Reach out to them. There are many ways to express love, of course — some ways you might consider are telling them, saying nice things to them, having an open discussion about what's happened or your feelings, giving them a hug, doing something nice for them, smiling, making a joke.
“It is easy enough to be friendly to one’s friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business.” – Gandhi
By Leo Babauta
Whether you’re Christian or not, there’s something in the teachings of Jesus that is worth contemplation, for anyone who seeks to be a better person: his urging that we love our enemies.
Not just “Love Thy Neighbor”, which in itself can be a difficult thing.
But “Love your enemies”. That’s a powerful message, and it turns out, one of the greatest challenges in life.
Why is this message an important one, even if you’re not a Christian? I’m not here to discuss Christian teachings, but to address universal problems found in every human being, no matter what your religion or non-religion. And this is a universal problem: the hatred we feel for other people, hatred that wells up inside of us and causes destructive actions, for people who might have harmed us in some way but in the end are fellow human beings who we must live with in a common society.
And it’s an idea that was taught not only by Christ, but by Buddha, Gandhi, and many other great people and religions.
This still might sound a bit grand or preachy, so let me bring this down to an everyday level: is there anyone in your life who you hate or just can’t stand? Maybe someone who just irritates you to no end, who you resent and feel bitterness towards? And if so, are you proud of that? Does it make you happy?
I’d submit that most of us have someone like that, in many cases multiple people in our lives who cause us anger or hatred or at least resentment, for something they’ve done in the past. I’d also submit that the anger, hatred and resentment that lives within us is destructive and counterproductive.
Let’s explore these ideas a little more, if you’re interested.
What Does “Love Your Enemy” Mean?
Well, it’s probably pretty self-explanatory, but I thought it would be good to be clear.
“Your enemy” doesn’t just mean the enemy of your state, of course. We’re not talking about terrorists or the French (kidding!) … we’re talking about people you really dislike, in any way.
Who are these people? Maybe someone who has picked on you or called you names or disrespected you in some way, causing you anger … maybe you hold a grudge against them. Maybe a family member you’ve had a big fight with … maybe you’ve been angry at them for some time. Maybe someone who did something horrible to a loved one, from physically hurting them to hitting them with a car to scarring them from a damaging relationship. Maybe a teacher or a coworker or a boss who is mean to you. You get the picture.
And what does it mean to love these people? Obviously it’s non-romantic love, but there’s lots of different kinds of non-romantic love. There’s the love you have for your children, your siblings, your parents, your best friends … all of these are different in some way. Then there’s the love you have for someone who just did something wonderful for you, whether that’s someone you know or a complete stranger. There’s the love for a child you’ve never met but who somehow pulls at your heartstrings. There’s the love for your fellow human beings — and this is the love I mean.
Have you ever felt non-sexual, non-romantic love for another person who is not a family member or a very close friend? Maybe they did something really nice for you or another person. Maybe you are just feeling really great about humanity right now, for whatever reason. Maybe this is an incredible human being who inspires you or changes lives or volunteers to help the powerless.
To “Love Your Enemy” is to find it in your heart to put aside any wrongs, and to love them as a fellow human being. You don’t have to love them like you love your parents or children or best friend. Just have loving feelings toward them … and if possible, express it through words, or by doing something nice, or with a smile.
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It’s not easy, I know. Picture the person you dislike most, and see if it’s easy to find that love for them.
Imagine someone who murdered someone you love. That would certainly be an “enemy”. Could you find it in your heart to love that person? I know that would be the most difficult thing in my entire life … which brings up the question: “Why should I?”
“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.” – Mother Teresa
Why Should I Love My Enemy?
It might sound too corny for many of you, and if so, you might not even be reading this by now. That’s OK. This idea might not be for everyone.
After all, this person, my “enemy”, has done something horribly wrong to me … why on earth would I want to love them? What do I get out of it?
This isn’t an easy question, and I won’t be able to explore all the possible answers — that would take a book. But let’s look briefly at a few strong reasons:
You’ll be happier. If you have anger or resentment inside of you, even if you don’t think about it all the time, there will be times when it surfaces. And that makes you unhappy. It’s destructive, inwardly (it eats you up) and outwardly (you might do destructive things to others). That anger also affects others around you, such as your loved ones, who are most likely affected in some way when you are angry — even if the anger isn’t directed at them. Removing this anger from yourself is a positive thing, and it will make you happier overall.
If you have anger or resentment inside of you, even if you don’t think about it all the time, there will be times when it surfaces. And that makes you unhappy. It’s destructive, inwardly (it eats you up) and outwardly (you might do destructive things to others). That anger also affects others around you, such as your loved ones, who are most likely affected in some way when you are angry — even if the anger isn’t directed at them. Removing this anger from yourself is a positive thing, and it will make you happier overall. You could change that person’s life . Your enemy is a human being, and it’s very possible that your hatred of that person is a source of grief, tension, or hatred in them. Now, that might feel good to you in a vindictive way, but if you look at it objectively, removing your feelings from the situation … hurting another person is always a bad thing. Making them happier is a good thing. And interestingly, making someone happier, no matter who that is, can make us happier.
. Your enemy is a human being, and it’s very possible that your hatred of that person is a source of grief, tension, or hatred in them. Now, that might feel good to you in a vindictive way, but if you look at it objectively, removing your feelings from the situation … hurting another person is always a bad thing. Making them happier is a good thing. And interestingly, making someone happier, no matter who that is, can make us happier. You could make a friend . One of the most powerful effects of learning to love your enemy is that your enemy can become your friend. And while it is counterproductive to be fighting with an enemy (it hinders your progress), it is very productive to add new friends to your life — they can help you accomplish things, for example. A new friend, instead of an enemy, makes an incredible difference. And if that enemy is a family member or former friend, reuniting can be extremely powerful and important.
. One of the most powerful effects of learning to love your enemy is that your enemy can become your friend. And while it is counterproductive to be fighting with an enemy (it hinders your progress), it is very productive to add new friends to your life — they can help you accomplish things, for example. A new friend, instead of an enemy, makes an incredible difference. And if that enemy is a family member or former friend, reuniting can be extremely powerful and important. You set a better example for others . Our actions set an example for other people in our lives. If you have children, for example, they learn from anything you do. Teaching them to hate is not a positive example. But teaching them to overcome that anger and hate, to make up with an enemy, and to love … there is no better example in life.
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. Our actions set an example for other people in our lives. If you have children, for example, they learn from anything you do. Teaching them to hate is not a positive example. But teaching them to overcome that anger and hate, to make up with an enemy, and to love … there is no better example in life. It’s better for society . This one seems obvious to me, but it’s important. One little relationship might not seem to make a difference to society as a whole — who cares if I hate another person? But if we all hate other people, it creates a more divisive and fractured and angry society. I see the effects of this everywhere, from media and culture to politics to business to families being disrupted. And the opposite is true — if we can overcome that hatred, and learn to love our neighbor and our enemy, society is better of in so many ways.
. This one seems obvious to me, but it’s important. One little relationship might not seem to make a difference to society as a whole — who cares if I hate another person? But if we all hate other people, it creates a more divisive and fractured and angry society. I see the effects of this everywhere, from media and culture to politics to business to families being disrupted. And the opposite is true — if we can overcome that hatred, and learn to love our neighbor and our enemy, society is better of in so many ways. It’s a test of you as a person. This might not be important to many people, but for me it is. I like to think of myself as a good person, but how good am I if I am just loving to my family and friends? That’s extremely easy (usually). But a better test of your goodness is if you can overcome feelings of hatred or resentment, and turn them into feelings of love. That’s a true challenge. And it’s a life-long challenge.
“Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.” – Martin Luther King Jr.
10 Tips For Loving Your Enemy
So let’s say you think it’s a worthy goal … how do you actually go about it? I can’t claim to know all the answers. I’ve been working on this myself, and exploring these ideas in my life … but I have not overcome this challenge. I’ve made progress, and I’m proud of that … but I have a long way to go.
However, here are some things I’m working on myself … I hope they can be of some use to you:
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