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Do narcissists choose attractive partners?

Narcissists are attracted to dynamic and appealing partners, individuals who appear as if they have high self-esteem but who also have a "pocket" or two of low self-esteem.

psychologytoday.com - 6 Traits Narcissists Want in a Romantic Partner | Psychology Today

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As a practicing psychologist, one of the most common problems patients present is the stress and confusion that stems from having a relationship with someone who is narcissistic. While narcissistic personality exists on a spectrum, the full-blown disorder is defined as Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.; DSM–5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Having written extensively about narcissism in my career, I've addressed various facets of narcissism but have not, until now, addressed the personality characteristics narcissists are attracted to in potential romantic partners. Given the narcissist's complex personality makeup, what the narcissist looks for in a partner is similarly complex. Narcissists don't require one magical personality ingredient in their partners; they require a highly specific set of traits. A good analogy to explain the mate selection process for a narcissist is to think of the narcissist as an engineer; one who creates a relationship paradigm that will support their extensive (and abnormal) psychological needs. The narcissist's needs are so great and deeply rooted that they have been forced, for the sake of psychological survival, to figure out which types of people can and cannot meet their needs, and who will and will not put up with their erratic behavior and distorted set of relationship rules.

What is the narcissist most drawn to in potential partners?

One may imagine that the narcissist is most drawn to partners who will show them the most attention. This perspective is logical given the narcissist's driving interest for narcissistic supply, a clinical term that refers to a mix of attention and reinforcement for the superior image the narcissist tries to project to the world. However, the psychological needs of the narcissist are too extensive to be satisfied by just one personality trait in a potential partner. Accordingly, the narcissist is drawn to a complex set of personality traits in potential partners which are highlighted below.

Feeling responsible for others

Narcissists are attracted to individuals who tend to feel responsible for others. Despite the myth that narcissists have, colloquially, huge egos, the opposite is actually true. The narcissist, at root, is insecure and fears being powerless, which is why they work so hard to project an image of superiority and strength. Because the narcissist's true ego is fragile, they rely on their romantic partners to constantly make them feel important, valuable, and special. While most adults are busy navigating their daily lives, they don't have the necessary time or energy to devote to a narcissist. Yet a select group of adults who have a personality style and life history of feeling responsible for others provides an exception. Partners who feel responsible for others' feelings will often tolerate more than is psychologically healthy because they feel indebted to take care of others.

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Denying or sacrificing their own emotional needs

The next trait narcissists are drawn to in potential partners relates to the first and requires less explanation. Individuals who feel responsible for others often find themselves focusing on others' needs to the exclusion of their own, and they often report "losing themselves" in relationships. This result is inevitable as long as these individuals are in a relationship with the narcissist. Because the narcissist has so many needs, there simply isn't enough space in the relationship for the partner to have many needs of their own.

Highly empathetic

Empathy, in a word, is an opiate for the narcissist. Individuals who have a high level of empathy are extremely appealing to narcissists because narcissists crave acknowledgment and validation for their thoughts and feelings (clinically, being "mirrored"). Highly empathetic individuals make perfect targets for the affection of a narcissist because those high in empathy, by definition, care greatly for the feelings of others and make people feel valued and special.

A complex self-esteem

In my 20 years of experience of providing psychotherapy to patients, I've found anecdotally that the self-esteem of narcissists' partners is complex, often including a mix of high and low self-esteem. Narcissists are attracted to dynamic and appealing partners, individuals who appear as if they have high self-esteem but who also have a "pocket" or two of low self-esteem. This pocket of low self-esteem, often stemming from experiences as a young person, can be understood as an old lingering voice that tells the partners that they are not good enough in some way. Typically, the pocket of self-esteem is related to a fear of abandonment or not being good enough in terms of a particular measure (appearance, intelligence, or another factor related to self-image). Narcissists are hypervigilant about the self-image they present. Self-image is the foundation upon which all their outward behavior (actions and expressed words) is built. When it comes to the partners narcissists seek, they want partners who make them look good and support the image they wish to convey to the world. Akin to the calculated and transactional way narcissists get their needs met, the partner is selected as an object or "value add."

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Prone to guilt

Finally, narcissists are often drawn to individuals who are prone to feeling guilty. Such individuals are typically emotionally sensitive and they may doubt or second-guess themselves in emotionally complex situations. This personality trait is crucial for the narcissists' psychological functioning because these individuals are easier to manipulate and control, and narcissists tell themselves that guilt-prone individuals will also be less likely to leave them.

Conclusion

For individuals who have or have had a romantic relationship with a narcissist, a review of these factors can provoke sadness or even self-blame. They may question how or why they ever put up with such an unfair and dysfunctional relationship. These individuals should keep in mind that their survival in the relationship shows how psychologically resilient they are and that the experience can provide important life lessons about the boundaries they must learn to uphold in relationships. Ultimately, the partners should never blame themselves for getting together with a narcissist because, true to the narcissist's calculating nature, the narcissist excels at presenting a false self at the beginning of any relationship.

psychologytoday.com - 6 Traits Narcissists Want in a Romantic Partner | Psychology Today

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