Infatuation Rules
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Do men get attached quicker?

A study of 172 college students found men reported falling in love earlier than women and expressing that sentiment first. According to Broadly, the reason men are quicker to say 'I love you' may be because women are biologically predisposed to be pickier when selecting a partner.

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Society has a lot of old and outdated ideas about gender, and most of them are just flat out wrong. Instead of holding on to incorrect assumptions about gender (that, for what it's worth, can be harmful), we should forget about them completely. In that spirit, we have one more incorrect gender assumption you can throw out. Contrary to popular belief, women don't fall in love quickly. Actually, science said in relationships between cisgender men and women, men are more likely to declare love at first sight. A new study found men actually fall in love quicker than women, and the reason could be biological. A study of 172 college students found men reported falling in love earlier than women and expressing that sentiment first. According to Broadly, the reason men are quicker to say 'I love you' may be because women are biologically predisposed to be pickier when selecting a partner. Because being pregnant is a huge commitment, psychologist Marissa Harrison, who co-authored the study, told Broadly she thinks women my subconsciously postpone love to ensure their partner is suitable to have children with. Of course, not all women want children, and not all relationship lead to them. Another psychologist posited that the reason men fall in love faster than women could actually be gender roles at work, with men attempting to fulfill the expectation that they take a leadership role in a relationship. But it actually doesn't matter who falls in love fastest. This study does something much more important than tell us who's more likely to use the L-word first. The study actually debunks a long-held societal myth that's often used to discredit and disregard women. It shows that women are not the emotionally frivolous beings laser-focused on love and marriage that they're often made out to be. "Women are assumed to be emotional; sometimes overly so, or rash," psychologist Marissa Harrison, who co-authored the study, told Broadly. "Both men and women in our study presumed that women would fall in love and say 'I love you' faster than men."

We see this idea that women are overly-emotional all the time and it's used to undermine women's credibility. In daily life, this happens on the regular in dating situations, when women are laughed at as "crazy" or shamed for wanting commitment. At it's highest level, we saw this stereotype at play during Hillary Clinton's Presidential campaign, when people said women are too emotionally unstable to lead the country. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

So next time someone has a cheap laugh at the expense of women because their supposedly "emotional," let them know that science isn't on their side.

Related: Sexism in Politics: 10 Women Share Their Stories

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Do I like him or am I infatuated?

Sternberg's theory of love, infatuation is rooted in passion; you're wildly attracted to the person, you're excited to see them, the sex is great, etc. Meanwhile, romantic love is rooted in both passion and intimacy; you have all the ingredients of infatuation, coupled with friendship, trust, support, etc.

2. Ask probing questions

You need to get beyond the person’s day-to-day, and into the stuff of their dreams. If you’ve been dating for a while—at least a few months—you should feel free to ask where they see their life going, if they want kids, if they envision getting married one day, if they want to travel, what kind of life they want to have. This is how you see if you’re evolving in the same direction, and if you can complement each other along the way. It’s shocking to me how many people don’t ask the deeper questions, and end up wasting time with someone who isn’t in it for the same reasons (i.e. marriage, kids, commitment) that they are.

3. Talk on the phone

When I was dating, a weird sign developed among every person who was seriously invested in building a relationship with me: They’d call me on the phone. Hearing someone’s voice and sharing stories verbally, even when you can’t be physically with the person, creates far more of a bond and shows you’re committed to the work. It takes ten seconds to send a text; it takes set-aside time to make a phone call. Prioritize it, and command it from your partner.

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