Photo: Eva Bronzini

Does a narcissist want you to love them?

“Deep down, narcissists hope for love and caring”, says Frank Yeomans, “but it often makes them feel very uncomfortable if they seem to find it, partly because they feel vulnerable and doubt the authenticity of any love that comes their way.

mentalhelp.net - Narcissism And What's Underneath, Part II: Admiration And Love

What is a good question to ask a guy?

Questions to Ask a Guy What's your all-time favorite movie that you've seen a million times? What did you want your job to be when you were a kid?...

Last updated May 10, 2018

How do you fight for his love back?

How to Fight In a Relationship Choose Your Words Carefully. Look at Things From Their Point of View. Listen With an Open Mind. Make Requests...

Last updated May 19, 2018

Promotion

Simone Hoermann, Ph.D., is a Psychologist in private practice in New York City. She specializes in providing psychotherapy for Personality Disorders, Anxiety, and Depression ...Read More

Last week, I wrote a blog post about a conversation with Dr. Frank Yeomans on the fragile sense of self worth that is underneath some narcissistic behaviors. In my conversation with Dr. Frank Yeomans, who is a leading expert on narcissism, we also touched upon another significant characteristic that is frequently found in people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder: One of the DSM IV criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is an excessive need for admiration. If you’ve ever been around a narcissist, you might have realized how exhausting it can be to constantly feed their ego and reassure their fragile sense of self-worth. Narcissists will try to elicit admiration from those around them by exuding a sense of superiority and an air of being special, unique, and powerful. And they can get quite upset when that feeling of admiration is not forthcoming. So, what’s that all about?

“Everyone wants to feel special,” explains Dr. Yeomans, “and most of us achieve this through our relationships. The relationships with our friends, family, romantic partners, that’s what usually makes us feel special. We tend to feel special when we feel loved. The problem for narcissists, though, is that they don’t trust that they are really loved. Most of them have never felt loved in their lives, and so they doubt that they can actually be loved.” As I mentioned in a previous blog, narcissists tend to be high achievers and very driven, because they believe that they need to be special and superior. Underneath it all, they feel empty and worthless inside. Part of this need to be special is driven by their insatiable need for admiration: Achieving high goals, being particularly successful and powerful, is an attempt to feel better about themselves. The admiration that comes with being superior, powerful and unique, is also a way of getting validation from the outside world, of chasing away that lingering inner sense of worthlessness that is so torturous for the narcissist. “Deep down, narcissists hope for love and caring”, says Frank Yeomans, “but it often makes them feel very uncomfortable if they seem to find it, partly because they feel vulnerable and doubt the authenticity of any love that comes their way. In addition, they may devalue anyone who loves them because that person, like themselves, can not live up to their excessively demanding standards. Narcissists can’t grasp the concept of love as a mutual devotion that includes acceptance of flaws. Love does not sustain them, it feels elusive and unsafe.” The problem is, he explains, that to the narcissist, admiration feels safer. It feels safer, because we can earn admiration through our achievements. Hence, for the narcissist, admiration feels much more like something they can control, something they can work for. On the other hand, love can’t be controlled, so it means taking a leap of faith. Narcissist, then, prefer to be admired, and are endlessly trying to provoke admiration, because that’s what they know to do. Therapists are Standing By to Treat Your Depression, Anxiety or Other Mental Health Needs Explore Your Options Today

What makes a woman most attractive?

According to science, men find women more attractive when they are smart, intelligent, caring, confident, have a good sense of humor, kind,...

Last updated Mar 26, 2020

Does sleeping next to someone create a bond?

Sleeping next to someone can also help promote deep REM sleep. Emotionally, sleeping next to someone means reduced anxiety, a sense of safety,...

Last updated Jun 27, 2021

Promotion

Part of this distrust in love has to with early childhood experiences. Typically, it is the role of the caregiver to be empathic and attuned to the infant. The caregiver’s role is to protect and soothe a child when they are upset, and in order to effectively be able to do that they need to understand the child’s internal experience. In other words, the caregiver needs to be empathic and attuned. The idea is that for people who develop NPD, there was some breakdown in this process of empathic attunement, which prevented them from feeling loved, and which lead them to develop internal representation of relationships that are somewhat skewed. The way narcissists typically experience relationships is characterized predominantly by a superior self and a devalued other, which, when something rattles the narcissists sense of self-worth, can rapidly shift to a devalued self and a superior other. In other words, relationships for the narcissists are uneven and imbalanced, and the narcissist is usually vaguely aware that they vacillate between idealizing and devaluing others. Frank Yeomans believes that problems in attunement may have gotten worse nowadays: “When people grew up in more extended families, if there was a kind of empathic failure, someone else was there to pick up the slack” he says. Is this something that can be repaired? Yes, according to Dr. Yeomans. “A person can be helped to move beyond that, and to develop a view of relationships that integrate positive and negative aspects of a person based on mutual connectedness, instead of this one-up and one-down approach. It takes a long time, however, because narcissists have such a shaky sense of self worth and their defenses are so fragile that they can’t handle a lot of confrontation.” says Dr. Yeomans, “You have to be patient.” After all, sometimes, what it takes is just one good relationship.

Keep Reading By Author Simone Hoermann, Ph.D.

Read In Order Of Posting

mentalhelp.net - Narcissism And What's Underneath, Part II: Admiration And Love

What can I text instead of I love You?

How do I say “I love you” without saying it in a text? “Smiling so much today just thinking of you” “Just wanted to thank you for being you :)” “I...

Last updated Oct 14, 2022

What is the purest form of prayer?

Pure prayer is prayer with few words (or none!). St. Benedict seems to suggest a quality or state of prayer that goes beyond mere methods for...

Last updated Sep 7, 2018

Promotion

How can I be a fun girlfriend?

Caption Options Change up your compliments. ... Be good to his friends. ... Let sex be just for him. ... Dazzle him by dressing up for date night....

Last updated Jul 17, 2018

Promotion

Why do people marry children?

The causes of child marriage are complex and varied. It's motivated by different factors across communities and regions — sometimes even within the...

Last updated Jul 9, 2020