Photo: Diana Light

Do men crave closeness?

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nytimes.com - It's Not Only Women Who Want More Intimacy in Relationships

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This sounds completely counterintuitive. How is it that so many men need deeper, stable ties in their love lives, yet historically they have been the ones fleeing to literal and figurative “man caves”? Time and time again, both gay and heterosexual men I interviewed spoke of a paralyzing fear of appearing “weak” (that was the most common one) or “small” or “too insecure” if they opened up and shared their fears, sadness and need for emotional succor with their love partners. They feared that airing such protected feelings would lead to rejection or abandonment.

More often than we care to believe, these fears are well founded.

Andrew Smiler, a psychologist based in Winston-Salem, N.C., whose practice is devoted to boys and men, told me that one of the main skills he helps men with is learning how to access, process and articulate their deeper emotional lives as a way of sustaining and strengthening their romantic partnerships. Typically, he said, it goes well for these men the first time they make themselves vulnerable. After that, though, the warm reception cools. They’re often met with such responses as “‘You’re much needier than I thought you were.’ That seems to be the big one,” said Dr. Smiler, an author of books on masculinity, including “The Masculine Self.” Another common reaction from female partners is one they have long endured from men: “They’re told that they shouldn’t get so worked up and emotional about things.” I’ve experienced this myself. One girlfriend during my 20s was mortified when I cried openly, sitting next to her on an airplane. Another girlfriend during my 30s told me she wanted nurturing when she felt scared or sad but didn’t find it “attractive in a guy” who sought the same. In my marriage, I have always pushed for greater emotional intimacy, asking my wife, Elizabeth, to articulate loving feelings or sentiments she has told me that run through her mind but remain unsaid. When she would share them, sometimes they were shrouded in humor. A few years ago, I pushed harder when we were seeing a couples counselor. “Know what I would love more than anything to hear from you?” I asked, facing my wife. ‘“I need you.”’

“Well, I do,” she replied.

Tess Brigham, a San Francisco-based therapist whose practice is made up of millennial and Generation Z clients, wasn’t surprised by such anecdotes, even though, she said, vulnerability is essential to healthy relationships. “In their daily lives, women can’t show vulnerability,” she said. “They can’t show vulnerability at work. And when younger women feel too vulnerable in dating life, they fear that will make them look weak. If you’re vulnerable you’re seen as too emotional. That’s not a good thing today for women.” This squares with the findings of the vulnerability and shame researcher and author Brené Brown. In her book “Daring Greatly,” she observes the zero sum dynamic that occurs when women “beg” men to be vulnerable with them. “The truth is that most women can’t stomach it,” she writes. “In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear, and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust.”

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How do you know if a guy is just flirting or likes you?

If he likes you, he will constantly be looking for ways to be near you and interact with you. Go out to dinner in a group and see if he makes sure he's sitting next to you. Try to hang out a few times in group setting, and notice if he makes a point to come talk to you each time.

wikihow.com - How to Tell if a Natural Flirt Likes You: 7 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow

This article was co-authored by Eddy Baller . Eddy Baller is a Dating Coach and the Owner of a dating consulting and coaching service, Conquer and Win, based in Vancouver, Canada. Coaching since 2011, Eddy specializes in confidence building, advanced social skills, and relationships. Conquer and Win helps men worldwide have the love lives they deserve. His work has been featured in The Art of Manliness, LifeHack, and POF among others. This article has been viewed 300,240 times.

Article Summary

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When someone is naturally flirty, it can be tough to determine their true feelings, but you can know if they like you by observing how they act and speak around you. When you’re around the flirty person, take note of any behavior changes, like nervousness or fidgeting. In fact, if a naturally flirty person clams up and doesn’t flirt with you, there’s a good chance they like you! Additionally, watch their movements and see if they mirror your own. People subconsciously copy people they like, so do something noticeable, like taking a drink of water, and watch for them to do the same. You should also think about the conversations you have with the flirty person. If they talk about deeper things with you or talk about their hopes for the future, they might be interested in more than just flirting. For more help, like how to find out if they’ve been talking about you to other people, read on.

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