have contributed to the affair and take accountability for its onset. Individual therapy can offer the moral support that’s vital for coming to terms with infidelity, and the tools to constructively cope with its effects. More importantly, therapy can get you “unstuck” from dysfunctional responses so you can transition to a place where you’re stable enough to move past and work through the affair (whether it’s to reconcile or end the relationship).12,13

3. Give Space & Empathetically Listen

Finding out about your partner’s emotional dalliance can be painful and traumatic. Before making any rash decisions, allow some space, distance, and time for yourself and your partner to digest the impact of the emotional affair. Address your wounds and identify every single emotion you’re going through. Once you feel mentally prepared, try to understand the emotional affair through your partner’s eyes. This can provide some insight into deeper issues that may be occurring in the relationship and perhaps help you clarify the reasons (not justify) behind the affair. Even if you still have reservations about reconciling, by listening to your unfaithful partner, you can begin the process of closure and healing. At best, it can help you both grow from this ordeal and fortify your bond.

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4. Consider Couples Counseling

If you and your partner have jointly decided to reconcile after the affair, couples counseling can be a great source of support. However, couples therapy is a process that requires commitment, hard work, and time. For this reason, it’s vital to seek guidance from a skilled professional who holds impartial views about infidelity and has a flexible therapeutic approach. Couples counseling can provide a safety net to help you determine the root cause of the emotional affair and work through your reactions and obstacles brought on by this crisis. Entering couples therapy can stabilize the relationship after infidelity in a way that’s conducive for you and your counterpart to navigate complex emotions, redefine the future of the relationship, and develop the necessary skills to maintain a partnership.12,13

5. Seek Moral Support

Whether you’re the one who had the emotional affair or the injured partner, you’ll need to express yourself and vent without worrying about how you come across at times. Surround yourself with and reach out to individuals you know you can count on, who will not judge you, and with whom you feel totally safe. This could be a close friend, a trusted family member, a support group, etc.2

Final Thoughts On Emotional Affairs

No matter which side of an emotional affair you are on, it can be devastating and painful. Despite the desired outcome (staying together or not), it is crucial to address the emotional infidelity with honesty and professional support. Not all is lost; whether the goal is preserving a relationship or walking away amicably, healing and recovery can be attainable.

choosingtherapy.com - Signs of an Emotional Affair - Choosing Therapy

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