Do serial cheaters have feelings?

Some serial cheaters experience guilt over their actions, but others show little or no remorse. Most of the time, it is difficult for them to change their cheating habits, but with the right steps and intentions, it is possible.

choosingtherapy.com - 20 Signs of a Serial Cheater & How to Spot Them

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20 Signs of a Serial Cheater

Serial cheaters often act in predictable ways. However, these ways may not seem outwardly obvious at first. Moreover, even if you feel suspicious, you may want to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. That said, it’s important to know the common signs; while they don’t guarantee unfaithfulness, they may indicate deeper relationship problems.

Here are 20 common signs of a repeat cheater:

1. They Have a History of Cheating

Infidelity can become a persistent pattern and may be the most obvious indicator of serial cheating. People are 2-3x more likely to cheat in relationships if they have cheated on their partners in the past.3 While the rationale for this phenomenon isn’t entirely understood, it’s probable that, instead of learning from past mistakes, cheaters might justify their behavior and find that it’s easy to duplicate again. Moreover, they may not have identified the reason for their infidelity, making it difficult to avoid repeating that behavior in future relationships.

2. They Have a Fear of Commitment

Commitment issues may come from trauma or a history of unhealthy relationships. These issues can trigger anxiety and avoidance, thereby leading some people to self-sabotage in their monogamous relationship. Their choice to cheat offers an escape plan, whether they are conscious of it or not. In some cases, especially for those who exhibit avoidance behaviors, people won’t even attempt to conceal their actions because they subconsciously hope their partner will find out and end things for them.

3. They Badmouth Former Partners

Serial cheaters are often cynical when it comes to previous relationships. They may blame former partners for being difficult or even “being crazy.” Instead of acknowledging their wrongdoings, they will justify that someone else’s actions drove them to behave that way. This, in a sense, can absolve them of residual guilt. It can also proactively paint their former partners as unreliable or untrustworthy, however, which can make it more difficult to recognize a history of infidelity.

4. They Become Very Secretive With Technology

Serial cheaters often go to great lengths to safeguard their privacy. They may resist or outright refuse to give their partner access to their phone or computer.

Some things they may do include:

Cover their phone when they’re around you

Step out of the room to take phone calls

Become defensive or anxious if you ask to use any of their devices

Use passcodes or other control settings to keep their partner

5. They Keep Promising You They’ve Changed

A serial cheater may confess their past history of cheating. But these disclosures are often coupled with grandiose explanations of how they’ve changed and intend to do better. Most of the time, they keep blaming external factors (like the other person) to excuse their behavior. Even if you feel skeptical, they insist that history will not repeat itself, and may provide a believable reason or excuse for you to believe them.

6. They Accuse You of Cheating

Serial cheaters may use projection to accuse you of cheating. A cheater rarely wants to admit their impulses or actions. And so, in the form of distraction, they will accuse their partners of engaging in unfaithful behavior.

7. They Shower You With Gifts

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Some serial cheaters feel guilty about their actions. Most times, cheating partners don’t want to hurt you. To compensate for this uncomfortable feeling, they might lavish you with expensive items or unexpected surprises. Sometimes, these come paired with an apology (if they’ve been caught in the act). Other times, they come randomly, which can further raise your suspicions.

8. They Don’t Talk About the Future With You

Even if they present as committed, many serial cheaters can’t envision a long-term future with their partners. They avoid conversations about “taking the next step,” whether the next step is marriage, children, or moving in together. Sometimes, they will give excuses to try to rationalize their avoidance or procrastination.

9. They Are Preoccupied With Their Appearance

Serial cheaters may hyperfocus on their appearance if they’re looking to attract a new partner. You might notice this in subtle ways: they may spend more time working out, change their hair, or buy flattering new clothes. They might also start dressing significantly differently when they go out, which is often a telltale sign that they may be meeting up with someone else.

10. They Flirt Often

Serial cheaters may openly flirt with others in front of their partners. These flirty behaviors are most apparent in their nonverbal cues. For example, along with complimenting people frequently, they may also engage in physical touch, laugh often, and gently tease others.4 If confronted, they often deny their behavior and insist they’re just being friendly. While couples have different boundaries around what is considered appropriate flirting, if you express discomfort or have a conversation about how this makes you feel and your partner continues to flirt with others, it shows that they prioritize their own fulfillment and pleasure above your boundaries.

11. Your Friends & Family Raise Concerns

If your loved ones know you best, they may express concern about your partner with you. They may pick up on flirty or secretive behavior and tell you how they feel about it. Of course, it’s normal to dismiss them as being paranoid, particularly if you really care about your partner. But sometimes, friends and family detect the blindspots within interpersonal relationships.

12. They Cheated On You Before

Unfortunately, if your partner has cheated on you before, they are likely to repeat the behavior. This is true even if they insist it was a one-off incident or that they will never do it again. While people can change, your partner must take full accountability for what happened, identify why they cheated, and take the necessary steps to address the cause and rectify their behavior.

13. You Keep Feeling Anxious

In healthy relationships, partners mutually trust one another. Even if you don’t have definitive proof, your intuition may pick up on suspicious behavior and may lead to you feeling anxious about your relationship. This doesn’t guarantee your partner is cheating, but if you feel like you can’t relax or feel safe in your relationship, it’s worth exploring the rationale.

14. An Ex Has Warned You

Sometimes, ex-partners will come forward and warn others about cheating behavior. Of course, you (and especially your partner) may dismiss their warnings as them being jealous or vindictive. As previously mentioned, your partner may have also made their exes seem untrustworthy. And while that may be true, it’s still important to consider what they have to say. They may be trying to prevent you from future heartbreak.

15. You’ve Caught Them Lying Before

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Cheating entails a significant level of deceit, but that degree of lying doesn’t usually develop overnight. Instead, many cheaters engage in consistent white lies or manipulation to maintain their self-image. So, if you’ve caught them lying about other things before, there’s a possible chance you need to find out if your partner is lying about cheating.

16. They Present as Overly Charming

Did your partner come across as incredibly charismatic and enticing when you first met? Did you feel like you fell in love extremely quickly? If so, you may be with a serial cheater. Many of them use charming manipulatio tactics to draw your attention. They typically use those same tactics to attract partners outside of the relationship as well. If they’re having an affair, it is highly probable that they employ this–and all other tactics–on them as well.

17. They Bail on You at the Last Minute

Serial cheaters often juggle multiple relationships at the same time. They constantly wager their time to determine the best way to meet their needs. As a result, they often present as inconsistent and unreliable. Even if you have committed to certain plans, they have no problem canceling them if a better opportunity presents itself.

18. They Downplay Cheating

Serial cheaters may downplay the effects of cheating to seemingly normalize it within the context of their relationships. For example, they might make offhanded comments like, nobody really stays faithful forever, or, Marriage is a scam. With this strategy, they’re likely hoping that you will agree with them, further reinforcing their actions.

19. They Suddenly Ask for an Open Relationship

Open relationships can be healthy and advantageous for many couples. But if your partner spontaneously brings up the idea, you may need to explore it further–especially if they show other signs of suspicious behavior. They may be looking to excuse current infidelity or find a legitimate reason to be unfaithful to you. This is especially true if you feel pressured into accepting these new parameters, which should never be the case when exploring a relationship dynamic.

20. They’re Rarely Single, But Their Relationships Seem Superficial

Serial cheaters often crave comfort and attachment from others. Because they often feel insecure about themselves, they rely on others to enhance their self-esteem. As a result, they may hop from one relationship to the next. But, because they can’t fully lean into real commitment and trust, their relationships lack depth or may have a sense of depth that is manipulated by the cheater.

choosingtherapy.com - 20 Signs of a Serial Cheater & How to Spot Them

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