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Does it matter how soon you sleep with a guy?

"Delay gratification" and "Stop, think, choose, think again"—the expert advice suggests this bottom line: Wait. Not forever. Perhaps just one date or even one minute more, until you're sure this guy and this situation make sense for you. Because sometimes knowing what you want feels as good as sex—maybe even better.

glamour.com - When Should You Sleep With Him? | Glamour

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What about those women who get busy right away because sex is a part of their mate-appraisal process? (They prefer to know sooner rather than later if the goods are, well, good.) The problem with that logic, says Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., sexologist and author of Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be, is that the first time isn't always representative of what sex will be like: "It can get better as people learn about each other's bodies and speak up about their needs."

Because You Won't Confuse Chemistry With Compatibility

Sometimes you meet a guy and the vibe is so hot you know the sex will be too. Why not just go for it right then? Because heat and hormones can be mistaken for true affinity, says Atwood. "Look ahead and think, OK, this feels wonderful, but where will we be tomorrow or the next day?"

That's asking for an awful lot of self-discipline, though, at the very moment when our judgment may be impaired by powerful brain chemicals. Sexual arousal triggers surges of the feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine and the hormone oxytocin, which stimulates feelings of attachment and love. Surely this chemical cascade was at work when T. and I got together. How does a woman on the threshold of passion manage to put mind over mojo?

Jennifer R. Berman, M.D., Laura's sister and codirector of the Female Sexual Medicine Center at UCLA, suggests a practical technique for avoiding impulsive decisions: "In the midst of a potentially risky situation, develop a habit of asking yourself, Do I care if this guy never calls me again?' Then stop, think, choose and think again."

Because You'll Do It for the Right Reasons

What might constitute a wrong reason to sleep with someone? Levkoff names some that she frequently hears: to keep him interested; to be publicly recognized as "in a relationship"; out of habit; because you need a man (any man) to validate your attractiveness. These are motives we don't always admit to ourselves, she says. But understanding the deeper reasons we might be jumping into bed too soon can head off unhappy endings. Here's where it gets a little psychoanalytic: You might need to trace your sexual story line back to its beginning to figure out what drives your decisions. Mine starts, "Once upon a time, a girl who lacked self-confidence sought male affirmation, and at 15 she impulsively lost her virginity to a guy whom she'd just met and whose name she can no longer remember…." Despite growing older (and, presumably, wiser), I haven't strayed far from that script. My first encounter set in motion a cycle that undermined my evolving relationship needs. Since I was no longer a 15-year-old who needed sex to demonstrate my desirability or feel better about myself, my pattern wasn't terribly satisfying anymore. "Many women act based on who they were rather than who they are now," says New Jersey-based life coach and counselor Jeree Wade. For those like me who would benefit from replacing an outdated sex-life script, Wade advises delaying gratification, a practice she believes is the hallmark of "making sexual decisions that are good for you." The longer you wait, the more information you can gather about a new relationship—how you really feel about him, how he feels about you—the less likely you are to reflexively reenact a past scenario.

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Because Sex Is the Big Deal You Think It's Not

We're talking about an activity that can sometimes lead to irreversible consequences: an STD, a child, life-changing drama (betrayal, restraining orders, etc.). "Sex is this very heavy thing that everyone does their best to make light of," says Dorothy Robinson, coauthor of the morbidly titled Dating Makes You Want to Die. But, she warns, the heaviness can catch up with you by the time you wake up the next morning.

glamour.com - When Should You Sleep With Him? | Glamour

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