Do narcissists ever love their partners?

Unfortunately, narcissists are unable to put the happiness of anyone else ahead of their own. Nor can they offer unconditional love to another due to their own obsession with status and achievement. One of the narcissistic traits that makes it so hard for narcissists to love another is their lack of empathy.

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What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissism, in its simplest form, refers to the ability to admire and appreciate oneself. Everyone needs a bit of healthy narcissism to maintain a strong sense of self-esteem and self-confidence. On the opposite end of the scale from healthy narcissism is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This is a clinically diagnosable disorder that affects up to around 6% of the population.1 The symptoms of NPD are such that they prevent the formation of authentic intimate relationships due to a narcissist’s inability to acknowledge their inner selves and lack of interest in knowing another person at any significant level of depth. Signs of NPD can appear early in life and if these tendencies are left unchecked, symptoms can grow increasingly severe throughout adolescence and into adulthood. Narcissists feed on the praise and support of others; this is how they access their narcissistic supply. For example, covert narcissists might draw in a partner who needs to be needed, or is codependent, through their obsessive need for admiration and attention. Or, grandiose narcissists often draw in partners through their extraversion, self-confidence, and superficial charm. Although our culture of selfies and self-promotion seems to be increasing the level of narcissism across the board, there are specific clinical traits that must be present before a diagnosis of NPD can be made.

According to the DSM-5, NPD is characterized by:

Grandiosity: This is the narcissist’s belief that they and their accomplishments are “bigger than life.” They truly believe that their contributions and their presence are essential to the happiness, success, or equilibrium of others. It’s also reflected in their unbridled boasting and exaggerations. This is the narcissist’s belief that they and their accomplishments are “bigger than life.” They truly believe that their contributions and their presence are essential to the happiness, success, or equilibrium of others. It’s also reflected in their unbridled boasting and exaggerations. Lack of empathy: This is the inability to imagine how other people are feeling. This speaks to the lack of emotional awareness or depth that a narcissist possesses. It is not always that narcissists don’t “care” about another’s feelings, it is just that they are totally unaware that others might even have feelings. Their only aim is to fulfill their own desires, and others’ feelings are of no concern. This is the inability to imagine how other people are feeling. This speaks to the lack of emotional awareness or depth that a narcissist possesses. It is not always that narcissists don’t “care” about another’s feelings, it is just that they are totally unaware that others might even have feelings. Their only aim is to fulfill their own desires, and others’ feelings are of no concern. Obsessive need for admiration: The narcissist can never receive enough praise from others. They have no shame in demanding admiration and expecting recognition for their efforts.

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Are Narcissists Capable of Loving Someone?

When someone is in love, they work hard to ensure the happiness of their beloved. They focus on meeting the needs of their partners, loving their partners unconditionally, and working to be the best they possibly can be in that relationship. Healthy relationships require give-and-take and compromise, as well. Unfortunately, narcissists are unable to put the happiness of anyone else ahead of their own. Nor can they offer unconditional love to another due to their own obsession with status and achievement. One of the narcissistic traits that makes it so hard for narcissists to love another is their lack of empathy. They do not have the emotional capital or capacity to acknowledge or respond to another’s emotional state or identity. Sadly, narcissists value people as tools, not souls. Narcissists view the world through a lens clouded by self-interest, and their own lack of emotional depth leaves them unaware of the emotional needs of others. Relationships are considered nothing more than transactional arrangements and narcissists always want the best end of the deal. When the benefits of the arrangement have been exhausted, the narcissist easily casts off the other and moves on to their next source of narcissistic supply.

Can a Narcissist Love their Children?

A child’s self-esteem is how they imagine they are seen through the eyes of their primary caregiver. When a narcissistic parent looks at their child as a “mini-me,” the child may believe that they are cherished and loved by that parent. Unfortunately, when being a parent becomes inconvenient or when a child outgrows their “cuteness” or no longer serves as a source of pride for the narcissist, the love that a child imagined existed between parent and child is revealed for the falsehood it is. When a child openly disobeys or disrespects their parent, narcissistic rage may result. Narcissists use manipulation and coercion to maintain their overly high self-image.2 When their tactics no longer work and their supply dries up, they can fly into a narcissistic rage in an effort to take back control. When children no longer feed a narcissistic parent’s ego, the child has lost their value to their parent.

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Can a Narcissist Love their Partner?

Some people will say that their partners “complete them.” When you are involved in a relationship with a narcissist, you will be expected to not just “complete” your partner, but continuously build up and sustain your partner and their ego. Narcissists can be extremely attractive and generous. They may engage in “over-the-top” shows of affection, also known as love bombing. Unfortunately, narcissists don’t give gifts, or offer affection, without strings attached. The transactional nature of their narcissistic relationship patterns means that any gift given, whether tangible or intangible, will require repayment of some kind from the recipient. Partners are tools to be used or obstacles to be overcome. They are not cherished for who they are. So long as their partners are giving them what they want in terms of admiration, attention, obedience, and adulation, a relationship with a narcissist may feel normal. Unfortunately, when a partner’s attention or adulation diminishes, the cycle of narcissistic abuse will begin. Verbal abuse, gaslighting, and other forms of abuse, including financial and emotional abuse, increase as the narcissist goes to any length to regain the upper hand. Through the tearing down of their partner, the narcissist attempts to prove their own superiority. The honeymoon lasts only as long as the narcissist’s partner is willing to play the game or continues to serve as a means to enhanced status and privilege. Malignant narcissists will turn on their partners once their partner is no longer of use.

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