Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: uncoveredlens Eze Joshua
“It can feel like desire disappears in an instant, but I don't think we've ever been so able to act on it,” he says. “That is part of the crisis, 'the ick' is often standing in for something else that maybe we don't consciously know.” But men and women alike can feel the ick, and opt to soldier on.
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Read More »Liam still winces remembering the moment. He was at his local pub with the woman he’d been seeing. Though they had only been dating for a few months, things were moving fast, accelerated by lockdown. They had gone on holiday together and met each other’s friends. Then, that afternoon, she pulled out her phone to show him her Instagram and her recent pivot to video in which she addressed her followers about her 30-day fitness challenge. “You could have heard a pin drop,” says Liam, now 34. As much as he would have liked to, he was unable to conceal his honest response. “She was a lovely girl, a good laugh – but I was like, this is a turn-off,” he says. “I’m not really of the generation who speak into the camera. It just made me cringe.” His date read as much on his face, Liam says. “She was absolutely mortified, my reaction was so easily interpreted as horror.” His date tried to play down her aspirations towards Insta-fame, but it was too late. Within a few weeks, Liam had called it off: he had got his first-ever ick. “As hamsters go, it was very cute. But I knew that was it” You may have felt it yourself: that sudden, seemingly superficial turn-off that often proves terminal for a nascent flirtation or even a relationship. Though only popularised last year by Love Island, the term “the ick” (as in “I got the…” or “it gave me an…”) has become an accepted shorthand for an unexpected end to attraction. For Ben, it was finding out that a girl he’d been dating kept a can of Coke by her bedside and drank from it every few hours. Tim called it off with one woman after she referred to her father as “daddy” in conversation – and with another when, on his first time at her house, she produced her pet hamster. “As hamsters go, it was very cute,” he says. “But I knew that was it.” For Xavier, it was learning over dinner that his date did not know how to use chopsticks. The restaurant was just nice enough to render the request embarrassing, he recalls, “I never felt the same after that.” The ick can be shallow or deep; it can come on abruptly, or be a slow burn. In the recent season two of BBC series Industry, it strikes Harper not even mid-hookup but “somewhere between the cab and the front door”. Either way, it is thought to be nigh-on impossible to recover from. According to a recent survey by dating app Badoo, 82 per cent of users said they had gotten the ick and 78 per cent had ended a relationship because of it. But though we might talk about the ick as something that’s consistent and widely shared, the concept is poorly defined – and highly individual. Jordan Dixon, a clinical psychotherapist, says it is a reflection of our own “erotic blueprint”. “We all have a wonderful array of different things that turn us on – the same applies to what turns us off, and our icks.” That said, she adds: “Disgust doesn’t usually come out of nowhere.”
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